unrulydeerly
stuck in the haze that is my reality
- Jun 29, 2026
- 9
Something everyday sets me off, whether that be terrible emotional turmoil or actually suicidality. However the longer I experience it the more often it's just being suicidal, it's an almost constant thought. The thought itself is distressing and it just becomes its own loop. I'm sticking around longer because I have the means to for now and there's people and pets in my life I don't want to traumatize if I don't have to. I wish I never existed so I wouldn't have to feel this way.
I'm practically completely built from trauma at this point. It never stops too.
I self harm frequently and have for many years but recently I went significantly deeper. It brought me an unfortunate amount of joy but also fear. I've been trying to do it again but I just can't and it's probably for the best but without I just don't feel like I can prove how much suffering I'm in. I feel so pathetic because of it.
I've been in a program for a little bit to try and get better but mostly just so I legally don't have to go to work and will maybe also get paid but I don't know what I'll do after. Sure I'll have more coping mechanisms or some shit but it won't fix the outlying factors of not being able to afford to live plus struggling with working. I was not made for this world and I feel like I'm just a burden and always will be. Though the thing with going into this program and in the inpatient units I was in before, is how expensive they are. I'm going to owe tens of thousands of dollars just for trying to fix myself.
I'm in constant fear as well, it's suffocating (sometimes literally). Basically everyone around me has left, is leaving, or is trying to leave. Sometimes it's death and sometimes it's just leaving my life. I feel like I'm cursed to be around.
Everything just hurts so much even physically now, I'm deteriorating rapidly. I just want to die, I don't know how much longer I can do it.
I feel horrible for thinking these things but I do wish just something terrible would happen. Or that someone would purposely hurt me so I could get the results I want from self harm but am too much of a coward to go through with. I want just be validated in my feelings, to just actually be depressed for long enough to finally go through with things. There's not much of a future for me but there is a bit of a present so I suppose I'll stick around for a bit despite everything.
I'm practically completely built from trauma at this point. It never stops too.
I self harm frequently and have for many years but recently I went significantly deeper. It brought me an unfortunate amount of joy but also fear. I've been trying to do it again but I just can't and it's probably for the best but without I just don't feel like I can prove how much suffering I'm in. I feel so pathetic because of it.
I've been in a program for a little bit to try and get better but mostly just so I legally don't have to go to work and will maybe also get paid but I don't know what I'll do after. Sure I'll have more coping mechanisms or some shit but it won't fix the outlying factors of not being able to afford to live plus struggling with working. I was not made for this world and I feel like I'm just a burden and always will be. Though the thing with going into this program and in the inpatient units I was in before, is how expensive they are. I'm going to owe tens of thousands of dollars just for trying to fix myself.
I'm in constant fear as well, it's suffocating (sometimes literally). Basically everyone around me has left, is leaving, or is trying to leave. Sometimes it's death and sometimes it's just leaving my life. I feel like I'm cursed to be around.
Everything just hurts so much even physically now, I'm deteriorating rapidly. I just want to die, I don't know how much longer I can do it.
I feel horrible for thinking these things but I do wish just something terrible would happen. Or that someone would purposely hurt me so I could get the results I want from self harm but am too much of a coward to go through with. I want just be validated in my feelings, to just actually be depressed for long enough to finally go through with things. There's not much of a future for me but there is a bit of a present so I suppose I'll stick around for a bit despite everything.
Last edited:
