I regret not killing myself sooner. What tends to keep me going was a hope that tomorrow will be better. Sometimes it was based on facts or what I thought to be true. Sometimes it was raw hope.
I'm now in my mid 30s, anyone I really cared about is dead, I don't see how I can go from where I am now to a seriously better life that I want, and I wanted to be dead over half of my life. I wanted to be dead to the point that I originally didn't think I would make my 18 birthday. And when I made it beyond it I just didn't care until a given point. I made a date on when I will kill myself and it was the end of 2015. I figure if I don't kill myself by then then I need to just give up on this. I did for a short time when it looked like my life was turning around. But that turned out to be a bunch of BS college was shoving down my throat, and the reality was there is no grand job on the other end of that road.
Now I'm much older, I'm broke, I don't have a family outside of my parents, much of the rest of the family has nothing to do with me, and my biggest thing I look forward to each day is to go to sleep and stop trying. I regret not killing myself sooner.
And what makes it worse is I found out my granddad who I loved spending my time with, he put on an illusion. He was a great person, and worth living for. But everyone around him not so much. Maybe there was red flags I didn't see, but he put an illusion of a loving and caring family. Where get togethers were common, and there was a leave it to beaver thing going n. But in reality as soon as he died what he built up was taken down literally and metaphorically.
At one point I didn't kill myself because of them. I didn't want them to be sad. I regret not killing myself sooner so I would've died thinking the illusion was real. The happy small town family life was real.
Even if I do live, at this point IDK why. I'm not trying to join the job market anymore. I am not trying to make my own family. I try to help out my parents, but I'm 99% sure they would be fine without me. Like they try to put off an illusion of whatever, but in reality my dad is a workaholic that puts his work above his family nearly every time. Some of this is because if he doesn't, then he will be homeless. But the other part seems because he is dilutional that anything he does for the gov actually matters and won't be overwritten the second he retires. And my mom is an angry person that keeps siding with my drug addict drunk sister, and even today when she was asking for what computer to get. She immediately used it to start yelling at me, then name calling.
And what I do most days is sit on my computer all day trying to find ways to make money. Like I've made some off of crypto and stocks. But unless if you are rich or lucky. You're not going to be a millionaire off of your $100-$1,000. I try to invent things, but I never had luck in getting a licensed deal. I might play games for an hour or watch YouTube videos on the side (sometimes on how to make money). So my day to day is miserable 99.999999% of the time.
Like I said, I'm jealous of anyone who doesn't hesitate when taking their life
I'm now in my mid 30s, anyone I really cared about is dead, I don't see how I can go from where I am now to a seriously better life that I want, and I wanted to be dead over half of my life. I wanted to be dead to the point that I originally didn't think I would make my 18 birthday. And when I made it beyond it I just didn't care until a given point. I made a date on when I will kill myself and it was the end of 2015. I figure if I don't kill myself by then then I need to just give up on this. I did for a short time when it looked like my life was turning around. But that turned out to be a bunch of BS college was shoving down my throat, and the reality was there is no grand job on the other end of that road.
Now I'm much older, I'm broke, I don't have a family outside of my parents, much of the rest of the family has nothing to do with me, and my biggest thing I look forward to each day is to go to sleep and stop trying. I regret not killing myself sooner.
And what makes it worse is I found out my granddad who I loved spending my time with, he put on an illusion. He was a great person, and worth living for. But everyone around him not so much. Maybe there was red flags I didn't see, but he put an illusion of a loving and caring family. Where get togethers were common, and there was a leave it to beaver thing going n. But in reality as soon as he died what he built up was taken down literally and metaphorically.
At one point I didn't kill myself because of them. I didn't want them to be sad. I regret not killing myself sooner so I would've died thinking the illusion was real. The happy small town family life was real.
Even if I do live, at this point IDK why. I'm not trying to join the job market anymore. I am not trying to make my own family. I try to help out my parents, but I'm 99% sure they would be fine without me. Like they try to put off an illusion of whatever, but in reality my dad is a workaholic that puts his work above his family nearly every time. Some of this is because if he doesn't, then he will be homeless. But the other part seems because he is dilutional that anything he does for the gov actually matters and won't be overwritten the second he retires. And my mom is an angry person that keeps siding with my drug addict drunk sister, and even today when she was asking for what computer to get. She immediately used it to start yelling at me, then name calling.
And what I do most days is sit on my computer all day trying to find ways to make money. Like I've made some off of crypto and stocks. But unless if you are rich or lucky. You're not going to be a millionaire off of your $100-$1,000. I try to invent things, but I never had luck in getting a licensed deal. I might play games for an hour or watch YouTube videos on the side (sometimes on how to make money). So my day to day is miserable 99.999999% of the time.
Like I said, I'm jealous of anyone who doesn't hesitate when taking their life
