I'm Incapable of Making Connections

[countingclocks]

Who else has the perpetual issue of never fully, or truly, connecting with other people? I personally was, or at least I think I was, capable of forming bonds at one point. However, in the past decade or so I haven't made a singular real connection. I cannot maintain any form of relationship. I stay alive because there are things I've wanted to do. However, having no social ability, or at very least no sincere social ability, just makes life feel like an untackleable nightmare. I never feel like a part of anything, and on the topic of nightmares, I have a lot of visceral ones about being attacked by various things and having no protection from them. I struggle so much with taking the executive action of ending my own life. Lately I've been intensely fearing that I'll be killed suddenly and violently. It's a double edged sword because on one hand an end is an end, but on the other, a lot of the reason I've spent so much time finding catharsis in suicide over other forms of personal death is in part due to having my life threatened constantly in brutal ways by a particular person all throughout my upbringing. That is also still the only person in my life that I can't escape at all. Everyone else at least has the decency to leave. The person who respects me the least will never go and I have no idea where to start running or if that would even work (it never did in the past). I feel like I'll always be an object. Its hard to even dream of not being one one day, as every small glimmer of hope I've ever hard has been stomped out each and every time. I keep hoping the alcohol will kill me. It's the only reason I do anything anymore. Sorry for dumping all this. I have no one to talk to so I thought I'd try coming here.

 

[littleearthquakes]

I can relate. I've always struggled to truly connect with people and if I do it usually falls apart horribly sooner rather than later. I feel out of place and misunderstood and that's only gotten worse with time not better. I don't always know why. I seem to see things differently and communicate differently and have different expectations than most people. Among other things. I'm sorry. It's really tough.

 

[Wolf Girl]

I'm so sorry you're going through this. Feel free to post as much as you want.

 

[shiba]

I do it to myself

 

[fungus]

I know the feeling. For some people it is really easy to have connections because they are extroverted or don't struggel with mental health. It is frustrating.
There is not much someone can do except going to therapy or trying to change the enviroment and hoping it helps.
Venting helps too, so don't apologize for it.