Duochrome-Seahorse
I hope I start rotting in my sleep
- Feb 23, 2023
- 60
It's been a while since I've been on this website. A few bad things happened to me and I think that's fueling my suicidal thoughts even more. But I'm not as impulsive to do it now. I'm still following my new plan I made, and I can follow thru with it. I recently got into group therapy and I'm not gonna lie, it isn't working. I just use it as an excuse to get out of my house. Therapy made me realize how much i mask, how often I mask, and my fears of unmasking has been coming up again. I can't say how I truly feel in therapy because if I did I'm going to get weird stares even from the most depressed person. These people are actually good people, from what they've shown me. they have families and children that they love. I don't have any of that. I hate my family, I don't care if the majority of them die. I don't have true friends and the friends I did make was because I made a mask convincing enough to be liked. I don't know who I am under the mask, and that worries me.
I kinda lost a lot of myself during a lot of events that took place in my life, and I hate the me I used to be, and I hate the me that I am now. I am actively trying to do more things I don't normally do, like going to social events, eating healthier, exercising often, journaling, doing my hobbies, etc. in hopes I can be a better person. But I'm just the same, I just do those things under it. Socializing has gotten a bit easier, but I still don't know how to be assertive and my voice still sounds childish (I have a baby face but I'm in my 20s) and it Fucking Sucks. I want to be respected and taken seriously by people. How am I supposed to be taken seriously looking and sounding the way that I do?
people like the mask I put in front of them. They do not favor the unmasked me. They don't favor when I don't feel like talking and just being observant of my surroundings. They don't favor that I have nothing of common ground to talk to them about. They favor the stand and look pretty me, the me who knows what to say and do. or sometimes they don't acknowledge me at all. All hurts either way, because I want to have friends and people to care about, but I am just not built for this. I'm hoping there's a clean-cut way to die without me hesitating, but I feel like hesitation is inevitable.
I'm spending these last few months doing everything I can and to try and not feel any regrets with anything when I eventually pass on. I started getting some decent sleep recently, and I plan on travelling more often, but the thought of suicide will always be at the back of my mind. I'm going to miss a lot of things, I'm going to miss a few people, but I think my time here is nearing its end.
I kinda lost a lot of myself during a lot of events that took place in my life, and I hate the me I used to be, and I hate the me that I am now. I am actively trying to do more things I don't normally do, like going to social events, eating healthier, exercising often, journaling, doing my hobbies, etc. in hopes I can be a better person. But I'm just the same, I just do those things under it. Socializing has gotten a bit easier, but I still don't know how to be assertive and my voice still sounds childish (I have a baby face but I'm in my 20s) and it Fucking Sucks. I want to be respected and taken seriously by people. How am I supposed to be taken seriously looking and sounding the way that I do?
people like the mask I put in front of them. They do not favor the unmasked me. They don't favor when I don't feel like talking and just being observant of my surroundings. They don't favor that I have nothing of common ground to talk to them about. They favor the stand and look pretty me, the me who knows what to say and do. or sometimes they don't acknowledge me at all. All hurts either way, because I want to have friends and people to care about, but I am just not built for this. I'm hoping there's a clean-cut way to die without me hesitating, but I feel like hesitation is inevitable.
I'm spending these last few months doing everything I can and to try and not feel any regrets with anything when I eventually pass on. I started getting some decent sleep recently, and I plan on travelling more often, but the thought of suicide will always be at the back of my mind. I'm going to miss a lot of things, I'm going to miss a few people, but I think my time here is nearing its end.
