Discussion I'm in so much pain and not sure how much more of it I can withstand

[ThisIsNotAPipe]

Over the past six months, I've fallen deeper and deeper into a depression that I can't seem to get out of. It has also been accompanied with a generalized sense of anxiety about nearly everything in my life. I'm in my late 30s with a family history of clinical depression, anxiety, and OCD. I've thought I've had this under control with a mixture of medications but it seems like my genes are getting the best of me. I am beginning to feel more anxious and depressed with suicidal thoughts pervading my mind. It should be noted here that I've had suicidal ideations for atleast 30 years but have never once acted on them. I'm now at a point where I'm seriously considering doing so. I have a plan laid out that I will post at some other time but briefly put it will involve driving to a gun friendly state and purchasing .38 caliber pistol, finding a secluded spot, and pulling the trigger.

I am posting this here to see if there is any help people have received from medications for their depression and anxiety. Is there anything that they recommend that I try or do. At this point, I feel like dead man walking pretending to be a part of the world when in reality I'm throttled by own misery. I'm not sure how long I continue to do this. How much suffer can a human being take? I have a prescription for Ativan that I've been using very sparingly for the anxiety but it doesn't seem to work on me. I just wish i could get the courage to go through with self-extermination but my laziness and cowardice prevents me from doing it. I wish the world was compassioante to those of us suffering from severe depression and anxiety and helped us to find ways out of our misery that included suicide assistance. If they only experienced the pain I've endured over the past 30 years, they would understand how necessary and humane it would be to let me die.

 

[liljeep]

I have the same issues and different ones, though I am a decade or more younger than you. I'm so sorry about your situation... mental issues are so painful and difficult to manage.

As for your question, it has not been my experience that Ativan is especially helpful. I take 2mg Klonopin daily; I used to take 2mg Xanax as needed but I find that the daily dose has been more helpful overall to me than a rescue medication. I don't take any other psych meds, they are too sedating and mute the happy emotions as well with too many side effects... but if you really want to look into those, I'd say Wellbutrin and Effexor/Pristiq are the least sedating. Of course use your own discretion and talk to the doctor who prescribed you Ativan about what he thinks is best to help you in your situation.

Some mood stabilizers can be helpful as well. Gabapentin does lower some people's overall anxiety, and I've heard good things about LDN though I did not try that myself for long and my current psych refuses to prescribe it with me. (LDN might be your downfall if you ever needed opioids administered as emergency pain relief in the hospital)

 

[Praestat_Mori]

I'm sorry you have to go through this. It's so awful. Mental problems are such a complex stuff and therefore it's per se difficult to treat them especially when you don't know whats really causing the issues. I personally wouldn't take any meds because this is simply trial and error, but with risks that you might get addicted to the one or other meds and unwanted side effects or the symtoms become even worse. All you can do is making your own decision if you want to give meds/therapy a try or not.

How much suffer can a human being take?

Regarding your question: The human body can take nearly ENDLESS suffering. It's terribly difficult to just CTB for most of us. There should be easy accessible ways for everyone when they want to cease existence in this world.

 

[ThisIsNotAPipe]

I lost my job two weeks ago. They were reducing head count left and right and I got the axe. This is after working there for more than 7 years. I'm conflicted about what happened. It was time to move on and I knew it but I also miss the steady income from the job along with the camaraderie and the sense of accomplishment that came from the work I did. I knew there was a possibility that I was going to get fired but because my work was expanding, I figured I'd be safe. I was wrong. I was part of the set of people to be removed from the company.

As this happened to me, I had been experiencing a very serious depressive episode that started around February 2023 but the roots of it go further back. As noted in my earlier post, I've had ideations since I was 8 years old and most of my life up until now has resulted in living with these ideations during the good times and the bad. I am in my late 30s so I've been battling with this for quite a while. Around February I felt myself going deeper and deeper into my depression where I wasn't just fantasizing about ending my life but was doing the necessary research to do it. This is not new for me. There have been 10 or more points in my life when I have been in the same emotional stage but have never gone through with it. It was always a stage in my depression that would go away to run of the mill dysthymia. By the time February 2023 rolled around, I became more and more certain that I needed to go through with the impulsive I've all these years. I needed to bite the bullet, as it were, and get myself ready for ending my life. I am very close to that point.


Since I've lost my job, I've had anxiety attacks that won't remit. I've felt worthless and disappointed in myself and a sense of shame even in being unemployed even though I know it's a common usually transitory experience. As I just found out that I'm unemployed, I've also used this as an opportunity to buffer my mental health which had been in a disastrous state already before the firing. I couldn't concentrate. I had racing thoughts that would spew out the same resentful monologues and conversations in my head. I would have intrusive thoughts. I would have looping thoughts repeating over and over again in my head. And in the midst of this I still needed to keep focus on the work tasks at hand. These thoughts come from my OCD. I am currently taking Luvox at near the highest dosage to combat it along with Klonipin for the unremitting anxiety that pops up spontaneously and lasts throughout the day. I am two weeks into this heavy treatment with Luvox and Klonipin but I can't say whether in fact it is working to combat my depression and ideations. The anxiety is pretty well abated by Klonipin but the anti-depressant/anti-OCD effects of the Luvox, well the jury is still out on that.

I hope this medication works. I hope I get my relationship to life to a state where I want to live again. If I can't, I will take the next steps and end this suffering as I probably should have decades ago.