I've been planning to wait until late November / early December this year to attempt again. It will be the anniversary of my 2022 attempts, and I sort of promised myself I'd try for one more year to see if I can improve things. I suppose I want to go down kicking, rather than just giving up. I'm trying to fill my time till then. I've been going to therapy 2-4 times a week, I've made myself some friends, I've been going to the gym, I've been meditating, I've been journaling, I'm losing some weight, I'm eating well. All the standard stuff you've got to do to stop being mentally ill. It's not helping at all. I feel just as bad, except now I have even more stuff I'm struggling to do.
I've got tickets booked for something next month. I'm going to try going back to some sort of education in September. I'm also hoping to get surgery that might improve my quality of life somewhat around the same time. I've got plans to go to comic con with a friend in November and I've got another friend who wants to come to visit once he's got his licence. I'm crocheting a blanket and I've decided I definitely can't kill myself until it's done.
I know all of this is the healthy, normal stuff that I'm supposed to be doing according to my therapist, but the truth is I'm still miserable. I'm just coming up with things to procrastinate on the inevitable. I wake up everyday and say to myself "I can do one more day. I can always kill myself tomorrow". It's been like this for years.
I genuinely didn't think I'd still be here; I wish I had died in December.
So, I guess the question is, is it worth holding on? None of my problems will really be solved, all the medical professionals I see admit to this. I'm in the "manage and maintain, you'll learn to cope" stage, rather than the "treat it and beat it, it's going to get better" stage. I'm going to kill myself eventually one way or another. I've given myself an expiry date to draw things to the close. This is the only place I can get an honest opinion, because everywhere else is centred on the idea of getting me to hold until I don't want to die. Realistically though, that's not going to happen for me. I'm in pain, mentally and physically. It's not going away. Is it worth it to stay a while longer, to drag it out until the very end just in case things get better? I truly can't decide.
I've got tickets booked for something next month. I'm going to try going back to some sort of education in September. I'm also hoping to get surgery that might improve my quality of life somewhat around the same time. I've got plans to go to comic con with a friend in November and I've got another friend who wants to come to visit once he's got his licence. I'm crocheting a blanket and I've decided I definitely can't kill myself until it's done.
I know all of this is the healthy, normal stuff that I'm supposed to be doing according to my therapist, but the truth is I'm still miserable. I'm just coming up with things to procrastinate on the inevitable. I wake up everyday and say to myself "I can do one more day. I can always kill myself tomorrow". It's been like this for years.
I genuinely didn't think I'd still be here; I wish I had died in December.
So, I guess the question is, is it worth holding on? None of my problems will really be solved, all the medical professionals I see admit to this. I'm in the "manage and maintain, you'll learn to cope" stage, rather than the "treat it and beat it, it's going to get better" stage. I'm going to kill myself eventually one way or another. I've given myself an expiry date to draw things to the close. This is the only place I can get an honest opinion, because everywhere else is centred on the idea of getting me to hold until I don't want to die. Realistically though, that's not going to happen for me. I'm in pain, mentally and physically. It's not going away. Is it worth it to stay a while longer, to drag it out until the very end just in case things get better? I truly can't decide.
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