Venting Im in love

[pineapple-chicken]

I fucked up so bad, I was in a polyamourous relationship for 2 months, with two men. I fell in love with the one, the other was kind and beautiful but i couldn't see a happy future with him, so I broke up with them.

That was about a week ago, and the guy I love hasn't spoken to me at all, I didn't even get to break up with him, he cried as soon as he heard I wanted to leave and locked himself in his room. The other guy, he begged me to take him back, but I said no, even though he promised to try better, promised we could work things out. I refused, I dont really know why, I think I didn't want to seem like I have a weak character. He sent me like a 2 page text the next day about how much he fucked up and he's so sorry, and then I blocked him.


Yesterday I tried to hook up with another guy. I thought it would make me feel better after a week of feeling like dog shit. It didn't help, every part of him just felt like the ghost of the man i loved, it was just a reminder that I'm not holing him. I messaged my exes yesterday, I want to see them one last time, before I ctb, it's going to happen before new years if everything goes to plan.

Carbon monoxide is the plan, there's this beautiful abandoned mine shaft with a small unventilated room that I think would be perfect, it's so secluded it would probably take months to find me.

But neither of them have responded, and they were my only reason for living. I have no job, no friends, no family who doesn't think I'm some disgusting degenerate who's going to hell. Idk, this feels like a mess of a post but I need to tell somone.

Thanks for being someone if you're reading this

 

[Yaffle]

So sorry your love life isn't as you want, that's probably a running theme on this board to one extent or another.

Do you have a history or suicidal thoughts or just since this relationship broke up?

 

[pineapple-chicken]

Ive been suicidal since I was like 11, I honestly wish I did it earlier so I didnt end up hurting people now, and immediately after the break up I was relatively fine, but yesterday I broke down, realised i want to ctb and cried for hours, and then I hooked up with the guy and cried some more in his bathroom.

 

[Yaffle]

How old are you now? I'm very long term suicidal thoughts myself.

 

[eppell]

Oh wow. Such a similar story.
I was also in a polyamourous relationship with 2 guys and everything crumbled. Now the one guy I really love treats me with indifference and it hurts so freakin much.
I'm sure it's not the same thing but I can imagine how you feel.
Although it may seem like a teenager problem, I'm already 33yo.

 

[NewSereneC]

Prior to acquiring brain injuries and my physical limitations, I was in a similar boat and it nearly destroyed me. Sending all my warmest thoughts. C x

 

[pineapple-chicken]

How old are you now? I'm very long term suicidal thoughts myself.

I'm 19

Oh wow. Such a similar story.
I was also in a polyamourous relationship with 2 guys and everything crumbled. Now the one guy I really love treats me with indifference and it hurts so freakin much.
I'm sure it's not the same thing but I can imagine how you feel.
Although it may seem like a teenager problem, I'm already 33yo.

I totally get you, if I could I would still be with this guy, but theybe been together for 4 years and they even got engaged like the week after we met. They're definitely meant for each other, but I don't think I am and it hurts, and there's nothing I can do about it.

It sucks being in that kind of situation, I'm sorry man

 

[Yaffle]

I'm 19

So young

You're adult and we all respect your choice but we're also here as friends if we can help you through this to a better life.

I've had these thoughts for over 30 years, but in a really bad phase recently but mostly they're more bearable.

For what it's worth, CO and inert gas are my main method ideas, probably as peaceful as it gets without the unobtainable Nembutal.