PimpHand
Member
- Dec 24, 2022
- 9
Hello,
First off, I'm not from the USA, and I have below average writing skills. Sorry if the text is confusing.
I wanted to get the help I so much needed. I have enough money to cover that. The thing is, thanks to my shitty (yet somewhat well paying) job, I have to live in the middle of nowhere, with absolutely no services, no clinics, nothing. Just one public therapist which is pretty hard to get due to high demand. Also, I have no time to get online therapy. I'm out of home all week, I go from job to college, which is 70 km away from my home. At the weekends, I talk 40 minutes to one therapist who helps me in nothing. I only keep talking to him because I need his report so I can keep away from dealing with people at work.
So, without any options, I'm resorting to this forum. I hope that, at least, someone might stumble upon this and help me somehow.
I don't want to live anymore. I find no happiness. I have money, good clothes, a nice PC, nice games. But I'm not happy. I'm empty. I can't feel connected to the real world. I can't concentrate. I can't set goals and actually follow them. I just want desperately to be loved and accepted, and sometimes I do absurd things trying to get that.
My moods changes very fast. If someone talks to me, I get calm and happy. I start to make plans and to daydream. But when bad things happen, my reaction is completely disproportionate. I yell at people, insult them, I attack them at they weakest point. A lot of times I have an obsession with revenge. I am very sensitive to all kinds of criticism. One day my teacher criticized my essay, and I almost threw the chair at him.
I have an ungodly amount of jealousy. Every time I see someone being successful, I feel pain. I feel sad, angry, betrayed by the world. Even if my successes far exceed theirs. I earn more than most of my former colleagues (I dropped college one time). I have almost anything I want. And I earned everything by myself. I passed admission exams and earned the job. But seeing my colleagues in majors and PhDs... that's almost like a knife slicing my skin.
But the worst thing of all: I have no friends. No one wants to be around me. Although I hate everything in me, some girls even called me handsome. Actually, I even got assaulted on the streets. And although I hated that, somehow people like my looks. I'm thin, with dyed curly hair, and my skin is clean, mostly because I take skincare seriously. My body skin is soft and shaved. I wear earrings, collars and rings. The only thing I lack is a tattoo, because I think tattoos are a harm against my body. I don't need to needle my skin just to be pretty. So, looks aren't the problem. The problem is, I'm an insufferable, narcissistic pos. Nobody will ever like me because nothing I do is authentic. Everything I build for years can be destroyed by a single bad mood. I can completely destroy someone's self esteem and make them cry (that happened before). Why would anybody like me? Doesn't matter my IQ is 130, my school medals, my knowledge of lots of different topics... at the end of the day, people know I'm rotting inside, and even if they like me, they don't want to be part of my suffering... So, I have no one...
I didn't want to be like that. I just wanted to be happy! Happy with myself. I wanted to play violin, be a writer, camp in a forest, be a decent chess player... I just wanted to live life at its fullest. But I can't do that. I can't get past my trauma. And EVERY SINGLE TIME I try to do anything to do any step towards the solution, life just tries to shit at me. Just an example: I bought Paul Conti's book about trauma. But I can't read it, because the fucking transport has insulfilm on the glass! Fuck man! How can I read it? I can't read it elsewhere...
Oh, and just to add two things to make my life even more miserable: I have ASD, and I'm trans. I have gender dysphoria. I had that since my teens. One day a girl was painting her nails, I asked her to paint mine. I loved it, it looked amazing! But when I showed to my mother... she said it was horrible, and demanded I removed. Why? Wy did she say that to me?
I'm just tired. I don't want to do anything anymore. Is there anything I can do to be happier? Is it over to me? I don't know anymore. I just want to rot in my bed.
First off, I'm not from the USA, and I have below average writing skills. Sorry if the text is confusing.
I wanted to get the help I so much needed. I have enough money to cover that. The thing is, thanks to my shitty (yet somewhat well paying) job, I have to live in the middle of nowhere, with absolutely no services, no clinics, nothing. Just one public therapist which is pretty hard to get due to high demand. Also, I have no time to get online therapy. I'm out of home all week, I go from job to college, which is 70 km away from my home. At the weekends, I talk 40 minutes to one therapist who helps me in nothing. I only keep talking to him because I need his report so I can keep away from dealing with people at work.
So, without any options, I'm resorting to this forum. I hope that, at least, someone might stumble upon this and help me somehow.
I don't want to live anymore. I find no happiness. I have money, good clothes, a nice PC, nice games. But I'm not happy. I'm empty. I can't feel connected to the real world. I can't concentrate. I can't set goals and actually follow them. I just want desperately to be loved and accepted, and sometimes I do absurd things trying to get that.
My moods changes very fast. If someone talks to me, I get calm and happy. I start to make plans and to daydream. But when bad things happen, my reaction is completely disproportionate. I yell at people, insult them, I attack them at they weakest point. A lot of times I have an obsession with revenge. I am very sensitive to all kinds of criticism. One day my teacher criticized my essay, and I almost threw the chair at him.
I have an ungodly amount of jealousy. Every time I see someone being successful, I feel pain. I feel sad, angry, betrayed by the world. Even if my successes far exceed theirs. I earn more than most of my former colleagues (I dropped college one time). I have almost anything I want. And I earned everything by myself. I passed admission exams and earned the job. But seeing my colleagues in majors and PhDs... that's almost like a knife slicing my skin.
But the worst thing of all: I have no friends. No one wants to be around me. Although I hate everything in me, some girls even called me handsome. Actually, I even got assaulted on the streets. And although I hated that, somehow people like my looks. I'm thin, with dyed curly hair, and my skin is clean, mostly because I take skincare seriously. My body skin is soft and shaved. I wear earrings, collars and rings. The only thing I lack is a tattoo, because I think tattoos are a harm against my body. I don't need to needle my skin just to be pretty. So, looks aren't the problem. The problem is, I'm an insufferable, narcissistic pos. Nobody will ever like me because nothing I do is authentic. Everything I build for years can be destroyed by a single bad mood. I can completely destroy someone's self esteem and make them cry (that happened before). Why would anybody like me? Doesn't matter my IQ is 130, my school medals, my knowledge of lots of different topics... at the end of the day, people know I'm rotting inside, and even if they like me, they don't want to be part of my suffering... So, I have no one...
I didn't want to be like that. I just wanted to be happy! Happy with myself. I wanted to play violin, be a writer, camp in a forest, be a decent chess player... I just wanted to live life at its fullest. But I can't do that. I can't get past my trauma. And EVERY SINGLE TIME I try to do anything to do any step towards the solution, life just tries to shit at me. Just an example: I bought Paul Conti's book about trauma. But I can't read it, because the fucking transport has insulfilm on the glass! Fuck man! How can I read it? I can't read it elsewhere...
Oh, and just to add two things to make my life even more miserable: I have ASD, and I'm trans. I have gender dysphoria. I had that since my teens. One day a girl was painting her nails, I asked her to paint mine. I loved it, it looked amazing! But when I showed to my mother... she said it was horrible, and demanded I removed. Why? Wy did she say that to me?
I'm just tired. I don't want to do anything anymore. Is there anything I can do to be happier? Is it over to me? I don't know anymore. I just want to rot in my bed.
