Venting I'm hoping to leave in 2021

[Despondent]

Consider this a short vent.

I've heard somebody once say, "what's the point of being alive when you never leave your bed? You're not living, you're just existing."

I'm existing and I'm just taking up space. This isn't about the trauma that's brought me to this point anymore. I'm numb. I've seen good in this world but hardly. I don't care to be apart of society or to do anything productive with my life. I don't wish to marry, have children, or even make changes sometimes. Life seems lonely and it causes me to wonder how people can stick it out for so long. Yesterday marks a year ago that I've joined this forum and, ironically, you all have saved me from myself for that time. I'll forever be grateful for this place.

I don't like who I am. I don't see anything good going for me. This world is very scary.

I've never really brought myself close to an attempt besides planning. This is not a final goodbye, it is a vent. Even with the dates I had planned, the day before those dates, I knew I wouldn't be able to kill myself. It's quite embarrassing for somebody who hates life and is as miserable as I am.

Of course bringing yourself to the idea of dying isn't easy but I want to leave this world being proud of myself, loving myself, and feeling like the person I was. I don't want people to remember me as somebody who was mentally ill and had "issues." I would like to be remembered for who I was, and not who I've become.

I'm not going to be happy if I'm still around in another year.

 

[WornOutLife]

I'm not going to be happy if I'm still around in another year.

This is exactly how I feel! My ctb date will be in 2021 no matter what.

Anyway, I'm really sorry you're suffering so much, I wish I could help you.

Lots of hugs to you and I hope things get better with whatever decision you make!

 

[SuicidallyCurious]

The only thing i can say to you about being idle is that being idle is generating good karma. every useless thing you don't do or don't buy is helping out /w global warming. Now of course logically people know if they CTB thats the ultimate way to become 0 carbon... an option too extreme for most. I have had times in my life where i worked 100+ hr/week and started to think i should relax, its easier on the planet and on my health.

Yes this world is very scary. And so many people i think will experience hell for their entire lives. Good luck whether you choose to CTB or not - if you do i hope you can have a painless method

 

[watereyes]

Feel the same! My set date is in 2021 and I'll ctb because of an eye disease, but even if I didn't have it, me staying alive would only take up space. What a waste!

 

[Teal_Blue_Dreams]

Consider this a short vent.

I've heard somebody once say, "what's the point of being alive when you never leave your bed? You're not living, you're just existing."

I'm existing and I'm just taking up space. This isn't about the trauma that's brought me to this point anymore. I'm numb. I've seen good in this world but hardly. I don't care to be apart of society or to do anything productive with my life. I don't wish to marry, have children, or even make changes sometimes. Life seems lonely and it causes me to wonder how people can stick it out for so long. Yesterday marks a year ago that I've joined this forum and, ironically, you all have saved me from myself for that time. I'll forever be grateful for this place.

I don't like who I am. I don't see anything good going for me. This world is very scary.

I've never really brought myself close to an attempt besides planning. This is not a final goodbye, it is a vent. Even with the dates I had planned, the day before those dates, I knew I wouldn't be able to kill myself. It's quite embarrassing for somebody who hates life and is as miserable as I am.

THIS PART!!!-> Of course bringing yourself to the idea of dying isn't easy but I want to leave this world being proud of myself, loving myself, and feeling like the person I was. I don't want people to remember me as somebody who was mentally ill and had "issues." I would like to be remembered for who I was, and not who I've become.

I'm not going to be happy if I'm still around in another year.

i totally understand and hear you. and i also see above.

 

[virginiawoolf86]

Of course bringing yourself to the idea of dying isn't easy but I want to leave this world being proud of myself, loving myself, and feeling like the person I was. I don't want people to remember me as somebody who was mentally ill and had "issues." I would like to be remembered for who I was, and not who I've become.

I'm not going to be happy if I'm still around in another year.

I felt this intensely. I also don't want to be remembered for what I've become or for being mentally ill. I don't want to be remembered for being the person who can't look my family in the eye, who hides out in the bedroom or the shower just trying to "cope", who drinks to excess to the point where I don't remember what I said or did.

So that being said, I'm sorry you're feeling this way. It isn't easy to process the idea of something you've become rather than something you were. It's like a living death. I'm not a pro-lifer, and I hope you won't take what I say into offense because I surely don't mean it in any way, but I hope that you'll exhaust all your resources before you decide to CTB. Maybe there's some sort of help out there. I don't know. I'd like to think so. I'm still holding out for something. I don't know what though.

Ultimately, it's your decision. Only you know how you feel and how much you can withstand. I wish you weren't in this position. I wish none of us were in a position to want to CTB. By that I mean, I wish none of us had to face the ultimate cruelties that life has to offer. It's simply not fair that some of us get to be relatively happy, while there are those of us who wake up wanting to die each day. I'll never understand why this has to happen. It makes me very sad.

Sorry for the rant. I really do hope that you find some sort of peace of mind.

 

[sadworld]

Oh nooo! One of my favorite game companions. I'm sorry you feel like that. I wish we all didn't need to suffer like that. I'm also just existing and not actually living and it's definitely not fun... I wish you all the best and may you get the peace you desire!

 

[Teal_Blue_Dreams]

I felt this intensely. I also don't want to be remembered for what I've become or for being mentally ill. I don't want to be remembered for being the person who can't look my family in the eye, who hides out in the bedroom or the shower just trying to "cope", who drinks to excess to the point where I don't remember what I said or did.

So that being said, I'm sorry you're feeling this way. It isn't easy to process the idea of something you've become rather than something you were. It's like a living death. I'm not a pro-lifer, and I hope you won't take what I say into offense because I surely don't mean it in any way, but I hope that you'll exhaust all your resources before you decide to CTB. Maybe there's some sort of help out there. I don't know. I'd like to think so. I'm still holding out for something. I don't know what though.

Ultimately, it's your decision. Only you know how you feel and how much you can withstand. I wish you weren't in this position. I wish none of us were in a position to want to CTB. By that I mean, I wish none of us had to face the ultimate cruelties that life has to offer. It's simply not fair that some of us get to be relatively happy, while there are those of us who wake up wanting to die each day. I'll never understand why this has to happen. It makes me very sad.

Sorry for the rant. I really do hope that you find some sort of peace of mind.

you are speaking my language sister!

 

[Donk]

I've never really brought myself close to an attempt besides planning. This is not a final goodbye, it is a vent. Even with the dates I had planned, the day before those dates, I knew I wouldn't be able to kill myself. It's quite embarrassing for somebody who hates life and is as miserable as I am.

Don't be embarrass Cease. As much as I need my life to end, I find myself having difficulties accepting my fate. Something is preventing me from going through with the final act. Maybe it's the delusion that I still have a shot at recovery. or maybe it's the fear of the unknown after I cross over. I'm spiraling deeper and deeper so it's just a matter of time before I meet my maker. Anyways Cease, we are here to support you until the very end. I don't think you are perceived here as just someone who is not well but also gentle soul who loves to help others in their bad times. Enjoy your Cocoa!

 

[I screwed up]

Cutting the story short hope I go as well in 2021... Can't continue like this

 

[stygal]

I need to leave this planet too.
Too much physical and mental pain.
Also there’s nothing which excites me anymore anyhow it’s just pure „existence“ which I accepted as of late. Don’t care. I had some good times, so I guess I‘ll try to go through these in the remaining time.

 

[demuic]

I'm too tired. There's no way of "improving" myself. Who I was before just existed based on possibilities and hopes, and those have all been crushed. I'm not capable of the things I want to do.

I will try some other drugs but no more antidepressants.

Even if you want to get help no one wants to really help you. I had 3 different people who were supposed to be in contact with me to help me and none of them could be bothered to communicate with me even once.

Now I'm too tired to try and make any appointments with any mental health care providers. They make it as hard as possible, appointments so far out what's the point of even making them. Then you have to pay if your insurance does not cover it (in America).

I miss some of the old relationships I had which either I got rid of or I was left behind. But I have no way of contacting those people anymore.

There's nothing here for me. I'm only here because of my mother who will hopefully grow tired of me because I don't see the point of going back to college anymore.

 

[Pookie]

I need to leave this planet too.
Too much physical and mental pain.
Also there’s nothing which excites me anymore anyhow it’s just pure „existence“ which I accepted as of late. Don’t care. I had some good times, so I guess I‘ll try to go through these in the remaining time.

I hear you. I used to only have mental pain but now I have both physical and mental pain = hell on Earth.

 

[NegativeSymptoms]

I will leave this year too. :)