(TW: ed) Hello,
I have no one else to really talk to about this, so im just gonna drop it here
I hate myself so much. I get so fucking pissed just looking at my own face.
Before I was forced to recover from 4norexia, I actually had a good grasp of my life. I'd never felt better about myself, and I was perfectionistic about everything. I actually had somewhat of a social life, and my grades were actually good. I found comfort in the fact that I had everything in order, in routine. After I was forced to recover, however, I had never felt shittier. After I had gained back all my hard work, my grades dropped, I'm so moody and hostile towards my friends and im starting to lose most of them, and I feel like I lost all my purpose. It honestly doesnt help that my boyfriend's ex girlfriend is prettier, naturally skinnier, taller, and smarter than me. She's perfect in everything im lacking. I feel like he'd leave me in a heartbeat if she asked him to. I'm so disgusting, it's like I was born to have an ED just by the way my skeletal structure is. On top of that, my relationship with my family is falling apart. Any kind of solace or joy I found in spending time with them had been long gone, as they all despise me. They despise the fact that I had let myself go. Everyone I know is so so so much better than me in every single way, I have no outlet for releasing my stress anymore, because my only hobby, my only coping mechanism was my eating disorder. Everything I had control of prior to recovery is suddenly out of my control. I can always wait a year until my eating disorder treatment is over until i relapse, but i'm too impatient to fucking wait. If im going to be honest, I don't know if I'm having body image issues, if this is a desperate attempt to have some form or control, or if I just want to CTB.
I have no one else to really talk to about this, so im just gonna drop it here
I hate myself so much. I get so fucking pissed just looking at my own face.
Before I was forced to recover from 4norexia, I actually had a good grasp of my life. I'd never felt better about myself, and I was perfectionistic about everything. I actually had somewhat of a social life, and my grades were actually good. I found comfort in the fact that I had everything in order, in routine. After I was forced to recover, however, I had never felt shittier. After I had gained back all my hard work, my grades dropped, I'm so moody and hostile towards my friends and im starting to lose most of them, and I feel like I lost all my purpose. It honestly doesnt help that my boyfriend's ex girlfriend is prettier, naturally skinnier, taller, and smarter than me. She's perfect in everything im lacking. I feel like he'd leave me in a heartbeat if she asked him to. I'm so disgusting, it's like I was born to have an ED just by the way my skeletal structure is. On top of that, my relationship with my family is falling apart. Any kind of solace or joy I found in spending time with them had been long gone, as they all despise me. They despise the fact that I had let myself go. Everyone I know is so so so much better than me in every single way, I have no outlet for releasing my stress anymore, because my only hobby, my only coping mechanism was my eating disorder. Everything I had control of prior to recovery is suddenly out of my control. I can always wait a year until my eating disorder treatment is over until i relapse, but i'm too impatient to fucking wait. If im going to be honest, I don't know if I'm having body image issues, if this is a desperate attempt to have some form or control, or if I just want to CTB.
