Venting im honestly weak and a loser

[lwovely]

I honestly feel like a coward for not being able to CTB. I keep making plans to do so but I never get around it because I am genuinely scared. I don't do well around pain which is what holds me back honestly. I know I shouldn't be suicidal but I feel like a failure knowing I am struggling with trade school. I know I just failed one weld test but I am terrified that I won't be able to make it towards the AIT exams. I feel like if I just ended my life then these issues that are expanding in my mind would go away.

I know I should be happy, I am going to school and I have a boyfriend but I honestly don't know anymore. I can barely make friends outside my campus and I feel so isolated. I don't even know if my boyfriend is interested in me at this point. He would rather spend all his money unboxing CSGO skins with his friends instead of me. Whenever I try to talk about my problems, he would rather leave me on read because "he doesn't know what to say". I can't even tell him about this because I know he would not understand. I just feel so alone. I keep trying to stay positive and push through with it but I can't do this anymore. I am honestly tired. Maybe I should admit myself but I don't want to risk losing my education even though it may be better for me mentally.

 

[coffeebeany]

I m so sorry you have to go through this. It sounds very distressing and painful. Can I ask, why would you risk losing your education if you admit yourself?

 

[Ineedthis18743]

I know exactly what you mean. I literally made a thread the other day saying how I feel that anyone who succeeds ctb is brave. I admire the courage they have

 

[lwovely]

I m so sorry you have to go through this. It sounds very distressing and painful. Can I ask, why would you risk losing your education if you admit yourself?

I don't want to have to restart my whole course again. I know they would most likely kick me out and it's just not worth it for me. I would rather just suffer and hope I can push through it. I just have this fear that I may not be able to pass :(

I know exactly what you mean. I literally made a thread the other day saying how I feel that anyone who succeeds ctb is brave. I admire the courage they have

I agree and I know it's terrible for me to say but I wish I had that courage to do so because it will solve most of my issues I am struggling to deal with.

 

[coffeebeany]

I don't want to have to restart my whole course again. I know they would most likely kick me out and it's just not worth it for me. I would rather just suffer and hope I can push through it. I just have this fear that I may not be able to pass :(

I understand :-( how distressing. I am so so sorry this is burdening you. I was in quite a similar situation if comparison is even possible. I was writing my Master thesis in 2022 and I already had the date of my admission. It was so painful to push through but I submitted it and went straight to the hospital. I m not trying to give advice, just sharing information and my experience. So I m sure it is possible. But I understand your fear and I sympathize. And I get the urge to just CBT. It feels like such a relief when you feel trapped in such a situation.

 

[zekeyaeger]

Yeah, pretty much. I did a fast for a while for SN based CBT, but just gave in and ate food. Death scared the shit out of me.