Venting I'm having second thoughts as CTB date nears

[CowardlyLies]

I keep changing my timeline because 2 days ago I was in a good enough mood to research how to get diagnosed with adhd and getting antidepressants. But then my dad made me cry saying I was useless staying in my room all the time after dropping out from community college. So I accelerated my CTB date to today but then last night I was hesitating and having second thoughts. The reasons I'm reconsidering are because a friend recently attempted and he's seeing his therapist on Tuesday. I also feel like I'm not worthy enough to consider suicide yet, like I haven't suffered or tried recovery enough yet. I don't have any chronic pain or physical illness. I don't even know if I have any mental conditions, I'm afraid of getting diagnosed, what if I'm just an idiot who almost failed highschool, failed college and can't re-learn their home language?

But at the same time I do have reasons, like my dad is abusive (he also smokes while I have asthma) and the rest of my family are neglectful or ignorant. My parents are too old to understand mental health and my sister somehow hasn't realized that I'm super depressed. I'm 4'11 so that's too short for most adult clothes, I think it's too short to join the military, and I'm gonna get infantilized by strangers. I stopped taking my Isotretinoin(accutane) for my acne and stopped going to the doctor for it. I missed my first week of classes because I was planning to die soon so I think I have to drop out for the 3rd time and I'm scared of how disappointed, sad, or mad my family will be.
I didn't make any new friends the first time I went to college and seperated with all my old friends. Therapy and medication needs insurance or a job and I feel like i'm too stupid to get a job. I should of gotten diagnosed and help years ago but I never felt safe or comfortable reaching out for help infact it never even crossed my mind that I might have a mental condition!! and now I feel stupid and it's too late. I always hide all my problems and delay until it's too late to fix them!!!

Please tell me is my life fucked? How can i fix this? Should i refund my classes again or risk losing money again? I have my medicaid insurance card should i call my PCP? Should i do a voluntary commitment to a mental hospital? I don't know what to do!!! or why I'm hesitating so much on killing myself!!!

 

[Eriktf]

Please tell me is my life fucked?
No its not, do something with your mental stuff then when your actually capable of school/work then focus on it school/work

How can i fix this? Should i refund my classes again or risk losing money again?
You won't get better if you don't make an effort to get better, nothing will just be better over night

Staying in your room is probably not the best for your mental health, go for a walk i hated hearing that but that and pretty much all of thoes advices work

Do something good for yourself everyday, make 1 improvement a day

I have my medicaid insurance card should i call my PCP?
I recommend it

Should i do a voluntary commitment to a mental hospital?
Maybe, talk to your PCP

I don't know what to do!!! or why I'm hesitating so much on killing myself!!!
Survival instincts are why you hesitate

So what to do..
Everything is your choice
But
Ctb before you have tryed to get better is sad, at lest try to recover

How to recover is different from everyone
You might need one or multiple of the following and maybe something completely different
Talk to your doctor, the doctor can guide you
Therapist
Hospital stay
Move to your own place
Get a job
Workout
Get a hobby
Girlfriend/boyfriend
Back to school
Do projects
Meds
Be more on SaSu or delete your account, many find help and support on this site but in all honesty we have many members that ctb, do what you feal like regarding how much you use this forum
Etc

You might find something useful here:

Recovery and Crisis Resource Compilation

The following are resources for you to reach out for help and support. We encourage you to seek recovery and be happy. Different resources work for different people, so we encourage you try several until you find what you need. Your happiness comes first. The list has been created from...

sanctioned-suicide.net

 

[darksoul999]

Good old SI (Survival instincts) are a bitch.

I have made MANY plans to CTB within the past 4 years, 2 almost fatal. I am 26 BTW.

Its sounds simple but its true. When the pain becomes stronger then the will to continue, that will be the day.

I have personally tried several meds, None worked. They made me too numb and i actually missed the depths of my depression weirdly enough.

I have also tried Ketamine. Worked for some time then my Bipolar 2 came back.

I would recommend, trying at least medication, for some it works.

I wish you the best :)

 

[CowardlyLies]

Please tell me is my life fucked?
No its not, do something with your mental stuff then when your actually capable of school/work then focus on it school/work

How can i fix this? Should i refund my classes again or risk losing money again?
You won't get better if you don't make an effort to get better, nothing will just be better over night

Staying in your room is probably not the best for your mental health, go for a walk i hated hearing that but that and pretty much all of thoes advices work

Do something good for yourself everyday, make 1 improvement a day

I have my medicaid insurance card should i call my PCP?
I recommend it

Should i do a voluntary commitment to a mental hospital?
Maybe, talk to your PCP

Tysm for the advice I will try it!

Good old SI (Survival instincts) are a bitch.

I have made MANY plans to CTB within the past 4 years, 2 almost fatal. I am 26 BTW.

Its sounds simple but its true. When the pain becomes stronger then the will to continue, that will be the day.

I have personally tried several meds, None worked. They made me too numb and i actually missed the depths of my depression weirdly enough.

I have also tried Ketamine. Worked for some time then my Bipolar 2 came back.

I would recommend, trying at least medication, for some it works.

I wish you the best :)

Survival instincts yeah, I was thinking about it the entire last night. I was completely ready to CTB 2 days ago but then i flipped to not wanting to today.

 

[EternalShore]

so that's too short for most adult clothes

personally, I prefer wearing kids clothes~ they're cheaper and kyute usually~ altho, ofc, I'm slowly outgrowing them as I try to better myself~ >_< however, if you want to wear adult clothes, clothes for shorter people are typically called "petite"~ You may be able to find them in a discount store or a clothing store which specializes in them~

I missed my first week of classes because I was planning to die soon so I think I have to drop out for the 3rd time and I'm scared of how disappointed, sad, or mad my family will be.

I would check in with the college about that~ at my college, it was 20%, and missing the first week isn't really viewed too negatively because people are still swapping classes around~ that being said, if you know you can't, you should drop out and try to get a refund as soon as you can~ >~< also, I know what's done is done, but pls try not to stop doing anything or do anything rash because you expect to be gone soon~ that just makes your quality of life even worse should you choose to stay~ :<

if you wish, you can try meds and therapy and such if you think it has a chance of working~ :) I know that some people's lives change after they get ADHD or depression meds~ this can be done via your parents' health insurance (if they it) if you live in the US and are under 25~

regarding work, a lot of jobs basically just require warm bodies~ here's some job-related advice of mine from another thread if you wish~ :) if these don't work, you can also try your luck with temp agencies too~ as long as you have a high school diploma/GED, you're generally considered smart enough for at least entry-level jobs at most places~ :)

Anyways, when I got laid off of my 2nd job, I went back into substitute teaching~ Teaching itself is not as vacant as people claim, so you probably shouldn't try it for job security (I unfortunately did~ :/)~ However, substitute teaching basically lets you choose your schedule somewhat, so it's really good because you can still do it even when you get a 2nd job but are still underemployed~ You can also try tutoring (generally has bad pay and/or bad hours) and becoming a classroom aide (teacher without the pay nor responsibility) too~

If you can try to connect with your college and/or "go back" to college to get a campus job, that is certainly something to try~ Since colleges typically only let foreign students do jobs over the breaks (summer, Christmas, etc.), you can try to get a seasonal job (summer camp during the summer and retail during the fall rush) to make up for that time lost~

Supposedly, gas stations are very easy to get jobs at~ I have not had that same experience, but it's definitely something to try~ Working at a warehouse should be kept as an emergency option because it will damage you for the rest of your life, and they will lay you off without caring whatsoever~ Part of the my job at the library is with a job center, and the only people I know for sure were hired that went to me for help were going for security positions with Allied Universal Security, but both already had years of experience~

I'm not sure if any of this helped, but I hope it did~ >~<

 

[CowardlyLies]

Omg thanks @EternalShore you're way too nice! I already scheduled an appointment with my PCP too.

 

[EternalShore]

Omg thanks @EternalShore you're way too nice! I already scheduled an appointment with my PCP too.

yay~ ^_^ great to hear! :D I really hope this world can become nicer for you! :)