Hey
I haven't been on the forum for very long but in the time i have been on it, things seem to have only gotten worse. That's why i'm grateful i found it.
I'm going today, it's not going to be painless, or peaceful. But i am going.
every other time i've attempted i've been scared, but i'm not right now. i'm completely ready to make this decision and i might not be fully aware of what comes after (if anything) but whatever it is.. i'm fine with it.
i've tried a lot. But i'm 100% hopeful that there should be no way to come back from this. i'm home alone and i will be until tomorrow night. If it's going to kill me, i should be fine by then.
i've tried a lot to get better too, it worked. i was okay again a few months ago. i genuinely saw that there might be an out to all of this, that i could live to tell the tale and tell everybody that it was worth it. But in light of recent events, i'm starting to realise that there will always be something else to steal away what little hope i was collecting in my back pocket.
"it's never rock bottom"
i say that all the time. maybe i was cursing myself by saying that so much or maybe it was always meant to get this bad.
But either way i'm right. it's never rock bottom.
so knowing that it's never rock bottom, i'm going to take this into my own hands. this is on my terms for the first time ever.
for the first time ever, i'm not thinking about anything else while i make this decision.
usually i'm thinking about what this will do to a certain someone, or if i might break the things i leave behind. But i'm not thinking about that right now. if things break now that i'm gone, i hope that finally helps them realise that they shouldn't have taken me for granted while i was here. Hopefully, they won't ever take anybody for granted again. If that comes out of me being gone then i did something right.
of course i had people who loved me, and people that do love me. and i'm just sorry to them that that was never going to be enough.
living for them was never going to fix this. i had to choose to live for me. and that's not something that i'm going to do.
im sure you're curious how i'm going out.
so i'll let you in on the secret.
i started liquid fasting this morning.
i have a slide of 16 10mg propanolols that i am going to take once i've finished my last actions and goodbyes.
i am then going to take an ondansetron antiemetic to combat any nausea that the opioids that follow will cause.
after that i am going to take a slide of 20 tramadol tablets. and then continue to drink some water until my stomach feels settled.
then lastly i am going to apply all 4 fentanyl patches to the top of my shoulders and i am then going to apply a hot water bottle to speed up the process of absorption.
im then going to try and fall asleep. Hopefully, i won't wake up, but if i do, i'll simply wait it out until i go.
My guess is i'm going to go via respiratory depression. And my guess is (knowing my luck) that this is not going to be painless and this isn't going to be a fun way out)
But things are the way they are and so that's okay with me.
if somehow i manage to survive this, and jesus christ i must be super human if i do, i have SN arriving next week and so i'll just try again that way.
either way. i'm not staying.
thankyou to anyone who read this far and heard me out for a last time.
i'm not sad, i'm not scared and that's how i know nothing is going to stop me.
i'm ready.
if anyone i know ends up reading this, i'm really sorry. there's a note in my notes app for you, and there's some things i wrote on my ipad for you to read when you're ready. just know, that i did really try. i didn't do this lightly. and nobody could've stopped me. i love you
goodbye guys. i'd say it was nice meeting you but i don't think any of us are having a nice time at the moment :/
see you round - nat <3
I haven't been on the forum for very long but in the time i have been on it, things seem to have only gotten worse. That's why i'm grateful i found it.
I'm going today, it's not going to be painless, or peaceful. But i am going.
every other time i've attempted i've been scared, but i'm not right now. i'm completely ready to make this decision and i might not be fully aware of what comes after (if anything) but whatever it is.. i'm fine with it.
i've tried a lot. But i'm 100% hopeful that there should be no way to come back from this. i'm home alone and i will be until tomorrow night. If it's going to kill me, i should be fine by then.
i've tried a lot to get better too, it worked. i was okay again a few months ago. i genuinely saw that there might be an out to all of this, that i could live to tell the tale and tell everybody that it was worth it. But in light of recent events, i'm starting to realise that there will always be something else to steal away what little hope i was collecting in my back pocket.
"it's never rock bottom"
i say that all the time. maybe i was cursing myself by saying that so much or maybe it was always meant to get this bad.
But either way i'm right. it's never rock bottom.
so knowing that it's never rock bottom, i'm going to take this into my own hands. this is on my terms for the first time ever.
for the first time ever, i'm not thinking about anything else while i make this decision.
usually i'm thinking about what this will do to a certain someone, or if i might break the things i leave behind. But i'm not thinking about that right now. if things break now that i'm gone, i hope that finally helps them realise that they shouldn't have taken me for granted while i was here. Hopefully, they won't ever take anybody for granted again. If that comes out of me being gone then i did something right.
of course i had people who loved me, and people that do love me. and i'm just sorry to them that that was never going to be enough.
living for them was never going to fix this. i had to choose to live for me. and that's not something that i'm going to do.
im sure you're curious how i'm going out.
so i'll let you in on the secret.
i started liquid fasting this morning.
i have a slide of 16 10mg propanolols that i am going to take once i've finished my last actions and goodbyes.
i am then going to take an ondansetron antiemetic to combat any nausea that the opioids that follow will cause.
after that i am going to take a slide of 20 tramadol tablets. and then continue to drink some water until my stomach feels settled.
then lastly i am going to apply all 4 fentanyl patches to the top of my shoulders and i am then going to apply a hot water bottle to speed up the process of absorption.
im then going to try and fall asleep. Hopefully, i won't wake up, but if i do, i'll simply wait it out until i go.
My guess is i'm going to go via respiratory depression. And my guess is (knowing my luck) that this is not going to be painless and this isn't going to be a fun way out)
But things are the way they are and so that's okay with me.
if somehow i manage to survive this, and jesus christ i must be super human if i do, i have SN arriving next week and so i'll just try again that way.
either way. i'm not staying.
thankyou to anyone who read this far and heard me out for a last time.
i'm not sad, i'm not scared and that's how i know nothing is going to stop me.
i'm ready.
if anyone i know ends up reading this, i'm really sorry. there's a note in my notes app for you, and there's some things i wrote on my ipad for you to read when you're ready. just know, that i did really try. i didn't do this lightly. and nobody could've stopped me. i love you
goodbye guys. i'd say it was nice meeting you but i don't think any of us are having a nice time at the moment :/
see you round - nat <3
