Don’tDoxMe
VSED day: 2
- Oct 19, 2023
- 57
Edit: since this thread is basically serving as my suicide note: The sexual abuse very, very likely didn't happen. The way Sally had spoken with me just kind of encouraged and influenced me into thinking about dissociation and abuse and shit, and that's probably why the "memories" started up. She did things like ask why I never mentioned my stepfather when I talked about my family. But anyway, that's why I was so reluctant to report those people to the police or sue them. As shitty as they may have been, I knew deep in my heart that they didn't do those particular things and that it was wrong of me to punish them for it.
I posted here recently about how my life was starting to go so well. Yesterday, thanks to the team efforts of my father's apparent intellectual disability, my (now former) completely useless psychiatrist, and the betrayal of the one and only person I've ever truly loved and trusted since my mom first held that role when I was little, I have began the process of VSED. It also doesn't helps that it's been confirmed to me that I really am just seen as a mindless and insane monster.
I'm a little uncomfortable, but through the sheer force of my rage at my life and everyone in it, I have not been at all tempted to break my fast even though I'm literally surrounded by water bottles and energy drinks at my bedside.
Realistically, I know I probably won't succeed because my father will intervene and have me hospitalized by force. Even if that's the case, I'll at least be somewhat satisfied knowing that I made a statement showing that I do not respect and love him, or anyone else in my life, and that most importantly, my body can be controlled by other people against my will, but my mind cannot. Not to mention that all the years of extremely hard work I have put into recovering have counted for absolutely nothing.
I would honestly make my attempt as violent and traumatizing as possible for other people if the pain from those methods were something I thought I could be ok with. There's one public place in particular I would absolutely love to self-immolate at. All my previous attempts have failed because my biggest priority was leaving my body as peaceful as possible for the people who found me. I feel much more prepared for the slow burn of VSED in my current headspace.
My entire life has been lived under the control of coercive force.
There's a state hospital being built in the big city nearest to me, and I'm absolutely terrified of being admitted there one day, because you can't just get in and get out in a week like I've been able to for the other 25 times I've been on a psych unit. If it looks like that might be the case, I'll be checking out in whatever way is possible regardless of pain. But for now, I'll be around until I'm forcibly hospitalized or I can no longer use my phone, whatever comes first.
My one and only regret is that I might not get to see how Hazbin Hotel ends.
I posted here recently about how my life was starting to go so well. Yesterday, thanks to the team efforts of my father's apparent intellectual disability, my (now former) completely useless psychiatrist, and the betrayal of the one and only person I've ever truly loved and trusted since my mom first held that role when I was little, I have began the process of VSED. It also doesn't helps that it's been confirmed to me that I really am just seen as a mindless and insane monster.
I'm a little uncomfortable, but through the sheer force of my rage at my life and everyone in it, I have not been at all tempted to break my fast even though I'm literally surrounded by water bottles and energy drinks at my bedside.
Realistically, I know I probably won't succeed because my father will intervene and have me hospitalized by force. Even if that's the case, I'll at least be somewhat satisfied knowing that I made a statement showing that I do not respect and love him, or anyone else in my life, and that most importantly, my body can be controlled by other people against my will, but my mind cannot. Not to mention that all the years of extremely hard work I have put into recovering have counted for absolutely nothing.
I would honestly make my attempt as violent and traumatizing as possible for other people if the pain from those methods were something I thought I could be ok with. There's one public place in particular I would absolutely love to self-immolate at. All my previous attempts have failed because my biggest priority was leaving my body as peaceful as possible for the people who found me. I feel much more prepared for the slow burn of VSED in my current headspace.
My entire life has been lived under the control of coercive force.
There's a state hospital being built in the big city nearest to me, and I'm absolutely terrified of being admitted there one day, because you can't just get in and get out in a week like I've been able to for the other 25 times I've been on a psych unit. If it looks like that might be the case, I'll be checking out in whatever way is possible regardless of pain. But for now, I'll be around until I'm forcibly hospitalized or I can no longer use my phone, whatever comes first.
My one and only regret is that I might not get to see how Hazbin Hotel ends.
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I wish you well good day!
