I’m giving up on life

[chickngrl]

I'm going to attempt suicide tomorrow night. Late hours of tuesday night/early hours of wednesday morning. I'm going to try via overdose which I know is very risky and has a high failure rate but I have so many medications and tablets, including shit tons of beta blockers, that I am hopeful it will work.
I don't know why I'm writing this, I just want to vent to someone but not anyone who may stop me. A summary; I had anorexia for years and in august ended up at my worst point physically and very almost died due to this. I've had previous long admissions to hospitals and they tried to readmitted me for this time but I was able to wriggle out of it. It's a long story. I decided that I would give life one last shot, weight restore and see how it is. I hate myself more than I ever have before. I am about 20kg heavier and am now a "healthy" weight but this is unbearable. Everyone in my life thinks I'm fine, mostly because I look normal now. As soon as you weight restore everyone thinks you're cured. When I was skeletal I hated my friends and family walking on eggshells around me and always asking if I was okay, I wanted to be left alone to starve in peace. But now I need support more than ever because I am no longer emotionally numb but no one seems to care anymore. I get the general "how are you!" from conversation but no one actually cares to ask me how I'm really feeling, like when I was emaciated. Maybe I'm just an attention seeker but how depressed I am, alongside bottling it all up, alongside awful body image is too much. I can't do this anymore. Part of me thinks "why don't I just lose all the weight again?" but I want a quick fix, call me a pussy, but losing half your body weight takes a good while and I can't do this anymore. I just want to be gone.

 

[CTB Dream]

Peace hope not pain anytime talk want can forum

 

[akirat9]

i wouldn't say i given up, ive fought and fought the pain and battle for years im tired worn out and ready to get eternal relief rest oK ? all my records show that, so cannot say i just gave up, i fought before this point, even though no one cares

 

[Someone123]

Maybe I'm just an attention seeker

You're not just an attention seeker, you need real caring every day or else you will be very lonely, real carng attention is maybe the most basic human need- you need caring attention to feel better. They helped to encourage youy to get to a healthy weight but t hey need to keep caring so you feel cared about as a while person. I hope you can get through to them that you need real caring to continue. :)

 

[chickngrl]

To anyone else my life probably seems perfect. I recently graduated from university and am now working in a job I love. I have supportive friends and family. I've "recovered" from anorexia. It seems great from the outside. But in reality I'm so tired, I've never hated myself more and I can't continue like this.

I finish work at 10pm. I'm going to go home and pack a bag of drinks and all the pills I can find. Leave the house around midnight, go to the local beach and take them all. If this doesn't work then I have very easy access to guns; including shot guns. Although more successful I want to ideally try a less gruesome approach. I am hoping that because my body is so fucked up and damaged from anorexia anyway that the vast amount of medications, including beta blockers and benzodiazepines that I have, could very well do the job. But we will see

 

[FuneralCry]

It must be really hard to deal with what you are going through, your feelings of wanting to escape are understandable. I know that this life really can be so tiring when you suffer so much.
I wish you freedom.