manicstreetbeeper
filthy putrid world
- Feb 14, 2025
- 86
i've been thinking about this for some time now; i am 23 and have been suicidal since i was 13, 3 suicide attempts in my life (two ODs , one drowning) and a self harm incident that landed an ER visit a week ago.
i've never been a huge drinker before but i've been drinking liquor every night and smoking a lot. i put my cigarettes out on myself sometimes and cut myself a lot, because it either distracts me for long enough to calm down or just gives me a headrush. i have a lot going on in my environment and in my head that, even if it won't be permanent years down the line, is too much to cope with.
for maybe 1-2 weeks now i've been set on hanging myself as my method of choice, because after gunshot it is mostly reliable. i don't have access to a firearm and the process of attaining SN is both too expensive and very complicated for me. when i think about killing myself i feel at peace and safe, it's pronounced when i'm under the influence. i don't know if i believe in life after dying but a part of me really feels like i'll find some serenity and love wherever i end up.
i'll clean up my room/area so nobody has to, and then early in the morning i'll take a Lyft to a local park and do it there. i've been thinking about this exact plan since last summer but didn't, i held out for a year and things have gotten worse.
i have so much trauma, it makes my emotions very out of whack and i've lost everyone, either out of pushing them away or because they have things going on in their life that they are trying to cope with and are distant.
i am a little nervous as is normal before someone knows they're going to die, but i'm going to message my best friend (who i think i've also lost, because of our mutual mental health issues separating us), not to tell her i'm going to die, just to tell her i love her. she is one of the most beautiful and unique girls i've ever known and i don't want her to know what's going to happen, she doesn't live in the same country so likely she won't.
i'm nervous, but i know we all here are. i might take something to calm down just a little bit before i do it. i'm tired of wanting to throw up when i eat, obsessing over my body, feeling and being very alone, and being almost (not 100 percent, but verging on it) impoverished.
my quiet time is drinking alone at midnight on my balcony, thinking about what i'm going to do but feeling at peace. i know that once i drop, that's just it and there's pretty much no going back, but it brings me peace. maybe shooting myself would've been quicker and less nerve-wracking overall, but that just won't happen and it's still going to be ok in the end. i'm going to try my best to do it where someone won't find me at least for a little while.
i am at a very low point and i've made up my mind. i like this website and other places that have provided comfort. it is of course no one's fault at all (suicide often isn't), this is because i need this all to end, and it's cathartic bringing the chaos of my life to an end. i'm a little surprised that i'm doing it after thinking about it for half of my life but i have known for some years now that it was going to end this way, i can't live out my life anymore and especially not like this, with everything i've seen and what it's done to me.
i'll be talking to some online people for the next two days before it's all done, but it will be done, and it's going to be ok.
i've never been a huge drinker before but i've been drinking liquor every night and smoking a lot. i put my cigarettes out on myself sometimes and cut myself a lot, because it either distracts me for long enough to calm down or just gives me a headrush. i have a lot going on in my environment and in my head that, even if it won't be permanent years down the line, is too much to cope with.
for maybe 1-2 weeks now i've been set on hanging myself as my method of choice, because after gunshot it is mostly reliable. i don't have access to a firearm and the process of attaining SN is both too expensive and very complicated for me. when i think about killing myself i feel at peace and safe, it's pronounced when i'm under the influence. i don't know if i believe in life after dying but a part of me really feels like i'll find some serenity and love wherever i end up.
i'll clean up my room/area so nobody has to, and then early in the morning i'll take a Lyft to a local park and do it there. i've been thinking about this exact plan since last summer but didn't, i held out for a year and things have gotten worse.
i have so much trauma, it makes my emotions very out of whack and i've lost everyone, either out of pushing them away or because they have things going on in their life that they are trying to cope with and are distant.
i am a little nervous as is normal before someone knows they're going to die, but i'm going to message my best friend (who i think i've also lost, because of our mutual mental health issues separating us), not to tell her i'm going to die, just to tell her i love her. she is one of the most beautiful and unique girls i've ever known and i don't want her to know what's going to happen, she doesn't live in the same country so likely she won't.
i'm nervous, but i know we all here are. i might take something to calm down just a little bit before i do it. i'm tired of wanting to throw up when i eat, obsessing over my body, feeling and being very alone, and being almost (not 100 percent, but verging on it) impoverished.
my quiet time is drinking alone at midnight on my balcony, thinking about what i'm going to do but feeling at peace. i know that once i drop, that's just it and there's pretty much no going back, but it brings me peace. maybe shooting myself would've been quicker and less nerve-wracking overall, but that just won't happen and it's still going to be ok in the end. i'm going to try my best to do it where someone won't find me at least for a little while.
i am at a very low point and i've made up my mind. i like this website and other places that have provided comfort. it is of course no one's fault at all (suicide often isn't), this is because i need this all to end, and it's cathartic bringing the chaos of my life to an end. i'm a little surprised that i'm doing it after thinking about it for half of my life but i have known for some years now that it was going to end this way, i can't live out my life anymore and especially not like this, with everything i've seen and what it's done to me.
i'll be talking to some online people for the next two days before it's all done, but it will be done, and it's going to be ok.
My concern is, maybe the park is too risky? And I also think it's potentially traumatizing for those people who find you there 
