Venting I'm garbage

[Angst Filled Fuck Up]

I don't know if others will be able to relate to this, but one of the worst feelings has to be when you realize other people think you're even more worthless than you feel yourself.

Growing up, my life seemed like it had some promise. I went to a good school, there was a plan and a method behind things. It was sort of assumed I'd go on to do important stuff. I grew up in a fairly decent household, my parents tried their best, they really did attempt to instill confidence and positivity in me. But as I got thrown more and more curveballs in life, the path forward became obscured and got further and further away from me.

It feels like I've been dealing with an adult life with nothing but adversity. If there's a 50/50 chance of something, I'll get the 50 I don't want. This bad luck culminated in acquiring a mystery illness that has kept me close to bedbound for the past nine years. Things have been getting so bad that I've been philosophizing to myself whether the entire point of life is in fact to bring you to your knees. It appears to me that there is only struggle and misfortune. Everything that is "good" or "fun" either bores me or is out of reach for me due to my condition. I have no interest in anything and I can't approach anything from a place of joy, which makes me undesirable to be around. Nor does it give me anything to live or strive for.

In any case, there's a part of my brain that still thinks I have some innate value or that others actually see past my ostensibly fucked life, but then I realize - they don't. They think I'm even more useless than I feel about myself. Whatever confidence I had as a teenager, whatever my loved ones did to pep me up and set me on the right path, it was all for nothing. I'm deflated and humbled to the point where I admit defeat and realze I truly am worthless. And people's treatment of me is how it's becoming reinforced in my mind. I want to hate people for what they've done to me, but I'm not a hateful person at my core.

I feel really low and it's clear that I am just a nuisance and a waste of space. I say that without emo-ness, it's just the way it is, and the sooner I fully absorb and accept that, the better. Thanks for reading my rant.

 

[epic]

I too might be bed bound in days to come due to my illness progressing.

They think I'm even more useless than I feel about myself.

Why do they feel that way ?

 

[WorthlessTrash]

Same. I am not someone actively seeks out to talk to. I could just not message anyone for weeks and no one would reach out.

 

[ever so lonely]

but your NOT worthless angst, your intelligent, articulate, friendly and jovial, funny, always making plenty of us laugh, and the icing on the cake ?, you love ducks lol , i can relate mate, where i live i am often overlooked or purely ignored, people often say why dont you speak much and i reply when i do i am just invalidated so i keep my mouth shut, lol, there is no worse feeling in the world than feeling worthless bro, but your far from that, you have plenty going for you mate, didnt you say you even had a love interest recently ?, you gots plenty to offer my bro, i know it sounds cliche but please dont let others define your self worth, i believe that comes from within, have you thought maybe you feel the way you do because maybe people are envious and jealous of you ?, i mean it is possible, they say the green eyed monster brings the worst out in people, i can relate to you on the health front, i have had numerous issues myself, and starting to get shit mobility, but this post isnt about me it is about you my man, i think your worth wayyyyy more than you give yourself credit for, depression has a way of convincing us of lies, a thought becomes our reality once it is ingrained, mental illnesses trick us, in to believing we suck, but i think you have so much going for you, your funny too, maybe mate take each day at a time and maybe try to achieve baby steps, what if anything do you want out of life ?, is there any purpose or goal or anything, if a new lady was in tow would that help motivate you ?, i know what it is to lack motivation too buds, and feel like utter crap, but like i say whether you believe it or not you DO have much to offer my mate, you have had many partners didnt you say if memory serves me correct ? so that tells me they see something in you, and like you, even if you yourself dont like yourself at the current moment, i wish you well angst, peace and blessings to you

 

[Angst Filled Fuck Up]

I too might be bed bound in days to come due to my illness progressing.

Why do they feel that way ?

I think it's some combo vibe I put out of being sick + depressed. It's like you're only able to project bad things and so that's all you get in return. It sort of makes sense if I type it out like this, but it is a shame. I wish we were wired to feel the need to genuinely help others instead of being fair game for poor treatment, ostracization, etc. And it sucks that we can't see past a person's hurt. Instead, we instinctively feel that they're bad for us to be around and avoid them like the plague.

The human condition is an ugly thing. And we're not even all that far removed from being straight up animals, what with the whole hang-the-weak-pack-member-out-to-dry thing.

Really sorry to hear you're doing so badly too.

Same. I am not someone actively seeks out to talk to. I could just not message anyone for weeks and no one would reach out.

I know that feeling completely. Wish you had better people in your own life. People you could really count on for support.

but your NOT worthless angst, your intelligent, articulate, friendly and jovial, funny, always making plenty of us laugh, and the icing on the cake ?, you love ducks lol , i can relate mate, where i live i am often overlooked or purely ignored, people often say why dont you speak much and i reply when i do i am just invalidated so i keep my mouth shut, lol, there is no worse feeling in the world than feeling worthless bro, but your far from that, you have plenty going for you mate, didnt you say you even had a love interest recently ?, you gots plenty to offer my bro, i know it sounds cliche but please dont let others define your self worth, i believe that comes from within, have you thought maybe you feel the way you do because maybe people are envious and jealous of you ?, i mean it is possible, they say the green eyed monster brings the worst out in people, i can relate to you on the health front, i have had numerous issues myself, and starting to get shit mobility, but this post isnt about me it is about you my man, i think your worth wayyyyy more than you give yourself credit for, depression has a way of convincing us of lies, a thought becomes our reality once it is ingrained, mental illnesses trick us, in to believing we suck, but i think you have so much going for you, your funny too, maybe mate take each day at a time and maybe try to achieve baby steps, what if anything do you want out of life ?, is there any purpose or goal or anything, if a new lady was in tow would that help motivate you ?, i know what it is to lack motivation too buds, and feel like utter crap, but like i say whether you believe it or not you DO have much to offer my mate, you have had many partners didnt you say if memory serves me correct ? so that tells me they see something in you, and like you, even if you yourself dont like yourself at the current moment, i wish you well angst, peace and blessings to you

Really appreciate you saying that, it's more than I deserve. You're a good bloke and I think we'd be good mates if I still lived back in England. You know I avoid the social media shit and only want realness in my life. You're a lot like that too. Sorry I have no more energy to reply properly. I really do feel like crap today.

 

[ever so lonely]

it hurts to hear you talk this way mate , and true with the realism, that is why i reach out to you on here, because i see a similar mindset to you there, i hope your feeling better soonies my guy, i get how depression can sap your energy matey , and wow i didnt know you lived in england lol, that is pretty cool, if you were still here i could have taken you for a cheeky pint lol, hope your feeling better soonies pal, your a nice person and if you ever need a chat i am here for sure, take care my friend, i know the feels you describe bud, some days i dont even want to brush teeth, take care man and wishing you well soonies

 

[kitch]

All I've got is a patronising suggestion to look into Wim Hoff , the ice man dude.

I was talking to a dude the other day who has a debilitating "mystery illness" ( doctors have no idea) ... I recomended him to look into it as well . I felt like a dick then too ...

For the record , I don't do it ... but it seems to make some kind of crazy sense.

Sorry I'm being "one of those people" ...

 

[epic]

I think it's some combo vibe I put out of being sick + depressed. It's like you're only able to project bad things and so that's all you get in return. It sort of makes sense if I type it out like this, but it is a shame. I wish we were wired to feel the need to genuinely help others instead of being fair game for poor treatment, ostracization, etc. And it sucks that we can't see past a person's hurt. Instead, we instinctively feel that they're bad for us to be around and avoid them like the plague.

The human condition is an ugly thing. And we're not even all that far removed from being straight up animals, what with the whole hang-the-weak-pack-member-out-to-dry thing.

Really sorry to hear you're doing so badly too.



I know that feeling completely. Wish you had better people in your own life. People you could really count on for support.




Really appreciate you saying that, it's more than I deserve. You're a good bloke and I think we'd be good mates if I still lived back in England. You know I avoid the social media shit and only want realness in my life. You're a lot like that too. Sorry I have no more energy to reply properly. I really do feel like crap today.

Even if someone is completely healthy but still a NEET , they are still not worthless . Every human being has intrinsic value and deserves to be treated with dignity.
In your case it's even one step ahead, You are bed ridden there's nothing you can do about it .

You have the difficult task of dealing with their indifference but keep this in mind that they are the ones who are sick in their heads. Like you said their behavior is not far off from wild animals .

 

[Source Energy]

NO you are NOT garbage. You are a human being with a kind, sensitive soul, otherwise you would not be here. Please stop putting yourself down like that. You are worthy and unique - each of us are. Sending you healing vibes.

If you like reading, may I suggest The Power of the Subconscious Mind by Joseph Murphy. I think it would help you get rid of this kind of thinking...

 

[Disappointered]

I feel like I could have written this exact same post and it hurts just to read it. It really is a unique milestone in a loser's life and I am so sorry that someone else had to go through that. Only the very dispossessed who haven't killed themselves even though it's been a relevant consideration for many years will ever have to, possibly, experience this...and it's so painful. I am so sorry for your pain OP. I am so sorry for anyone else who reads OP's post and relates. Anyone who relates to this deserves a peaceful exit at a minimum. It's so cruel to keep those who have become social refuse alive in the first place but how many among the healthy happy have considered that the longer the charade goes on the creepier and more hurtful that moment of crystallization will be when all is laid bare. Some people feel like it's wrong to promote a death-positive and pro-suicide culture, perhaps because their reasons for being suicidal would never bring them to this unexpected destination. They have no idea.