I'm really sorry life has caused you to feel this way.
Before you commit to your plan, I recommend you try and contact a suicide hotline (
Crisis hotline - Wikipedia). Studies have shown that contacting those hotlines can significantly decrease your suicidal thoughts and help you feel better for
weeks, the results effective immediately. You could also try talking to a doctor, or some trusted friends or family members. Maybe tell the nurses from the community team that you're planning to CTB in a few days? I think that way, they would be more likely to take action to help you. You're always welcome to talk to me too, if you would like. If you're religious, praying to God could also help you a lot. God is more than happy to listen to you, and he
will answer your prayers, if not always immediately.
I just want to say that I completely understand how you feel. I've felt like that a lot, too.
There are a couple of things you can do to help you cope with all the pain and distract you from life. I suggest taking a nap, or maybe reading a book or watching a movie, preferably comedy. Maybe try playing some video games, or talking to some friends. Eating your favorite foods or doing a hobby might work, too. Sometimes, doing arts and crafts can be relaxing. Listening to some songs could help, too. Here are some of my personal favorite songs:
Truth Be Told by Mathew West
Hear Me by Imagine Dragons
Haven't Seen It Yet by Danny Gokey
Wanted by Danny Gokey
Not Right Now by Jason Gray
Remind Me You're Here by Jason Gray
Sparrows by Jason Gray
Look How Far We've Come by Imagine Dragons
Birds by Imagine Dragons
Mended by Mathew West
Strong Enough by Mathew West
The God Who Stays by Mathew West
You Are Loved by Stars Go Dim
Worn by Tenth Avenue North
If you want more songs, just let me know!
I also wanted to remind you that depression warps your view of yourself and the world. It makes you think that the future is hopeless (which it isn't) and that you're a horrible person (which you aren't). Not only that, it also makes you think that your view is accurate (which it isn't). I want you to know that there
is hope in the future, and that things
will get better if you decide to hold on for a bit longer. Many suicide attempt survivors have said that they are glad they did not succeed, me included. Who knows? Perhaps one day, you could become a famous and rich celebrity. Perhaps one day, you could save someone's life.
If you
do decide to go through with your plans, I suggest doing thorough research. Many methods can have horrible consequences if you fail (brain damage, permanent organ failure, paralysis, etc.), so you want to find a method that has the least possible chance of having one of those consequences. Just a warning: suicide isn't as easy as books and movies pretend it is (as I have learned myself), so like I said, make sure to do your research. Above all else, make sure you find a method that suits
you.
If you decide to CTB, I wish you a quick and peaceful departure, but if you decide to stay and continue fighting, then I wish you a quick and speedy recovery.