I circle between anarchist hedonist, sith power fantasy, and philosophical pessimist. The last one is the most honest and sincere one but it's also the one that's the hardest to live with. I see through the bullshit that is life, pain outweighs pleasure, maintaining myself is pain, it's not worth it. I manage to keep myself distracted mostly with Star Wars the Old Republic. I'm suffering from grief and I don't know if I'll ever have a relationship again, I probably shouldn't but idk if my addict brain will let me. The world is shit.
I've gotten back into meditation and going to my dharma recovery meetings, or I will.
Honestly there's something I need to confess and it's something I haven't told anyone in years. Something I'm deeply ashamed of and it's something that through thinking about it has driven me to wanting to exit before I do something bad. Even now I can't say exactly what it is, but it's bad. No one can say that I haven't tried to put a stop to this. I feel sick. I need to maintain myself in this phase where I can deeply confront myself and where I'm not doing stupid escapist bullshit all the time.
I've gotten back into meditation and going to my dharma recovery meetings, or I will.
Honestly there's something I need to confess and it's something I haven't told anyone in years. Something I'm deeply ashamed of and it's something that through thinking about it has driven me to wanting to exit before I do something bad. Even now I can't say exactly what it is, but it's bad. No one can say that I haven't tried to put a stop to this. I feel sick. I need to maintain myself in this phase where I can deeply confront myself and where I'm not doing stupid escapist bullshit all the time.
