I’m feeling better, and I hate that

[ghu_123]

What prompt me to start posting here was a crisis that happened in my work place. I work an insurance job that sucks my soul and I hate myself for it. I keep making mistakes because I have adhd and that always puts me in position that I don't know how to handle.

While the crisis is not necessarily resolved, the worst of it had passed, and I'm starting to feel more relieved about the whole the thing. But I noticed that I'm still implicitly pissed, angry and frustrated and I couldn't figure out why.

The reason was simple. What drove me to feel angry when the crisis had happened is still not resolved, i wasn't angry because of the crisis per say, the crisis was but a trigger to deeper kind of anger and that is the fact I'm living a bullshit meaningless life that I can't seem to change.

What is making me more angry is the fact I'm accepting the meaningless existence and I'm adapting to it. To summarize my existence, it's a continuous cycle between some kind of crisis and a meaningless break. I have few things to be excited about like powerlifting and guitar playing. But the dread of my existential crisis leaves me completely drained. Sometimes I wish that I didn't discover those things so it becomes easier for me to be alone with my existential angst without any distraction. That way I could make the final step towards freedom.

 

[iloverachel]

I can totally relate
Sometimes I feel I dont want to feel better because life would still be meaningless and boring
Sometimes I just want to get worse to the point I want out this life

 

[Anónimo]

This is true as hell. The worse you feel, the "easier" it is to go with a method. Being ok (but not completely) feels like a limbo because life is boring but you also don't want to ctb.

 

[Gorgone]

Idk if it makes you feel better, but there's always the potential of feeling worse again later. Like for me it's waves. I always would rather be dead than alive, but sometimes it's more in the back of my head and I exist and enjoy things despite it and other times it consumes my thoughts.

I hope things go the way you want them to.

 

[february in alaska]

This hits home. Floating between "happy" and "rock bottom" without ever really reaching either is a different kind of hell altogether. It's the reason I've been sabotaging my own life, to try and kill off those last pieces of hope or desire for recovery, just to make it easier to leave. Then again, I think there's something to be said for people who decide to try and improve anyway... no matter what you end up deciding, I hope those few things that still make you excited make life a little more bearable in the meantime. And I'm sorry you're having to deal with this

 

[AlternativeBagel]

This hits home. Floating between "happy" and "rock bottom" without ever really reaching either is a different kind of hell altogether. It's the reason I've been sabotaging my own life, to try and kill off those last pieces of hope or desire for recovery, just to make it easier to leave. Then again, I think there's something to be said for people who decide to try and improve anyway... no matter what you end up deciding, I hope those few things that still make you excited make life a little more bearable in the meantime. And I'm sorry you're having to deal with this

Hey I'm here right now lol. Constantly flipping between fine and rock bottom. It really is a different hell in itself.