I’m fat again so I wanna die. wya ED-havers?

[starsfirstlight]

If you look at my post history, it's been like 7 months since I've been active. That's because I recovered, mostly! The Effexor kicked in and, almost as soon as it did, I left my boyfriend at the time. Both of these things REALLY helped my mental health. Who'd have thought some good ADs+freedom from a suffocating relationship could be such a big game changer?

Right after that, I got into a relationship with a man who was 10 years older than me and almost killed me a few times. Hey, I said I wasn't depressed, but I still needed a rebound, apparently. Anyways.

Now, I've been dating a new guy who is rather perfect for me. We're both autistic (his is canon, mine is heavily suspected/assumed by everyone in my life). He makes me a better person, and even got me to quit my nicotine addiction. He understands me and my interests without judgement but also calls me on my bullshit.

Since my last posts, I also went on my abroad program... and then had to leave it early because one of my parents almost died. That's kind of totally disrupted my life and the way I act and perceive things. But since they lived and are recovering I feel like I'm not really allowed to be too hung up on it? I dunno.

Anyway, when I was abroad, I gained like 15lbs (Italy... pasta... it's unbelievable there) and wouldn't you know, coming back home and feeling like a sausage stuffed into my clothes is taking a toll on me. When I first came back, the first two months were very much focused on staying w my parent in the hospital/caring for them at home. But now that I can be more occupied with other things, I'm definitely relapsing.

It's already taking a toll on my intimate life. I cry when I look in the mirror and see my body and I wish I could go back to my old self. But I'm 30lbs up from my lw and 20 from the weight I maintained most of the year and none of my clothes fit right and my family pays attention to what and when I eat now so I can't lose it like I did the first time. I'm even back on edtwt again which is always the hallmark of my relapses.

I just can't wait for the semester to begin in a few weeks so that no one can keep track of my habits anymore and so I'm busy and never home and never have to be around food, let alone even have time to think about it.

I've started abusing laxatives again. Which is ridiculously stupid because it just messes up your insides, makes you bloated, and doesn't really affect CICO (unless you damage your organs so badly that you can't absorb nutrients properly, which... tbh I wouldn't mind.)

I've been disordered since I was 14 but my most major drop was when I lost 60lbs around 2 years ago. My cw is the heaviest I've been since and, if anyone's ever gone through this, you know how absurd self-imposed expectations can get.

It's making me immensely frustrated and depressed that it's practically physiologically impossible for me to lose 20lbs in the next 6 weeks. My mother has started commenting on my body again, which she hadn't done in years since I got skinny. I cried about how I hate my body to my bf and that's why we haven't had sex in weeks and he was so understanding and I feel pathetic and overly vulnerable now. I fast all day but then starvation insomnia hits, and I stay up until my adhd meds wear off and suddenly I'm binging my brains out.

I feel uglier than I have in years and I feel like everyone's judging me and noticing how much I've gained weight and they're probably telling themselves that they called it, I'd never be able to keep that weight off. And the worst part is, they're right. When I first lost weight, I found it crazy and enlightening, how differently you're treated socially when you're skinny compared to when you're fat. Now that I've gone the opposite way, becoming invisible again is driving me crazy.

I'm fairly tall and had gotten pretty slim before, so even with the weight I gained, I can still wear most of my clothes, though feeling the squeeze where they used to be loose or a perfect fit makes me want to die. I wore a pair of jeans a size too small to work for a week to motivate me to stop stuffing my face. But I've lost no weight. I hate yo yoing. I hate how this disorder makes me think, because it makes me wish everyone in my life was dead or gone or both so that I can starve myself to death in peace. I am so anxious to start my classes again because my program isn't that big, but I am, and everyone's going to see!

Sorry if this is incoherent but I feel like I'm going crazy. I also went off my ADs about a week ago, but my complaints about Effexor deserve their own thread. Relapsing with an ED is hard because you know it's bad for you and that leaning into it is only going to hurt you more and more in the long run. An ED will destroy your brain, your body, and your relationships. But it all feels worth it to have MY body back.

 

[jippiapple]

youve been through so much :(
honestly im in a similar situation, gained 30 lbs after losing 10... like ok what was the point of that. kms. i followed a strict routine of working out etc just to blow it like ok lol. having a hard time fitting into clothes as well.

i totally understand feeling uglier, but weight is kinda what makes people look youthful ? which is desirable i guess.

Binging is seriously the worsssstttt!!!! i managed to stop binging but ofc i gained a bunch of weight in the process... eating whatever just made food less important. recov gonna look dif for everyone tho. i highly rec Rachael Wrigley I think is her name. on youtube. she has videos to help process binges and decrease them.
dont feel bad ab being sad ab it and all, being stuck in a restrict and binge cycle is absolute torture. its physically painful and u j feel like shit mentally too.
(also i used to be active on edtwt lol)
i think it will improve once ur busier and distracted for sure. for me ill read books to distract myself or force myself to sleep.
i hope things get better for you

 

[starsfirstlight]

glad to hear from someone who's been through something similar. My biggest issue when it comes to binging is impulse control (which is surely why my ADHD meds help, aside from the usual stimulant appetite suppressant effects).

I used to yo-yo with my weight a lot. I hit both my highest and lowest weights at the time in high school, and there was a 45lb difference between them. I didn't actually lose weight and keep it off until after I graduated, and my lowest weight was 25lbs less than anything I ever hit in high school. I attribute that largely to the fact that I was single, living away from my parents, and therefore had total control over the food in my house.

I maintained for a very long time because I was in a relationship and, surprise surprise, it upsets your partner when you starve yourself! And it was really hard to even fast when I would see him for dinner dates regularly. so I semi-recovered, but living on my own still let me control well enough to maintain, if I wasn't actively losing. When I hit my lw I was very sick and having medical issues. My partner even said he was worried I'd die lol. One can dream.

However, I'm with my parents again (as mentioned in my original post, a lot has happened) and they actually pay attention now, sort of,,, and my current bf is much less of a pushover about me not eating. With my first mentioned partner, he'd get upset if I'd hurt myself but also would never push me to change before I was ready. My current bf will get really upset and basically force me to eat (it's all in a loving/he cares sort of way but I still don't have an out).

This means that the weight I gained is staying ON. I like working out but I'm working full time rn and am too tired to hit the gym after... and my preferred exercise (skating) is less available over summers so I'm just waiting for the academic year to begin again. I'm a control freak but rn I just feel like a freak because nothing is under my control :')

 

[jippiapple]

yeah its so much easier when you live alone!!
i dont actually know how to talk to ppl w eds cause i dont want to like support it but at the same time I SOOO GET IT... and like how you feel and that you want to fast... have you seen a professional? i know theres mixed opinions ab them from edtwt
but the weight isnt actually ON for sure. because our bodies are always changing and weight fluctuates. dont worry ab it right now (way easier said than done ik ahhh) but i mean as long as you can still fit your clothes, focus on maintaining? small steps. sigh i know its hard. hey i also like skating, if its ice skating youre talking ab. i totally get it... i hate feeling like i cant control anything. i feel like im going crazy. i try to obsess over something other than my body/food to distract myself. making lists of stuff i like. try to find something to replace using lax!!! they so dont worrkkkk. everyone says this but how about going on walks? or keeping track of steps. to lose weight i would count every mile i walked to = one dollar. and then id spend it on like clothes or some sort of nice thing. it motivated me a lot.
lmk if you want me to reply to anything in particular, im jsut writing what comes to mind when i read

 

[ctb_warrior]

If you look at my post history, it's been like 7 months since I've been active. That's because I recovered, mostly! The Effexor kicked in and, almost as soon as it did, I left my boyfriend at the time. Both of these things REALLY helped my mental health. Who'd have thought some good ADs+freedom from a suffocating relationship could be such a big game changer?

Right after that, I got into a relationship with a man who was 10 years older than me and almost killed me a few times. Hey, I said I wasn't depressed, but I still needed a rebound, apparently. Anyways.

Now, I've been dating a new guy who is rather perfect for me. We're both autistic (his is canon, mine is heavily suspected/assumed by everyone in my life). He makes me a better person, and even got me to quit my nicotine addiction. He understands me and my interests without judgement but also calls me on my bullshit.

Since my last posts, I also went on my abroad program... and then had to leave it early because one of my parents almost died. That's kind of totally disrupted my life and the way I act and perceive things. But since they lived and are recovering I feel like I'm not really allowed to be too hung up on it? I dunno.

Anyway, when I was abroad, I gained like 15lbs (Italy... pasta... it's unbelievable there) and wouldn't you know, coming back home and feeling like a sausage stuffed into my clothes is taking a toll on me. When I first came back, the first two months were very much focused on staying w my parent in the hospital/caring for them at home. But now that I can be more occupied with other things, I'm definitely relapsing.

It's already taking a toll on my intimate life. I cry when I look in the mirror and see my body and I wish I could go back to my old self. But I'm 30lbs up from my lw and 20 from the weight I maintained most of the year and none of my clothes fit right and my family pays attention to what and when I eat now so I can't lose it like I did the first time. I'm even back on edtwt again which is always the hallmark of my relapses.

I just can't wait for the semester to begin in a few weeks so that no one can keep track of my habits anymore and so I'm busy and never home and never have to be around food, let alone even have time to think about it.

I've started abusing laxatives again. Which is ridiculously stupid because it just messes up your insides, makes you bloated, and doesn't really affect CICO (unless you damage your organs so badly that you can't absorb nutrients properly, which... tbh I wouldn't mind.)

I've been disordered since I was 14 but my most major drop was when I lost 60lbs around 2 years ago. My cw is the heaviest I've been since and, if anyone's ever gone through this, you know how absurd self-imposed expectations can get.

It's making me immensely frustrated and depressed that it's practically physiologically impossible for me to lose 20lbs in the next 6 weeks. My mother has started commenting on my body again, which she hadn't done in years since I got skinny. I cried about how I hate my body to my bf and that's why we haven't had sex in weeks and he was so understanding and I feel pathetic and overly vulnerable now. I fast all day but then starvation insomnia hits, and I stay up until my adhd meds wear off and suddenly I'm binging my brains out.

I feel uglier than I have in years and I feel like everyone's judging me and noticing how much I've gained weight and they're probably telling themselves that they called it, I'd never be able to keep that weight off. And the worst part is, they're right. When I first lost weight, I found it crazy and enlightening, how differently you're treated socially when you're skinny compared to when you're fat. Now that I've gone the opposite way, becoming invisible again is driving me crazy.

I'm fairly tall and had gotten pretty slim before, so even with the weight I gained, I can still wear most of my clothes, though feeling the squeeze where they used to be loose or a perfect fit makes me want to die. I wore a pair of jeans a size too small to work for a week to motivate me to stop stuffing my face. But I've lost no weight. I hate yo yoing. I hate how this disorder makes me think, because it makes me wish everyone in my life was dead or gone or both so that I can starve myself to death in peace. I am so anxious to start my classes again because my program isn't that big, but I am, and everyone's going to see!

Sorry if this is incoherent but I feel like I'm going crazy. I also went off my ADs about a week ago, but my complaints about Effexor deserve their own thread. Relapsing with an ED is hard because you know it's bad for you and that leaning into it is only going to hurt you more and more in the long run. An ED will destroy your brain, your body, and your relationships. But it all feels worth it to have MY body back.

This is so relatable. My MDD meds have made me gain weight too and there's nothing I can do about it. I had joined a gym and shed 5 kgs. The gym was too costly so I had stopped going there, I started going to the park for walk. But I got relocated recently, and my fitness regime stopped and I gained 8 kgs, that's 3 extra kgs than my previous weight.
I think depression also has a lot to play with our metabolism. When I was happy I was slimmer. When I started getting tensed, I started gaining weight.
There are so many people who eat so much and still don't gain any weight. My ex, she used to eat so much more than me.. Plus the chocolates and the snacks. And she never gained weight. She recently became mother to two kids. Still she is the same how and here i gain weight after eating anything