iCryInMySecretSpot
Member
- Apr 24, 2026
- 63
i deleted my account here a few days ago and made a post saying i am trying meds and loads of counselling and therapy. im still getting worse. i cant get past the sadness. my symptons are starting to really impact my life. the pain is non fucking stop. i want to go back to the me of 3 months ago.
i just wrote these symptons im experiencing and holy fuck im scared. what is happening to me. is death the only way out for me.
- unable to wash hands after using bathroom for over 2 weeks now. dont see purpose to, desire, or ability to even exert my hands. brain wont let me even tho ikr im supposed to.i just stare at the sink and feel intense shame leaving the bathroom. ive opted to having some hand sanitizer near my desk as a workaround.
- eating worsening (not eating for days at a time (record is 3 days), not even hungry) then going back to binging on chipotle or a pizza. grocery shopped to try and break this cycle, couldnt even put most food in the fridge and they wasted. i know, its awful. i hate myself for it.
- steps when walking sometimes feel extremely heavy. tried walking to the gym, feel like im being held down. intense desire to get back in bed. i went ONCE in the last month and it drained me the entire week. 3 months ago i was going 6 days a week.
- days where i am unable to leave my bed. record is 4 days after hospitalization.
- severe suicidal ideation. constant, daily. happens in public, on bus, at home, in library, when walking.
- anxiety worsened (at random times, getting scared of opening door, turning off light, peeing with doors closed)
- mood changing extremely quick. instant i get home, am alone, instant i get uber back home after a hangout, instant i am touched, i go from being good to contemplating staying alive.
- I'm not sure if these are panic attacks. Twice now ( just an hour ago) I got overwhelmed, went into bed, buried my head in a pillow, cried/screamed, hyperventilated, and breathed really fast. It felt like I couldn't control it. It lasted around 20 seconds. It scared me.
- Unable to control mood. severe crash, unable to masturbate, lift head from pillow, or do homework. headaches from crying a lot this night. i attempted to purge again.
- go to library, unable to do any work. doesnt always happen, but happens. all i do is stare at my desk and cant overcome my sadness. i have to try again another day.
- ability to have sex completely ruined. recalled an attempt i had at having sex with another man and i broke down in his bed. intense shame, anger, trauma contributing. have been abstained for a year now.
i just wrote these symptons im experiencing and holy fuck im scared. what is happening to me. is death the only way out for me.
- unable to wash hands after using bathroom for over 2 weeks now. dont see purpose to, desire, or ability to even exert my hands. brain wont let me even tho ikr im supposed to.i just stare at the sink and feel intense shame leaving the bathroom. ive opted to having some hand sanitizer near my desk as a workaround.
- eating worsening (not eating for days at a time (record is 3 days), not even hungry) then going back to binging on chipotle or a pizza. grocery shopped to try and break this cycle, couldnt even put most food in the fridge and they wasted. i know, its awful. i hate myself for it.
- steps when walking sometimes feel extremely heavy. tried walking to the gym, feel like im being held down. intense desire to get back in bed. i went ONCE in the last month and it drained me the entire week. 3 months ago i was going 6 days a week.
- days where i am unable to leave my bed. record is 4 days after hospitalization.
- severe suicidal ideation. constant, daily. happens in public, on bus, at home, in library, when walking.
- anxiety worsened (at random times, getting scared of opening door, turning off light, peeing with doors closed)
- mood changing extremely quick. instant i get home, am alone, instant i get uber back home after a hangout, instant i am touched, i go from being good to contemplating staying alive.
- I'm not sure if these are panic attacks. Twice now ( just an hour ago) I got overwhelmed, went into bed, buried my head in a pillow, cried/screamed, hyperventilated, and breathed really fast. It felt like I couldn't control it. It lasted around 20 seconds. It scared me.
- Unable to control mood. severe crash, unable to masturbate, lift head from pillow, or do homework. headaches from crying a lot this night. i attempted to purge again.
- go to library, unable to do any work. doesnt always happen, but happens. all i do is stare at my desk and cant overcome my sadness. i have to try again another day.
- ability to have sex completely ruined. recalled an attempt i had at having sex with another man and i broke down in his bed. intense shame, anger, trauma contributing. have been abstained for a year now.
