i’m dying right now . i’m actually dying. sn

[Meretlein]

I am so glad you are still with us.

 

[littlelungs]

Every goodbye post hits incredibly hard, but this one really got to me in particular. Elliott clearly suffered more than enough pain in their life as it is, and it breaks my heart to read that their last moments are/were also being spent in pain, even though death seems to be what they ultimately want/wanted for themselves (which they seemed to make very clear).

Elliot: If you're still with us, I can't emphasize enough that there is NO shame in calling for help if you have any regrets or doubts whatsoever. You will always be welcome here and you have a whole community to be there for you no matter what happens.

Everyone deserves a peaceful and painless death and, by refusing people who are suffering the means to do so and with the threat of being locked up and robbed of their personal autonomy constantly hanging over their heads, they have to take matters into their own hands and turn to other methods that could potentially cause them a lot of pain in the process, all the while we have the trained professionals and the appropriate medications to give people the opportunity to go in peace and at a time of their own choosing – and yet, we don't. It's sick and it doesn't need to be like this.

No matter what happens, I'm so profoundly sorry that this world failed you, sweet Elliot, and I wish you peace and freedom from your suffering, no matter what that might mean for you.

 

[Hateyouprolife]

Elliot was last seen 11 min ago

 

[_elliott]

i can't reply to everyone but thank you all very much. right now i'm still here. i'm still very blue. drank water and took ibuprofen. i'm honestly terrified. i can't go to the doctor. i'm trying to stay calm the best i can. i think i won't die. i'm breathing okay and have gotten better. i'm just really cold

 

[blueclover_.]

I would strongly suggest getting yourself to a hospital, even if you are feeling better. I'm sorry you went through this, hope you feel ok soon after such a traumatic experience. Go easy on yourself.

No need to, the SN he drank are already neutralized by his stomach. His blood is supplied back with oxygen, you don't need methanyl blue anymore. Take care OP.

 

[Someone123]

I'm glad you're alive if you're glad or if you are unsure about whether you wanted to go. Thanks for documenting things. When you feel better It could be interesting to see how close your protocol was to Stan's plan- most people make some compromises, and some ctb and some don't. It's helpful to see what works and what doesn't. I've seen a lot of attempts where sn doesn't work, like this, and some where it does- there are so many variables. It'll also be interesting to see if you recover at home or go to a hospital. Best of luck with whatever you choose.

 

[rationaltake]

i can't reply to everyone but thank you all very much. right now i'm still here. i'm still very blue. drank water and took ibuprofen. i'm honestly terrified. i can't go to the doctor. i'm trying to stay calm the best i can. i think i won't die. i'm breathing okay and have gotten better. i'm just really cold

Thanks for letting us know. Obviously I don't know why you can't see a doctor. Is it maybe possible just to ring a medical centre for advice? You can do that in my country. Do take care. Your story has obviously touched many hearts. Sorry you're terrified but it's good you're trying to stay calm.

 

[Vex]

thank you. i'll be alright. i'm hurt, wnd life sucks. and i still want to die. but if i'm still here then.. i guess im still here

to be honest with you, i don't know.

This is what's frightening about ctb. How many of us realize at the last moment that we only thought we wanted to ctb but now realize we want to actually live?

Elliott, please use this experience as a stepping stone to find the self love and acceptance in your life you may have been lacking.

I will be thinking of you. Message me any time, I have notifications on. I will be there for you though I do not know you.

You will never be alone again if you do not wish to be.

 

[_elliott]

No need to, the SN he drank are already neutralized by his stomach. His blood is supplied back with oxygen, you don't need methanyl blue anymore. Take care OP.

i'm still blue, but i feel a lot better. i've been drinking water and juice.

Thanks for letting us know. Obviously I don't know why you can't see a doctor. Is it maybe possible just to ring a medical centre for advice? You can do that in my country. Do take care. Your story has obviously touched many hearts.

going to a doctor would mean having to have someone drive me, i don't live alone right now. i can't let them know i tried to ctb.
again thank you everyone. i'm reading these all and even though i don't have the energy to respond one by one please know it's touched my heart, thank you.

 

[Someone123]

Of course if you go to a doctor you may be held in the hospital against your will for five or more days, depending on where you live, so this is a factor.

 

[_elliott]

i'm okay everyone. the blueness, headache, ect, is wearing off. i feel a little better. i think i'll be alright.

 

[blueclover_.]

Of course if you go to a doctor you may be held in the hospital against your will for five or more days, depending on where you live, so this is a factor.

Yeah, going to the hospital is unnecessary. His body already neutralized the SN. If he wants to try again, he should do it strictly according to Stan's guide which requires a lot of meds. Probably level up the dose.

 

[Someone123]

Yeah, going to the hospital is unnecessary. His body already neutralized the SN. If he wants to try again, he should do it strictly according to Stan's guide which requires a lot of meds. Probably level up the dose.

That sounds like good advice except often people can't get Meto. Cheers seemed to ctb on Oct 30 using Stan's guide except for meto- she used otc Meclizine instead. Some people can't get benzos either, and an otc alternative may be ok here, too. She was strict on everything else- meds and fasting and mindset as well, it seems, and she did have benzos.

 

[_elliott]

i'm alive but my ex partner snd best friend just ditched me. fuck.

 

[rationaltake]

i'm alive but my ex partner snd best friend just ditched me. fuck.

Life sucks. The timing couldn't be worse.

 

[Vex]

i'm alive but my ex partner snd best friend just ditched me. fuck.

Did they ditch you because of the attempt or is it just shitty timing?

 

[_elliott]

Did they ditch you because of the attempt or is it just shitty timing?

shitty timing. they were there for my first suicide attempt and we have been rocky ever since.

 

[Vex]

shitty timing. they were there for my first suicide attempt and we have been rocky ever since.

That sucks. How does it make you feel? They may not be, but we are here for you.

 

[_elliott]

That sucks. How does it make you feel? They may not be, but we are here for you.

horrible. i don't know what i want to do. just sleep i guess. i think i'm just really exhausted.

 

[Sniper1x]

Elliot,You are very very beatiful person.And you have a big and golden heart.I respect your choice but i worried when i saw ur topic.Because your last messages hurted my heart.Because when u die,u care ur family and ur friends.Its mean u have a biggest heart.My english is bad,I cant tell my emotions about u.Love u nice people

 

[_elliott]

Not real and not Kool to screw with others like this. Just sayin.

dude. i took sn. my lips are still stained blue. you want pictures?

Elliot,You are very very beatiful person.And you have a big and golden heart.I respect your choice but i worried when i saw ur topic.Because your last messages hurted my heart.Because when u die,u care ur family and ur friends.Its mean u have a biggest heart.My english is bad,I cant tell my emotions about u.Love u nice people

thank you so much. i'm doing my best. i think i might see if i can get more direct resources for suicidal stuff in particular. this was wild. i genuinely cannot believe i survived.

 

[Vex]

Not real and not Kool to screw with others like this. Just sayin.

Elliott's soul is screaming for release and they're trying to find peace, please respect their actions even if you do not agree with it.

dude. i took sn. my lips are still stained blue. you want pictures?

thank you so much. i'm doing my best. i think i might see if i can get more direct resources for suicidal stuff in particular. this was wild. i genuinely cannot believe i survived.

It could be a rare sign from a normally cold and uncaring universe that it may not be time for you yet.

 

[_elliott]

just so everyone knows, i'll get the timeline of events.

around 3 pm PST: i take a sip of SN. i take lexapro and hydroxozine. (i took them wayyy earlier in the morning, but i guess this is important to note.) it was literally not a big sip at all. the SN was 18fl with 3 tablespoons of SN mixed into it. i felt sick, but nothing awful.
around 3:30 i think, or maybe 4:00: i feel like shit. i have a huge, suicidal, bpd split, and decide to take more, because why not, right? since i didn't take any anti-ememics, (excuse spelling, i'm pretty loopy rn.) if i live it'll tell me i need them. if i don't it's fine. it's what i want.
then whenever this was posted: oh my god. the pain was immediate. went from feeling--eh, okay, mild headache and heart pounding, to--holy shit i can't stand. i can't move. i kept falling over. i managed to make it to the restroom with my computer and phone, because i felt like right then and there i was going to die. my SN is 99% pure.. and i drank maybe like, around half the bottle.
i pass out on and on, can barely type. schedule a suicide post for my friends online, and one on here. trying to keep everyone updated the best i can. i'm switching from; "god damn it i don't want to die," to, "oh my god finally i'm so happy," to, "i'm not actually going to die, and i'm just going to have to try again," and... yeah. you can guess which one happened.

it was genuinely really painful. passing out and the headaches was not ideal. i didn't throw up as much as i thought i was going to, in fact, the only reason i think i'm still here, is because during one of my pass-outs, i accidentally swallowed the wrong way, and it caused me to get sick, and immediately feel better. if it was not for that, i don't think i would still be here.

 

[Sniper1x]

dude. i took sn. my lips are still stained blue. you want pictures?

thank you so much. i'm doing my best. i think i might see if i can get more direct resources for suicidal stuff in particular. this was wild. i genuinely cannot believe i survived.

If you stay with us,u are biggest present for world.But if u dont want ,world didnt deserve u ane ur beatiful soul.

 

[_elliott]

If you stay with us,u are biggest present for world.But if u dont want ,world didnt deserve u ane ur beatiful soul.

you're so sweet thank you so much :,-)

 

[Vex]

just so everyone knows, i'll get the timeline of events.

around 3 pm PST: i take a sip of SN. i take lexapro and hydroxozine. (i took them wayyy earlier in the morning, but i guess this is important to note.) it was literally not a big sip at all. the SN was 18fl with 3 tablespoons of SN mixed into it. i felt sick, but nothing awful.
around 3:30 i think, or maybe 4:00: i feel like shit. i have a huge, suicidal, bpd split, and decide to take more, because why not, right? since i didn't take any anti-ememics, (excuse spelling, i'm pretty loopy rn.) if i live it'll tell me i need them. if i don't it's fine. it's what i want.
then whenever this was posted: oh my god. the pain was immediate. went from feeling--eh, okay, mild headache and heart pounding, to--holy shit i can't stand. i can't move. i kept falling over. i managed to make it to the restroom with my computer and phone, because i felt like right then and there i was going to die. my SN is 99% pure.. and i drank maybe like, around half the bottle.
i pass out on and on, can barely type. schedule a suicide post for my friends online, and one on here. trying to keep everyone updated the best i can. i'm switching from; "god damn it i don't want to die," to, "oh my god finally i'm so happy," to, "i'm not actually going to die, and i'm just going to have to try again," and... yeah. you can guess which one happened.

it was genuinely really painful. passing out and the headaches was not ideal. i didn't throw up as much as i thought i was going to, in fact, the only reason i think i'm still here, is because during one of my pass-outs, i accidentally swallowed the wrong way, and it caused me to get sick, and immediately feel better. if it was not for that, i don't think i would still be here.

What was painful? Was it the headache or was there more? I apologize for being inquisitive, but it is important to know so that other people can understand the full ramifications of this method. Btw you are so incredibly brave ❤❤

 

[_elliott]

What was painful? Was it the headache or was there more. I apologize for being inquisitive, but it is important to know so that other people can understand the full ramifications of this method.

definitely the headache. the thing was i could feel everywhere getting cold... except my head. it was hot, for me. hot, piercing headache behind the eyes. like i was slowly being strangled, kind of. (because i guess, i was.) like a really, really, slow painful drowning.

 

[Sniper1x]

you're so sweet thank you so much :,-)

Cant i send pm to you,why ? Because am i new member ?

 

[_elliott]

Cant i send pm to you,why ? Because am i new member ?

i think it's just because you're new!

 

[Vex]

definitely the headache. the thing was i could feel everywhere getting cold... except my head. it was hot, for me. hot, piercing headache behind the eyes. like i was slowly being strangled, kind of. (because i guess, i was.) like a really, really, slow painful drowning.

Thank you for taking the time to explain, I know you are very drained and tired right now. I wish you all the best ❤