i’m dying right now . i’m actually dying. sn

[Fadeawaaaay]

hey everyone. just an update. yes i'm still alive. i don't know why some people don't believe me—which is fine. in terms of answering some questions:

i have no idea why i'm alive. i drank about.. a tablespoon and a half of SN? i'll estimate? maybe a little bit less or more. i fasted for two days. i did not follow the regimen as it was a very hasty and impulsive act. i was not planning to go this day, but i was so depressed i thought i would play around with death. i do this a lot. overdoses of any kind just have never worked for me. my previous attempt i took 200mg of oxycodone and still lived.

the times i took might be sketchy because frankly i was not all here and not keeping track. i felt so dissociative i just could not think.

the reason why i took the computer in with me was last minute panic. it was right when i was stumbling. after i took the computer in with me i couldn't stand at all. i collapsed onto the floor and could not move. my whole body was numb and blue. my feet, legs, and arms, were completely blue - brown, and my lips were practically silver.

breathing was impossible and my heart was racing. like i said, my head felt like it was popping out. all i could taste was the SN. i felt like there was an immense hot pressure against my skull.

i got sick once, the first time i managed to collapse. i then was stuck on the floor. like i said, i felt like i was going to go, until i swallowed the wrong way and got sick again. then i felt a lot better. drank a ton of water until i was able to stand again jusy enough to get some iced tea from my fridge and drink that. kept spitting as much as i could as i did not have the strength to keep getting sick. everything was still blue.

i don't know the rules about pictures and i am still on mobile, so i apologize if sharing them is against any regulations, but i guess since people are asking for some kind of proof, here are my lips about two hours after the attempt, plus my hands. you can see the blueness in my veins, and how grey the skin is.

i slept for a very long time and just woke up. everything is back to normal, but i still feel very exhausted.
View attachment 78834for comparison, here is what my lips normally look like. i'm sure you can see the difference.

What was it like drinking the SN? Did you really believe it was lights out? Or did you feel like part of you was holding onto life? It seems like it would be absolutely terrifying drinking down that poison. And realizing this is it. It's over.

 

[addressunknown]

Guess SN isn't an option either then

 

[PeacefulTonic]

Guess SN isn't an option either then

They did it impulsively, they didn't follow the regimen. It's still one of the best options for many people

 

[addressunknown]

They did it impulsively, they didn't follow the regimen. It's still one of the best options for many people

I was considering this keeping in mind that i'm cursed and most likely to fail too

Thank you for sharing your experience op good luck

 

[Someone123]

They did it impulsively, they didn't follow the regimen. It's still one of the best options for many people

Following Stain's Guide improves chances.

 

[_elliott]

What was it like drinking the SN? Did you really believe it was lights out? Or did you feel like part of you was holding onto life? It seems like it would be absolutely terrifying drinking down that poison. And realizing this is it. It's over.

part of me was holding on. i didn't think really before i did it. i didn't think it would hit so hard. part of me was very ready, another part of me was just scared of the pain. it was less... i wanted to live. just... i think more that the pain was horrible. that i was going to die in pain. thankfully, not alone, as i was on this forum, but the idea of dying in such pain... that i think was the major horrifying factor. every time i felt myself blanking in and out.. i could still hear the music i was playing, my own heartbeat, but i couldn't open my eyes no matter how hard i tried. i just kept listening to the music. my playlist is about 45 minutes long. so, when it kept going, when i heard the next song all i could think about was the timer. "sn can kill between 20 minutes to two hours," i thought, "but usually 45 minutes at the most. and my lips are blue. and my fingernails are blue. and my feet are blue. and my head hurts. and i can't breathe." i didn't know if i was going to live. i was confident before, but... this. i don't know. i just didn't know when i was going to stop breathing. when i just couldn't breathe anymore. every single breath and every single song was just. a timer.

I'm so sorry you had such a dramatic experience! Hopefully you are able to get some rest now and enough sleep and hydration.

Don't try anything this rushed again without taking the proper meds as stated in Stan's guide.
It's not worth it, gambling with your health :(

Stay safe, Op.

thank you very much.
though i cannot get anti-enemics, i will, if i do attempt this method again, at least get painkillers.

During the attempt you posted things where this may not be the best decision for you- you do look young and one big factor is that young people have a lot of potential time, opportunities, and energy for turning things around- very often it's just a matter of finding or seeing these opportunities. If a person is uncertain whether they want to ctb then I think that trying some volunteering, especially to help animals, is one way that can be helpful to make a person want to continue. This attempt is similar to some others I have seen - impulsive attempts with SN especially seem to not work out, and this applies to a lot of other methods as well.

thank you for your insight :-)
i actually recently applied to volunteer at a rabbit sanctuary, so here's hoping they get back to me.
i wouldn't describe myself as being uncertain with ctb, i do very heavily crave it. but, i genuinely think there must be something keeping me. i don't know. i don't believe in god, i really don't. i've tried very hard. but all i know is i should've died. even with the puking earlier. i just should've died. if i didn't choke on my own spit and get myself sick again, i wouldn't be here.

i guess even though i might be ready, there's something in the universe telling me to keep watch, and keep waiting. this is not my first failed attempt. this is now my seventh. first time was trying to run into a train--i was pulled back by someone, or something, before i had the chance to jump. second attempt was a zoloft overdose. my ex made me go to the hospital. third, and fourth, i tried drowning myself after huffing cans of air. i backed out both times/the high cut off right as i started drowning. fifth and six were both oxycodone overdoses. i survived the first time, and just went to work. the last one, i told my friends, and they called an ambulance for me. one of those being my ex best friend and partner... who, now, i don't talk to at all. who i ruined things with.

and uhm, now this. sorry for venting so much.. but. i guess i have time. i guess something in this world wants me to live. i don't know.

 

[miulake]

I am not sure whether to believe this post or not. With no photos/videos of your room and SN, it is hard to know if it is real or merely attention seeking

 

[Vex]

I am not sure whether to believe this post or not. With no photos/videos of your room and SN, it is hard to know if it is real or merely attention seeking

I would rather it be fiction.

Does not seem tactful to ask for that kind of proof as if their experience is invalid and meaningless just because a person does not believe it.

 

[Someone123]

part of me was holding on. i didn't think really before i did it. i didn't think it would hit so hard. part of me was very ready, another part of me was just scared of the pain. it was less... i wanted to live. just... i think more that the pain was horrible. that i was going to die in pain. thankfully, not alone, as i was on this forum, but the idea of dying in such pain... that i think was the major horrifying factor. every time i felt myself blanking in and out.. i could still hear the music i was playing, my own heartbeat, but i couldn't open my eyes no matter how hard i tried. i just kept listening to the music. my playlist is about 45 minutes long. so, when it kept going, when i heard the next song all i could think about was the timer. "sn can kill between 20 minutes to two hours," i thought, "but usually 45 minutes at the most. and my lips are blue. and my fingernails are blue. and my feet are blue. and my head hurts. and i can't breathe." i didn't know if i was going to live. i was confident before, but... this. i don't know. i just didn't know when i was going to stop breathing. when i just couldn't breathe anymore. every single breath and every single song was just. a timer.

thank you very much.
though i cannot get anti-enemics, i will, if i do attempt this method again, at least get painkillers.

thank you for your insight :-)
i actually recently applied to volunteer at a rabbit sanctuary, so here's hoping they get back to me.
i wouldn't describe myself as being uncertain with ctb, i do very heavily crave it. but, i genuinely think there must be something keeping me. i don't know. i don't believe in god, i really don't. i've tried very hard. but all i know is i should've died. even with the puking earlier. i just should've died. if i didn't choke on my own spit and get myself sick again, i wouldn't be here.

i guess even though i might be ready, there's something in the universe telling me to keep watch, and keep waiting. this is not my first failed attempt. this is now my seventh. first time was trying to run into a train--i was pulled back by someone, or something, before i had the chance to jump. second attempt was a zoloft overdose. my ex made me go to the hospital. third, and fourth, i tried drowning myself after huffing cans of air. i backed out both times/the high cut off right as i started drowning. fifth and six were both oxycodone overdoses. i survived the first time, and just went to work. the last one, i told my friends, and they called an ambulance for me. one of those being my ex best friend and partner... who, now, i don't talk to at all. who i ruined things with.

and uhm, now this. sorry for venting so much.. but. i guess i have time. i guess something in this world wants me to live. i don't know.

It's interesting that you said the pain was so bad, when sn is promoted as a low pain method- sometimes people get everything just right and the pain is lower, but obviously not all the time. Best of luck with whatever route you choose.

 

[_elliott]

I am not sure whether to believe this post or not. With no photos/videos of your room and SN, it is hard to know if it is real or merely attention seeking

i am oh so sorry that during my attempt i forgot the most important thing : to take a video of my death...
i posted pictures. believe them or don't. i don't know what the point of attention seeking on this site would be.

It's interesting that you said the pain was so bad, when sn is promoted as a low pain method- sometimes people get everything just right and the pain is lower, but obviously not all the time. Best of luck with whatever route you choose.

thank you. i think in the future i'll try it again, just following the guide as close as i can. it was just the headache that was awful, but i'm also just pretty sensitive to those in general.

 

[Sakura94]

Hi, I'm happy you're alive it really made me smile when I kept reading and saw you return to the thread. I'm so used to seeing people vanish after the 30th minute. I really think you should be checked out at a hospital. I don't know what you can tell them someone here can help you think something up.
Anyway, I haven't entirely read this whole thread. But a lot of us have doubts about the regime after reading about others vomiting anyway. A lot of hold to the fantasy of taking it and vanishing from the world, everything gone, and posts like yours cast doubts if that is possible which is why some will be extra skeptical.

 

[_elliott]

Hi, I'm happy you're alive it really made me smile when I kept reading and saw you return to the thread. I'm so used to seeing people vanish after the 30th minute. I really think you should be checked out at a hospital. I don't know what you can tell them someone here can help you think something up.
Anyway, I haven't entirely read this whole thread. But a lot of us have doubts about the regime after reading about others vomiting anyway. A lot of hold to the fantasy of taking it and vanishing from the world, everything gone, and posts like yours cast doubts if that is possible which is why some will be extra skeptical.

i'm okay. i don't have any bad side effects from the sn, so going to the hospital i think is unneeded. i feel perfectly normal now, and have had no lingering effects. i will be going to a therapist very very soon, and will be getting proper mental treatment.

i think people need to break the fantasy... SN is not nembutal. it is not the most peaceful option. every single piece of research i read, (yes, i did do research,) says that it can be painful due to nausea, headaches, and the heart palpitations. SN is scary to die on--at least it was for me. though the guide definitely HELPS, i do not think, even if i followed it, it would be the most peaceful way out. you are still going to get side effects, because at the end of the day: it is poison.

i'm somewhat happy to be alive and here to talk to everyone as well. i appreciate everyone's support with all my heart. i'll keep up as much hope as possible, even though it is hard and tiring for me right now. yes, my decision was impulsive, and reckless, but i do not want anyone to think i did this for fun, or for no reason. like i've stated before: i have gone through a lot of pain. a lot of attempts. this was building upon for months, and months, and years.

if i get bad side effects, i will follow everyone's advice, and care, and check into a hospital. but i assure everyone, i am doing okay, and have no damage whatsoever. i will say the ONE good thing that is not in fantasy with SN: it does not do any lasting damage if failed. my brain, heart, breathing, and skin, have all seemed to gone back to normal, as well as my appetite, ect. i did feel shitty for quite awhile, but it isn't, say, the possibility of severe liver damage like with the other pills i have tried, (oxycodone, especially.)

people are allowed to doubt me and be skeptical. like others have said: i have no need to prove myself to anyone. and, i have no reason to fake this, either. i've been on this site for months, and have plenty of other posts... i'm sorry to the skeptics, but i have to break the illusion here, as well as multiple people on this forum apparently having bad side effects to sn, guide or not: it isn't your most peaceful option. no straight up poison will be. even something like cyanide, which can kill you in less than minutes, will still be painful.

the only drug, to my research, that is completely painless, is N. the second runner up for me is oxycodone. i felt no pain or sickness taking that one at all. (duh, it is a painkiller, big shocker.)

is SN going to be the most painful way to die? no. it was painful for me, but everyone is different, of course. i would rate the pain a 7/10, which is comparable to others i have seen.

edit : even @NMOP3PISdn , who, i'm pretty sure, just passed from sn, and even interacted with me a couple of times, said lastly on their post that the headache pain was a 6/10. i wish them peace, and i hope that the pain from there did not grow, as it did for my attempt. i wouldn't wish it on anyone. trust me... the headache pain is a real thing.

 

[freelifexit]

Got scared and made myself throw up. When SN started to work it was the most horrific experience in my life. I did 12 hours fasting before, so some SN were absorbed. My lips and fingers turned blue, got tachycardia. I went to sleep but I woke up... now my skin has almost normal color but my leg really hurt

Could you please describe your experience more detailed? And how is your leg feeling now?

 

[sadstargazer231]

AntHydra didn't have proper meds either and they CTB. RIP to both of them. <3

 

[marinekiwi]

Thank you for sharing this experience @_elliott
This sure would help people take an informed decision on SN. I'm glad you're back with no sequelae at all.
Now my question is: If you were to attempt ctb again, would SN still be your method?

 

[_elliott]

Thank you for sharing this experience @_elliott
This sure would help people take an informed decision on SN. I'm glad you're back with no sequelae at all.
Now my question is: If you were to attempt ctb again, would SN still be your method?

possibly i will try again. i have a ton of it.

 

[Toonloon]

i am oh so sorry that during my attempt i forgot the most important thing : to take a video of my death...
i posted pictures. believe them or don't. i don't know what the point of attention seeking on this site would be.

thank you. i think in the future i'll try it again, just following the guide as close as i can. it was just the headache that was awful, but i'm also just pretty sensitive to those in general.

Just ignore the trolls. There seem to be more and more of them on here lately.

 

[grungeCat]

Could you please describe your experience more detailed? And how is your leg feeling now?

I pm'ed you but since I feel better now I am going to create a new thread to describe my unsuccessful SN attempt, stay tuned.

 

[Starryeyes]

Did you add propranolol?

 

[freedom_in_death]

This "attempt" just seems like attention seeking to me. Sorry to say but, I don't think I believe it. From research, isn't medical attention the only way to recover from SN poisoning?
Also, based on your activity on the website after "ingesting" it, I'm sure someone would need a couple days at least before typing so much. Not trying to be the bad guy but, this "failed attempt" will discourage others.

I plan to ctb using SN and I don't want to believe that I can simply "sleep it off" or flush it out. It must be harder than that to recover.

 

[Someone123]

This "attempt" just seems like attention seeking to me. Sorry to say but, I don't think I believe it. From research, isn't medical attention the only way to recover from SN poisoning?
Also, based on your activity on the website after "ingesting" it, I'm sure someone would need a couple days at least before typing so much. Not trying to be the bad guy but, this "failed attempt" will discourage others.

I plan to ctb using SN and I don't want to believe that I can simply "sleep it off" or flush it out. It must be harder than that to recover.

Actually this is consistent with many failed attempts- once a person throws up too much of the sn is gone to cause ctb, and then the body is able to process the sn that is left. Often more is cleared by drinking water and vomiting more. It seems that a high percentage of cases of failing with sn are done without medical attention.

 

[Dot]

This "attempt" just seems like attention seeking to me. Sorry to say but, I don't think I believe it. From research, isn't medical attention the only way to recover from SN poisoning?
Also, based on your activity on the website after "ingesting" it, I'm sure someone would need a couple days at least before typing so much. Not trying to be the bad guy but, this "failed attempt" will discourage others.

I plan to ctb using SN and I don't want to believe that I can simply "sleep it off" or flush it out. It must be harder than that to recover.

Op expernce strtd b4 currnt thrd: Post in thread 'tomorrow will be my last 24 hours.' https://sanctioned-suicide.net/threads/tomorrow-will-be-my-last-24-hours.76999/post-1385929

 

[_elliott]

This "attempt" just seems like attention seeking to me. Sorry to say but, I don't think I believe it. From research, isn't medical attention the only way to recover from SN poisoning?
Also, based on your activity on the website after "ingesting" it, I'm sure someone would need a couple days at least before typing so much. Not trying to be the bad guy but, this "failed attempt" will discourage others.

I plan to ctb using SN and I don't want to believe that I can simply "sleep it off" or flush it out. It must be harder than that to recover.

good for you, then. believe whatever you want. have fun.
you're not believing based on research. you're believing because you don't want to think you can fail. that's alright. just admit that before saying i'm attention seeking. just saying.

"based on my activity" .. i was unconscious for over an hour. you can see that. when i woke up, i had puked tremendously. that's going to flush anything out of your system if it's enough. i've taken multiple pills that should've killed me, all flushed out with throwing up. and, besides, typing isn't a hard thing to do. you're acting like i ran a marathon. i was still pretty paralyzed, shaky, and blue. which.. i have provided pictures for. no one's lips are naturally that blue.

"this failed attempt will discourage others" ... good? i want people to look at this, reconsider, and maybe either a.) follow the guide more, or b.) think about their method more, and how to prepare. yes, everyone deserves to go how they want to, but SN is still a poison. will i be using it again? possibly. but it is not a painless method. even the peaceful handbook lists the pain as a 7/10, from my memory.

i want people to go in peace. i want people to not be hurt during their last moments. if this post makes people reconsider and either find hope to live, or find another, more peaceful method, that is a good thing. i don't see how it isn't.

if you want to do SN, hun, you can still do it. i'm not saying you can't. but thinking it is an instant, peaceful death, isn't accurate. there's plenty of failed attempts, and even successful ones match what i have described.

i wish you the best of luck on your journey, that's a genuine saying from me. but don't call me attention seeking. i've been on this site for months. if i wanted the attention, i would've been doing this type of post long, long ago.

you can also see how long i have been looking at SN, my happiness finding it, and the same belief as you.

 

[Itsallover123]

This "attempt" just seems like attention seeking to me. Sorry to say but, I don't think I believe it. From research, isn't medical attention the only way to recover from SN poisoning?
Also, based on your activity on the website after "ingesting" it, I'm sure someone would need a couple days at least before typing so much. Not trying to be the bad guy but, this "failed attempt" will discourage others.

I plan to ctb using SN and I don't want to believe that I can simply "sleep it off" or flush it out. It must be harder than that to recover.

Its really hard to die. Our bodies want to live even if we don't.

 

[BornBrief]

This makes me nervous since this is my method when I CTB

They clearly didn't follow the instructions

 

[_elliott]

also, one last thing on this thread before i go quiet for awhile, (just tired of answering the same questions over and over,) i have bpd. i am a very impulsive individual. but am not stupid. i play with death a lot. it was the reason why i did this in the first place. i knew there was a chance i would die before i did any of this, and, though my thoughts were mixed, there is a large part of me that wanted to die.

i did not test the SN because of any stupid reason. "oh, i want to see if it will work.." (i did a blood test before. it was pure, and was going to work.)
i did it because i was in such a bad, mental spot, and still am, that i wanted to play with death. i wanted to feel something. and, fuck, even with the pain, there was a large part of me that was begging to fall asleep and go. counting my last breaths until i passed.

did i follow instructions? no, i didn't. but i think you all must remember: the instructions are meant to ensure things go peacefully. we aren't the only ones who have discovered this method, you all realize that, right? there's plenty of people who have done this same exact thing, hell, there's people who have done it exactly as i did. drink some. wait. hope for the best... and still. died.

it is all about the amount, all about how much you throw up, (which, is why you take the anti-enemics, because throwing up clears it from your system, ahem. that's why it's in the guide.) and your own body. i am small. i'm 5" and 130 (probably less now, i don't really eat anymore) pounds. i am small. but i'm also strong, and my body tends to recover very, very fast. it knows when i have overdosed, and fixes itself accordingly. i throw up a lot. i can manage it okay, some things go down easier than others, but our bodies have full control. if our bodies don't want something in us, they will tell you.

M-blue is the one way you can recover from SN, yes. but it isn't impossible to recover naturally either. what SN does is affect the oxygen in your blood, correct? after time, if you're not dead, and still breathing, and have flushed out a majority amount of anything, chances are you're going to recover. (again, i will say this one last time, that's why you take the anti-enemic medications.)

and one more time, i will answer these questions : the headache was the painful part. breathing wasn't too painful, just very labored. my heart pounding was uncomfortable, but i wouldn't describe it as painful. think of it like you've been running for a very long time. puking wasn't painful either, just really gross. you're going to taste the SN for days. i still can taste it sometimes. whether that is a mental recollection or an actual taste, i don't know.

i also flushed the SN out of my system by drinking a lot of water and.. you know the rest.

and, finally : do i want people to not take SN? no. i want people to just go in peace. i want people to reconsider, or at least make sure they have everything okay enough to go. if you're scared: good. this is a good thing. take a deep breath, think, and prepare, prepare, prepare. i would rather you be anxious and overprepared than in pain. i just love everyone, and i want them all to go in peace. me having this forum up is not to be the villain of SN. i still think that it is a reliable, and VERY safe method. it's actually extremely safe in terms of long-term damage. you will not have any functioning problems if stopped and found. the brain is the last to go, which is why my typing was coherent, as well as my following actions.

thank you absolutely to every single. person. who either wished me peace when they thought i was gone, or supported me when it turned out i had failed. genuinely. i really,. really appreciate that. it warms my heart that even if i passed, i wouldn't have passed alone. i know my recent messages have sounded tired, and harsh, but i am genuinely very happy for the support, and even the criticism, and questions i have gotten on this forum. thank you to everyone who has looked my way. thank you for those messaging me, the discord, and those offering to be messaged if i need it. i appreciate it.

i will sum it up by saying this: i do not know about my future attempts. i do not know if i will use SN again. i am still insanely suicidal. i am still very close to the edge. i would never do something like this for attention. i don't have the best support system in person, but i can get help very easily. this isn't a cry for help. this post was me genuinely thinking i was finally about to die. i was scared, but happy. i think about death every. single. day.

i am young, and there is a lot i have gone through. i'm twenty, and i was basically born being hurt, and abused by this world. i am tired. will i keep trying? of course. and, if i decide to pass again, will i make another post? of course. hopefully, though, it won't be soon.

and one, very very very last thing... please read all my posts and comments before dming me. don't ask where i got the SN, i've posted about it before, and, please do not message me asking for actual advice on CBT-ING using SN. i will not give you a personal guide, i will not give you a link to where i got my SN, as it is, like i said, a specific state-only store. i will not tell you how to CBT. i am not comfortable with that. use SS's resources page. i don't mean to sound rude with any of this, by the way. just my last bit of info.

if there are any new questions, i will be happy to answer them. i wish you all peace, happiness, and a great day. whatever you choose to do, i will always love and respect your choices, and hope you go with peace.

 

[Cherry xoxo]

also, one last thing on this thread before i go quiet for awhile, (just tired of answering the same questions over and over,) i have bpd. i am a very impulsive individual. but am not stupid. i play with death a lot. it was the reason why i did this in the first place. i knew there was a chance i would die before i did any of this, and, though my thoughts were mixed, there is a large part of me that wanted to die.

i did not test the SN because of any stupid reason. "oh, i want to see if it will work.." (i did a blood test before. it was pure, and was going to work.)
i did it because i was in such a bad, mental spot, and still am, that i wanted to play with death. i wanted to feel something. and, fuck, even with the pain, there was a large part of me that was begging to fall asleep and go. counting my last breaths until i passed.

did i follow instructions? no, i didn't. but i think you all must remember: the instructions are meant to ensure things go peacefully. we aren't the only ones who have discovered this method, you all realize that, right? there's plenty of people who have done this same exact thing, hell, there's people who have done it exactly as i did. drink some. wait. hope for the best... and still. died.

it is all about the amount, all about how much you throw up, (which, is why you take the anti-enemics, because throwing up clears it from your system, ahem. that's why it's in the guide.) and your own body. i am small. i'm 5" and 130 (probably less now, i don't really eat anymore) pounds. i am small. but i'm also strong, and my body tends to recover very, very fast. it knows when i have overdosed, and fixes itself accordingly. i throw up a lot. i can manage it okay, some things go down easier than others, but our bodies have full control. if our bodies don't want something in us, they will tell you.

M-blue is the one way you can recover from SN, yes. but it isn't impossible to recover naturally either. what SN does is affect the oxygen in your blood, correct? after time, if you're not dead, and still breathing, and have flushed out a majority amount of anything, chances are you're going to recover. (again, i will say this one last time, that's why you take the anti-enemic medications.)

and one more time, i will answer these questions : the headache was the painful part. breathing wasn't too painful, just very labored. my heart pounding was uncomfortable, but i wouldn't describe it as painful. think of it like you've been running for a very long time. puking wasn't painful either, just really gross. you're going to taste the SN for days. i still can taste it sometimes. whether that is a mental recollection or an actual taste, i don't know.

i also flushed the SN out of my system by drinking a lot of water and.. you know the rest.

and, finally : do i want people to not take SN? no. i want people to just go in peace. i want people to reconsider, or at least make sure they have everything okay enough to go. if you're scared: good. this is a good thing. take a deep breath, think, and prepare, prepare, prepare. i would rather you be anxious and overprepared than in pain. i just love everyone, and i want them all to go in peace. me having this forum up is not to be the villain of SN. i still think that it is a reliable, and VERY safe method. it's actually extremely safe in terms of long-term damage. you will not have any functioning problems if stopped and found. the brain is the last to go, which is why my typing was coherent, as well as my following actions.

thank you absolutely to every single. person. who either wished me peace when they thought i was gone, or supported me when it turned out i had failed. genuinely. i really,. really appreciate that. it warms my heart that even if i passed, i wouldn't have passed alone. i know my recent messages have sounded tired, and harsh, but i am genuinely very happy for the support, and even the criticism, and questions i have gotten on this forum. thank you to everyone who has looked my way. thank you for those messaging me, the discord, and those offering to be messaged if i need it. i appreciate it.

i will sum it up by saying this: i do not know about my future attempts. i do not know if i will use SN again. i am still insanely suicidal. i am still very close to the edge. i would never do something like this for attention. i don't have the best support system in person, but i can get help very easily. this isn't a cry for help. this post was me genuinely thinking i was finally about to die. i was scared, but happy. i think about death every. single. day.

i am young, and there is a lot i have gone through. i'm twenty, and i was basically born being hurt, and abused by this world. i am tired. will i keep trying? of course. and, if i decide to pass again, will i make another post? of course. hopefully, though, it won't be soon.

and one, very very very last thing... please read all my posts and comments before dming me. don't ask where i got the SN, i've posted about it before, and, please do not message me asking for actual advice on CBT-ING using SN. i will not give you a personal guide, i will not give you a link to where i got my SN, as it is, like i said, a specific state-only store. i will not tell you how to CBT. i am not comfortable with that. use SS's resources page. i don't mean to sound rude with any of this, by the way. just my last bit of info.

if there are any new questions, i will be happy to answer them. i wish you all peace, happiness, and a great day. whatever you choose to do, i will always love and respect your choices, and hope you go with peace.

Hii Eliot

I would just like to say that you are such a strong and brave person, you put your fear aside and went ahead and I wish I had that type of courage.
Thank you for taking the time to let us all know about your experience, it has been incredibly helpful.

I wish you all the best on whichever path you choose to take

 

[_elliott]

Hii Eliot

I would just like to say that you are such a strong and brave person, you put your fear aside and went ahead and I wish I had that type of courage.
Thank you for taking the time to let us all know about your experience, it has been incredibly helpful.

I wish you all the best on whichever path you choose to take

thank you hun, i appreciate this very much. i hope you're having a good day

 

[rationaltake]

thank you hun, i appreciate this very much. i hope you're having a good day

Take care. You're so young and you've been through a lot. I'm so old by the way! I find it hard to write much. But I do relate to your story.

 

[forgotten15]

also, one last thing on this thread before i go quiet for awhile, (just tired of answering the same questions over and over,) i have bpd. i am a very impulsive individual. but am not stupid. i play with death a lot. it was the reason why i did this in the first place. i knew there was a chance i would die before i did any of this, and, though my thoughts were mixed, there is a large part of me that wanted to die.

i did not test the SN because of any stupid reason. "oh, i want to see if it will work.." (i did a blood test before. it was pure, and was going to work.)
i did it because i was in such a bad, mental spot, and still am, that i wanted to play with death. i wanted to feel something. and, fuck, even with the pain, there was a large part of me that was begging to fall asleep and go. counting my last breaths until i passed.

did i follow instructions? no, i didn't. but i think you all must remember: the instructions are meant to ensure things go peacefully. we aren't the only ones who have discovered this method, you all realize that, right? there's plenty of people who have done this same exact thing, hell, there's people who have done it exactly as i did. drink some. wait. hope for the best... and still. died.

it is all about the amount, all about how much you throw up, (which, is why you take the anti-enemics, because throwing up clears it from your system, ahem. that's why it's in the guide.) and your own body. i am small. i'm 5" and 130 (probably less now, i don't really eat anymore) pounds. i am small. but i'm also strong, and my body tends to recover very, very fast. it knows when i have overdosed, and fixes itself accordingly. i throw up a lot. i can manage it okay, some things go down easier than others, but our bodies have full control. if our bodies don't want something in us, they will tell you.

M-blue is the one way you can recover from SN, yes. but it isn't impossible to recover naturally either. what SN does is affect the oxygen in your blood, correct? after time, if you're not dead, and still breathing, and have flushed out a majority amount of anything, chances are you're going to recover. (again, i will say this one last time, that's why you take the anti-enemic medications.)

and one more time, i will answer these questions : the headache was the painful part. breathing wasn't too painful, just very labored. my heart pounding was uncomfortable, but i wouldn't describe it as painful. think of it like you've been running for a very long time. puking wasn't painful either, just really gross. you're going to taste the SN for days. i still can taste it sometimes. whether that is a mental recollection or an actual taste, i don't know.

i also flushed the SN out of my system by drinking a lot of water and.. you know the rest.

and, finally : do i want people to not take SN? no. i want people to just go in peace. i want people to reconsider, or at least make sure they have everything okay enough to go. if you're scared: good. this is a good thing. take a deep breath, think, and prepare, prepare, prepare. i would rather you be anxious and overprepared than in pain. i just love everyone, and i want them all to go in peace. me having this forum up is not to be the villain of SN. i still think that it is a reliable, and VERY safe method. it's actually extremely safe in terms of long-term damage. you will not have any functioning problems if stopped and found. the brain is the last to go, which is why my typing was coherent, as well as my following actions.

thank you absolutely to every single. person. who either wished me peace when they thought i was gone, or supported me when it turned out i had failed. genuinely. i really,. really appreciate that. it warms my heart that even if i passed, i wouldn't have passed alone. i know my recent messages have sounded tired, and harsh, but i am genuinely very happy for the support, and even the criticism, and questions i have gotten on this forum. thank you to everyone who has looked my way. thank you for those messaging me, the discord, and those offering to be messaged if i need it. i appreciate it.

i will sum it up by saying this: i do not know about my future attempts. i do not know if i will use SN again. i am still insanely suicidal. i am still very close to the edge. i would never do something like this for attention. i don't have the best support system in person, but i can get help very easily. this isn't a cry for help. this post was me genuinely thinking i was finally about to die. i was scared, but happy. i think about death every. single. day.

i am young, and there is a lot i have gone through. i'm twenty, and i was basically born being hurt, and abused by this world. i am tired. will i keep trying? of course. and, if i decide to pass again, will i make another post? of course. hopefully, though, it won't be soon.

and one, very very very last thing... please read all my posts and comments before dming me. don't ask where i got the SN, i've posted about it before, and, please do not message me asking for actual advice on CBT-ING using SN. i will not give you a personal guide, i will not give you a link to where i got my SN, as it is, like i said, a specific state-only store. i will not tell you how to CBT. i am not comfortable with that. use SS's resources page. i don't mean to sound rude with any of this, by the way. just my last bit of info.

if there are any new questions, i will be happy to answer them. i wish you all peace, happiness, and a great day. whatever you choose to do, i will always love and respect your choices, and hope you go with peace.

I am glad you are okay no matter what. I hope you find some tranquility after this episode. Stay safe and thank you for answering everyone's questions, you are kind!