I'm dying friday morning so I can stop from hurting anyone again.

[Banshe]

I've hurt so many people throughout my life. I've been a leech, a liar, a hypocrite, and just an overall horrible person. I've never wanted to hurt anyone. But I still constantly hurt people just by being myself. I am fundamentally a bad person, and I know all of this is based in delusion. I know it's an effect of trauma. I know all this, but it doesn't change how I feel.

In short both of my partners will be happier with just the two of them without me acting as a leech. They love each other far more than either of them love me and I understand why entirely. Anyways on friday morning, very early like 2 am, i plan to mix sodium azide into distilled water, take my meto, start a timer, and take the mixture. It's been a pleasure talking to everyone and lurking.

 

[puella]

I'm sorry your thoughts about yourself are so negative. There's nothing you could have done wrong to make you deserve the pain you're feeling.

If today is your last, I hope it will be pleasant. I'm here for you if you need anything. I care about you.

 

[Banshe]

I'm sorry your thoughts about yourself are so negative. There's nothing you could have done wrong to make you deserve the pain you're feeling.

If today is your last, I hope it will be pleasant. I'm here for you if you need anything. I care about you.

Believe it or not, I'm actually that bad haha. But I appreciate the support. I plan to just hang in this forum and kind of just try to find a reason not to die. Because right now its like my default state is wanting to die.

 

[puella]

Believe it or not, I'm actually that bad haha. But I appreciate the support. I plan to just hang in this forum and kind of just try to find a reason not to die. Because right now its like my default state is wanting to die.

Is there anything I could do to help you find a reason to not CTB? I'm here for you, and my PMs are open.

 

[Banshe]

Is there anything I could do to help you find a reason to not CTB? I'm here for you, and my PMs are open.

Honestly ive been trying to find one. and I've been staying it off with cutting. But that's not working anymore. I just want to die...

 

[Banshe]

Hey I did go to sleep and wake up. Sadly my mood hasn't changed.

Its like im standing at the edge of an abyss. A black void of nothing. A wall holding out an arm so tempting. Constantly whispering.
Its better over here. I know they'll be happier without me. I will never be cold or hot again. I will never have to worry about an incoming genocide.

The first memory of my life was "I should die so I can come back as a girl". Prophetic. I am a girl. I am a proud trans woman. But at the end that will likely be my last thought anyways. As the one thing that could have helped me is impossible now. If I knew what trans people were as a kid. If I had got the treatment I've wanted since the moment I knew it existed as a kid, I would not be dying in less than 12 hours...

 

[not-2-b-the-answer]

I'm sorry it has come to this for you. I wish you peace and freedom from this horrible world if you decide to go through with it.

 

[Starry2He]

Hey I did go to sleep and wake up. Sadly my mood hasn't changed.

Its like im standing at the edge of an abyss. A black void of nothing. A wall holding out an arm so tempting. Constantly whispering.
Its better over here. I know they'll be happier without me. I will never be cold or hot again. I will never have to worry about an incoming genocide.

The first memory of my life was "I should die so I can come back as a girl". Prophetic. I am a girl. I am a proud trans woman. But at the end that will likely be my last thought anyways. As the one thing that could have helped me is impossible now. If I knew what trans people were as a kid. If I had got the treatment I've wanted since the moment I knew it existed as a kid, I would not be dying in less than 12 hours...

Are you me? I feel every word of this so keenly. If only my parents hadn't been bigots, if only I had been born cis, if only-
Maybe the next life will be kinder to us
I wish you peace In whatever you do

 

[Banshe]

Are you me? I feel every word of this so keenly. If only my parents hadn't been bigots, if only I had been born cis, if only-
Maybe the next life will be kinder to us
I wish you peace In whatever you do

Thank you. But im lucky. My parents weren't bigots. I was just never told what trans people are.
I guess I kind of made this as a goodbye. And just to find some people to chat with in these hours before.

 

[SmollMushroom]

I saw you were very active in chat, you will be missed.
I wish you that everything goes for the best, and the way you planned it.
Safe travels.

 

[Freyja13]

Hey I did go to sleep and wake up. Sadly my mood hasn't changed.

Its like im standing at the edge of an abyss. A black void of nothing. A wall holding out an arm so tempting. Constantly whispering.
Its better over here. I know they'll be happier without me. I will never be cold or hot again. I will never have to worry about an incoming genocide.

The first memory of my life was "I should die so I can come back as a girl". Prophetic. I am a girl. I am a proud trans woman. But at the end that will likely be my last thought anyways. As the one thing that could have helped me is impossible now. If I knew what trans people were as a kid. If I had got the treatment I've wanted since the moment I knew it existed as a kid, I would not be dying in less than 12 hours...

I can't count the amount of times I wished I could die and start life over as a cis girl. If I could I would take away all your pain. Too often I view transitioning and death as equally good options. I can empathise with at least some of your anguish.

I do know that transitioning, whatever that may look like for you, can not only be life saving but can also improve a person's quality of life overall. I've witnessed how much of an impact it can have on other people and the further I transition the more good moments I have. Don't get me wrong, it's slow going. God is it fucking slow. But at least I know my life is improving. Obvi for me I know I'm always gonna be clocky to some degree (fuck first puberty) but part of me also likes the idea of walking around making bigots uncomfortable xD

Are you able to talk to one or both of your partners about how you're feeling? They might be able to help dispell some of these thoughts even just for a time. I'm also available to chat but I would recommend trying to talk to your partners first.

I'd also just like to say I respect your autonomy. Obviously I hope you do decide to stick around (I need my sisters as much as they need me) but I do understand that sometimes the pain can be... simply too much to bear. Please know you are loved. :3

 

[Banshe]

I can't count the amount of times I wished I could die and start life over as a cis girl. If I could I would take away all your pain. Too often I view transitioning and death as equally good options. I can empathise with at least some of your anguish.

I do know that transitioning, whatever that may look like for you, can not only be life saving but can also improve a person's quality of life overall. I've witnessed how much of an impact it can have on other people and the further I transition the more good moments I have. Don't get me wrong, it's slow going. God is it fucking slow. But at least I know my life is improving. Obvi for me I know I'm always gonna be clocky to some degree (fuck first puberty) but part of me also likes the idea of walking around making bigots uncomfortable xD

Are you able to talk to one or both of your partners about how you're feeling? They might be able to help dispell some of these thoughts even just for a time. I'm also available to chat but I would recommend trying to talk to your partners first.

I'd also just like to say I respect your autonomy. Obviously I hope you do decide to stick around (I need my sisters as much as they need me) but I do understand that sometimes the pain can be... simply too much to bear. Please know you are loved. :3

Thank you so much. Yeah the HRT has made it easier to hold out. But its not just that of course, its everything together.

 

[Freyja13]

Thank you so much. Yeah the HRT has made it easier to hold out. But its not just that of course, its everything together.

Of course! I'm glad to hear the HRT is making things easier. Yeah, oftentimes it is a combination of everything. I know you didn't just wake up one day and decided you want out. It's the series of events that happened throughout your life that led you here. I'd like to listen if you'd feel comfortable talking more about that c:

 

[Scythe]

See you on the other side, I wish you a swift and peaceful journey. May you feel like a better person and forgive yourself on the other side.

 

[Banshe]

I just got a wave of emotion when I realized I've taken my dogs out for the last time... I didn't consider my dogs but im not dissuaded.
Also I live with my two partners my dogs will be well cared for because they're really our dogs.

Of course! I'm glad to hear the HRT is making things easier. Yeah, oftentimes it is a combination of everything. I know you didn't just wake up one day and decided you want out. It's the series of events that happened throughout your life that led you here. I'd like to listen if you'd feel comfortable talking more about that c:

Im a leech on the people who only care about me in the first place because I've lied to them.

 

[Worndown]

I hope all goes well for you.

 

[Freyja13]

I just got a wave of emotion when I realized I've taken my dogs out for the last time... I didn't consider my dogs but im not dissuaded.
Also I live with my two partners my dogs will be well cared for because they're really our dogs.

Im a leech on the people who only care about me in the first place because I've lied to them.

Those can be some overwhelming moments. It's kinda funny how those things just pop into your mind when you feel the end coming closer. It can be the smallest of things too like a last sip or meal or smell or texture. May I ask what you've lied about? ALSO pleeaasse tell me if I'm being annoying. Conversations can be difficult for me lol.

 

[Banshe]

Those can be some overwhelming moments. It's kinda funny how those things just pop into your mind when you feel the end coming closer. It can be the smallest of things too like a last sip or meal or smell or texture. May I ask what you've lied about? ALSO pleeaasse tell me if I'm being annoying. Conversations can be difficult for me lol.

Yeah I know all of this is delusion but it doesn't change how I feel.

 

[Freyja13]

Yeah I know all of this is delusion but it doesn't change how I feel.

That's so true and your feelings are valid. It's not like a person can just snap out of these feelings. I mean spaces like this wouldn't really exist in the first place if that were how the world worked. I wouldn't agree that you're experiencing delusions though. Like you've mentioned, you've been through a lot and when you get to a certain point death just seems like the only way out.

 

[Banshe]

I've lied about going through trauma that I didn't, and I have no idea why. Worse yet, it often comes from some real traumatic event thats been twisted into something new.

 

[Freyja13]

I've lied about going through trauma that I didn't, and I have no idea why. Worse yet, it often comes from some real traumatic event thats been twisted into something new.

I... have done that before. That is shockingly familiar. I'm gonna be honest and say that actually made me laugh when I read it because of how relatable it is. Mind you, I obviously don't know the circumstances but I can empathise with the idea. I still haven't told anybody about it cuz it's pretty shameful for me. It caused a lot of people a lot of harm. Fuck I should finally bring that up in therapy. But yeah this is the first time I've actually heard someone else say this.

 

[Banshe]

I... have done that before. That is shockingly familiar. I'm gonna be honest and say that actually made me laugh when I read it because of how relatable it is. Mind you, I obviously don't know the circumstances but I can empathise with the idea. I still haven't told anybody about it cuz it's pretty shameful for me. It caused a lot of people a lot of harm. Fuck I should finally bring that up in therapy. But yeah this is the first time I've actually heard someone else say this.

the worst part is the new version is always worse. and i cant remember which is which because each time i remember, it gets worse.

 

[Freyja13]

the worst part is the new version is always worse. and i cant remember which is which because each time i remember, it gets worse.

Oh yeah that gets hard. Luckily I haven't had to talk about mine for a while. It still fucking eats me inside though. I've been trying to be more honest with people but it's like I have to walk a fine line sometimes. When I get really anxious and start feeling unsafe I'll just start lying again about things. It sucks so much. I HAVE been doing better but it's slow progress.

 

[Banshe]

Oh yeah that gets hard. Luckily I haven't had to talk about mine for a while. It still fucking eats me inside though. I've been trying to be more honest with people but it's like I have to walk a fine line sometimes. When I get really anxious and start feeling unsafe I'll just start lying again about things. It sucks so much. I HAVE been doing better but it's slow progress.

omg yes its like i have to lie in emotional closeness

 

[Freyja13]

omg yes its like i have to lie in emotional closeness

Lol omg you feel that too? Fuuuck. I think I use it as like a defensive mechanism cuz I'm scared #1 of people getting to know me and #2 if they DO get to know me I believe I'll just chase them away. Over the past summer I've been trying more to open up and it's scary af but I've gotten some good experience. It's helped boost my confidence a bit. Of course my insecurities are still there but it's somewhat easier to understand where they're coming from and why I think the way I think.

 

[Banshe]

Yeah but im not afraid of people getting to know me. im afraid of boring them. im afraid that if im honest about who i am, noone would ever love me.

 

[Freyja13]

Yeah but im not afraid of people getting to know me. im afraid of boring them. im afraid that if im honest about who i am, noone would ever love me.

That is very understandable. That's part of the reason why I'm scared that I'd chase people away or make them leave. It seriously hinders what few friendships I have left. Plus it doesn't help that my best friend literally told me he didn't want me in his life anymore this past summer. That really fucked with my head. Kinda made me feel crazy for a while and I literally started questioning all my other relationships with people. Pretty much just second guessing if they actually want to be my friend or if it's all an act. May I ask why you're afraid of boring people?

 

[Banshe]

Uh because im average looking at best, because im not super smart or funny, and im just kind of sad all the time...

 

[Freyja13]

Uh because im average looking at best, because im not super smart or funny, and im just kind of sad all the time...

Hun are you talking about me or you? xD

But seriously I totally get that. In fact I'm pretty sure I kinda scared off someone I was seeing during the summer cuz I was too sad. I literally couldn't control it. The last time we saw each other I couldn't stop thinking about how bad I wanted to off myself the entire time and it totally destroyed my self confidence and I kinda just retreated in on myself. It was LOUSY to say the least. Something I've learned (or maybe unlearned?) is that you don't have to constantly be entertaining to make friends. That's genuinely a fear of mine. Not being able to make sure my friends have a good time with me. Oftentimes people just want to have a low-key hang out sesh and go for a walk together or grab a coffee or a margarita or something. They want to feel seen and heard. As long as you're doing that and are authentic with them (I know. It's HARD) you can find some good friends. Sometimes it also takes having some trust in the person you're with. They're a capable adult and if they didn't want to be with you or talk to you... well they wouldn't. Sorry, I'm starting to get a little preachy here lol.

I know we don't know each other and are just internet strangers but I have to say I'm enjoying talking with you. I've CHOSEN to talk with you.

 

[Banshe]

Hun are you talking about me or you? xD

But seriously I totally get that. In fact I'm pretty sure I kinda scared off someone I was seeing during the summer cuz I was too sad. I literally couldn't control it. The last time we saw each other I couldn't stop thinking about how bad I wanted to off myself the entire time and it totally destroyed my self confidence and I kinda just retreated in on myself. It was LOUSY to say the least. Something I've learned (or maybe unlearned?) is that you don't have to constantly be entertaining to make friends. That's genuinely a fear of mine. Not being able to make sure my friends have a good time with me. Oftentimes people just want to have a low-key hang out sesh and go for a walk together or grab a coffee or a margarita or something. They want to feel seen and heard. As long as you're doing that and are authentic with them (I know. It's HARD) you can find some good friends. Sometimes it also takes having some trust in the person you're with. They're a capable adult and if they didn't want to be with you or talk to you... well they wouldn't. Sorry, I'm starting to get a little preachy here lol.

I know we don't know each other and are just internet strangers but I have to say I'm enjoying talking with you. I've CHOSEN to talk with you.

Yeah and ive learned that too. but it doesn't stop the fact that my partners will be happier with just the two of them and that way im not such a leech.