I'm dying friday morning so I can stop from hurting anyone again.

[Freyja13]

What do you mean by leech if I may ask?

 

[Banshe]

What do you mean by leech if I may ask?

I'm constantly asking for money, while contributing none. and the one time i found a job, the manager made a joke about how trans people ctb a lot so i quit it.

 

[Freyja13]

I'm constantly asking for money, while contributing none. and the one time i found a job, the manager made a joke about how trans people ctb a lot so i quit it.

That sounds like a pretty valid reason to quit tbh. That manager sounds like a right fucker. Maybe we wouldn't have such high suicide rates if people didn't say shit like that (and worse). I've often described myself as a leech tbh. If you asked my therapist they could confirm lmao. I feel so fucking bad cuz I've had so much financial support.... okay I guess it's not THAT much but honestly compared to the amount of money I make and need it is a lot. I haven't repaid it financially. I don't know why but people somehow think I'm worth it. It's hard to get my head around it. I mean it's no wonder though since I've had so many experiences that have reinforced the belief that I'm not worth nearly as much as any other human being. Being a trans woman, especially given current events, hasn't helped either. But this is something I hear again, and again, and again within the trans community and the greater queer community. This isn't even including intersectionality. We're struggling of no fault of our own. We're attempting to survive in a hostile world that would rather see in dead. We NEED this money to simply survive. It doesn't feel good. God do I know that. But what are the alternatives? Right now you're feeling that the best alternative is death. We should not have to feel like this is our best option for simply existing.

 

[Banshe]

That sounds like a pretty valid reason to quit tbh. That manager sounds like a right fucker. Maybe we wouldn't have such high suicide rates if people didn't say shit like that (and worse). I've often described myself as a leech tbh. If you asked my therapist they could confirm lmao. I feel so fucking bad cuz I've had so much financial support.... okay I guess it's not THAT much but honestly compared to the amount of money I make and need it is a lot. I haven't repaid it financially. I don't know why but people somehow think I'm worth it. It's hard to get my head around it. I mean it's no wonder though since I've had so many experiences that have reinforced the belief that I'm not worth nearly as much as any other human being. Being a trans woman, especially given current events, hasn't helped either. But this is something I hear again, and again, and again within the trans community and the greater queer community. This isn't even including intersectionality. We're struggling of no fault of our own. We're attempting to survive in a hostile world that would rather see in dead. We NEED this money to simply survive. It doesn't feel good. God do I know that. But what are the alternatives? Right now you're feeling that the best alternative is death. We should not have to feel like this is our best option for simply existing.

I agree we shouldn't have to feel this way. I should have to feel this way. But I do

 

[Freyja13]

I agree we shouldn't have to feel this way. I should have to feel this way. But I do

I know. I'm sorry you do. I'm going to head to sleep now but I hope you'll have a peaceful night. It would be nice to talk again. :)

 

[Banshe]

I know. I'm sorry you do. I'm going to head to sleep now but I hope you'll have a peaceful night. It would be nice to talk again. :)

Have a good night.

I will leave updates in this thread.
The lethal limit for sodium azide is anything over 700 mg in total. I plan to mix in 5 grams of sa into distilled water. I think I'll take some ibuprofen half an hour before mixing it to help combat the headache.

Then I will post updates here
took 2 acetaminophen and 2 ibuprofen tablets to combat the upcoming headache that will occur when i mix it

 

[Banshe]

I have it ready

Spoiler: Sodium azide

 

[username8888]

. It's been a pleasure talking to everyone and lurking.

But I still constantly hurt people just by being myself.

I don't know you Dracoliat since I am a new member but make sure your death is painless and efficient as possible. But the way you used the sentences was kind of similar to one of my drawer friend.


Why I will bring this up but I want to share one of my reason to kill myself painlessly for fun. You can judge me if you want.

I have always hated ugliness.

Ugliness. Don't get me wrong it is a totally subjective statement, but for me all anatomies are ugly except juicy smooth clean female/girl/woman anatomy. It would be cool if all the living thing were femaleoid anatomy including.


Before finding me weird let me explain why I made such a statement. Simply, one of my friend is a drawer. Every time I spend time with her, she just draws every living thing, nonliving thing, dogs, bugs, even pizza, as a sexy female shaped creatures. And every time she draws that she makes our day.

She is well-enough drawer but when I see her drawing these creatures I get fascinated by her soul and the total anatomies vibes. And I am like 'damn if it's that cool, I guess after life is kind of like that.' She always draws, clean, juicy, smooth and painless... and sometimes she adds penis to the female creatures... That's another topic--- Don't look at me like that I just like sexy shapes. I mean people judge her the way she draws these bodies but I liked them.

I mean the way she draws make them are believable. Contemporary. And again 'damn if it's that cool and painless, I guess after life is kind of like that.'

If it weren't that shy I would make her share some of her photos but... She is that shy lol :)

 

[Banshe]

Here's another better shot of it all ready.

Spoiler: Sodium azide

I am going to step out for a smoke. Think about everything and if all holds out ill take my meto when I get back in
Im back, i have the bowl in case of vomit, i have my signs ready. I will report in once i take my metoclopramide, at which point i will start a 40 minute timer.

Then i will drink the solution. I have no idea if this will actually work or not. I do have a backup incase i vomit
I'm just enjoying my night with booze, thc, might do some cutting and poppers. i will update here when i take my meto. if no word assume i didn't take it

 

[Banshe]

Hey I know its been a while but I realized i dont need to make this choice now but in 40 minutes, i have taken my metoclopramide
then i will have my answer.
it's 30 minutes until i have to decide to take the sodium azide or not. I can probably fight off the exhaustion for 10 to minutes after that.

I'm having slight exhaustion and visual distortions as I've experienced with metoclopramide before.

 

[Tesha]

Hey. You can decide to take the SA whenever you want, it doesn't have to be in a few minutes. Whether you decide take it now, take it later, or not take it, will be the right answer for you. If you do take the SA, I hope you find peace.

I'm not trying to belittle you or distract from your post, but the first thing I thought when I saw that last picture is how beautiful your nails are; please look after yourself like you clearly look after them.

 

[Banshe]

In the end i cant do it...

 

[puella]

In the end i cant do it...

It's okay. I'm here for you. Do you want to talk? I relate to a lot of what you've said here.

 

[Tesha]

In the end i cant do it..

That's ok. Take care of yourself today

 

[Banshe]

I dknt know why I couldn't do it. But I still want to ctb. I just think there might be a few things worth doing or getting first.

 

[Morgengrauen]

sorry to hear you're still doing so bad after yesterday, hope you give yourself the time you need until you're certain you're ready. It's hard when it doesn't go how you want due to SI, can definetly relate.
Don't beat yourself up too hard over having a failed attempt. Still better then taking the step but ending up feeling regret the entire process.

 

[Freyja13]

Hey. You can decide to take the SA whenever you want, it doesn't have to be in a few minutes. Whether you decide take it now, take it later, or not take it, will be the right answer for you. If you do take the SA, I hope you find peace.

I'm not trying to belittle you or distract from your post, but the first thing I thought when I saw that last picture is how beautiful your nails are; please look after yourself like you clearly look after them.

Omg she does have beautiful nails doesn't she? I wish I could have nails like that but I keep ripping them off when they get long enough. Idk why I do that. Maybe stress? It does feel good though

I dknt know why I couldn't do it. But I still want to ctb. I just think there might be a few things worth doing or getting first.

Hey you! I'm sorry last night and this morning haven't gone so well for you. I'm glad you're still here though. I'm open to talk if you want to.