Hi,
This is my first post here, and is mostly just a vent. I have autism, and this condition really makes the most basic life chores (which most people seem to handle just fine) a constant struggle, especially those that involve dealing and communicating with people. Seems like life is an endless uphill effort for me.
Not only that, but the difficulty in communicating has caused me all kind of problems, for example medical misdiagnoses. I especially suck at oral communication: leaving sentences unfinished, odd choice of words, etc. Often trying to "fix" or improve what I said just ends making things worse.
I have no friends, no 'significant other', no hobbies, very few things interest me. I feel like all days are the same, like trapped in a millstone that just turns endlessly over and over. I'm tired of it all, I'm done with life.
I feel like I've lived enough, I see no point in continuing the same over and over again. Moreover, I feel like indescribable suffering awaits me. I fear life. The only reward is getting to old age, which I absolutely fear. Not only you slowly lose your abilities but, if you live long enough, even your memories decay and degrade. You are no longer yourself. You lose your personality. I've seen that. This absolutely terrifies me, it's cruel. (Although I agree that this does not always occur, there are exceptions. But it's a real possibility nevertheless.)
I've had such suicidal thoughts for a long time, but no serious attempts until now (8/15, four days ago). In a moment of rage I decided to hang myself (FSH). Unfortunately I failed. Don't know exactly what I did wrong, but it was a rushed attempt, I did it in an impulse. My heart was beating fast, my hands were trembling.
I tied the knot (bowline knot), tested it and it apparently held my weight, but it was just a few secs test. Maybe that's the problem. Anyway I tied the noose, put it over my head, pre-tightened it, grabbed the rope and carefully descended myself, then kicked the chair.
I hanged for about 3-4 seconds. I did not feel any pain, only the choking effect. Don't know if there is really no pain or my adrenaline blocked it away, but I felt none. But suddenly I dropped and found myself with my feet touching the floor. I panicked and cut the noose with the emergency scissors (I think it would be impossible to undo it by hand, the noose was still constricting my neck).
Don't know what I did wrong, as the rope was still bound to the anchor after I cut it. Unfortunately I panicked and rushed to undo the setup away, should have taken a pic to study it later. I'll try to recreate the setup and see if I can reproduce it. I guess I should consider myself lucky that at least it did fail quickly (I did not lost conciousness) and I'm not a vegetable.
Anyway I'm a loser. So many people in my region go by hanging, it's the most popular method (I guess worldwide). They managed to do it and set themselves free, I failed. I would be in peace now, instead I have to continue to suffer for now.
This is my first post here, and is mostly just a vent. I have autism, and this condition really makes the most basic life chores (which most people seem to handle just fine) a constant struggle, especially those that involve dealing and communicating with people. Seems like life is an endless uphill effort for me.
Not only that, but the difficulty in communicating has caused me all kind of problems, for example medical misdiagnoses. I especially suck at oral communication: leaving sentences unfinished, odd choice of words, etc. Often trying to "fix" or improve what I said just ends making things worse.
I have no friends, no 'significant other', no hobbies, very few things interest me. I feel like all days are the same, like trapped in a millstone that just turns endlessly over and over. I'm tired of it all, I'm done with life.
I feel like I've lived enough, I see no point in continuing the same over and over again. Moreover, I feel like indescribable suffering awaits me. I fear life. The only reward is getting to old age, which I absolutely fear. Not only you slowly lose your abilities but, if you live long enough, even your memories decay and degrade. You are no longer yourself. You lose your personality. I've seen that. This absolutely terrifies me, it's cruel. (Although I agree that this does not always occur, there are exceptions. But it's a real possibility nevertheless.)
I've had such suicidal thoughts for a long time, but no serious attempts until now (8/15, four days ago). In a moment of rage I decided to hang myself (FSH). Unfortunately I failed. Don't know exactly what I did wrong, but it was a rushed attempt, I did it in an impulse. My heart was beating fast, my hands were trembling.
I tied the knot (bowline knot), tested it and it apparently held my weight, but it was just a few secs test. Maybe that's the problem. Anyway I tied the noose, put it over my head, pre-tightened it, grabbed the rope and carefully descended myself, then kicked the chair.
I hanged for about 3-4 seconds. I did not feel any pain, only the choking effect. Don't know if there is really no pain or my adrenaline blocked it away, but I felt none. But suddenly I dropped and found myself with my feet touching the floor. I panicked and cut the noose with the emergency scissors (I think it would be impossible to undo it by hand, the noose was still constricting my neck).
Don't know what I did wrong, as the rope was still bound to the anchor after I cut it. Unfortunately I panicked and rushed to undo the setup away, should have taken a pic to study it later. I'll try to recreate the setup and see if I can reproduce it. I guess I should consider myself lucky that at least it did fail quickly (I did not lost conciousness) and I'm not a vegetable.
Anyway I'm a loser. So many people in my region go by hanging, it's the most popular method (I guess worldwide). They managed to do it and set themselves free, I failed. I would be in peace now, instead I have to continue to suffer for now.
Last edited:
