I'm doing it tomorrow.

[notsociallywired]

Hi everyone. I think this is my first post that isn't a reply to another thread.

I have had social anxiety since I can remember, it has ruined my life and has always made me feel quite depressed. My fight or flight that comes from my SA makes me my own worst enemy and I end up doing self destructive things, it is always flight for me. My latest and biggest flight, which was last year quitting a grad job, has made me feel hopeless and suicidal ever since. I have tried medication and therapy, but I have always felt doomed and have always sensed it will come to this one day. Like all my self destructive fuck ups have lead to the final irreversible fuck up of killing myself, and I've made peace with that for a while now.

I'm posting this so that I've put it out there and it will be harder to turn back. I don't want to turn back, I don't want convincing. I just need to write it down before I do it, because lately I've had second thoughts that are mainly me being emotional and sentimental, but I always manage to logic myself into realising its the only way out. I'm hoping I dont back out and that in the moment, I remain strong. I never carry through with anything and this is the one thing I know I need to see through.

Sorry for the rant, I'm not really sure why I'm posting it here because it is purely for me, but I just need something solid out there to make me not turn back.

I am choosing full suspension, I have something sturdy to tie to. I only have limited times to do it since I dont live alone and need enough time to not be found. I can't leave it any later, which is what I used to tell myself when contemplating suicide before. So I have no excuses.

Wish me luck :)

 

[WornOutLife]

I'm really sorry life has brought you to this point.

Wish you a peaceful journey and lots of love!

 

[NormaJeane]

Of course we all need to discuss our own death here when it is not possible to talk about it with people. I wish death was not taboo in the society - it should not be. I wish the best for you and a lot of love from me.

 

[notsociallywired]

Of course we all need to discuss our own death here when it is not possible to talk about it with people. I wish death was not taboo in the society - it should not be. I wish the best for you and a lot of love from me.

Thank you. I do find it weird and so unrealistic how everyone thinks suicidal people should and could be saved. Maybe sometimes people can be, but nobody knows what is going on in other peoples lives to know for sure that they are better off alive. Its a selfish and lazy assumption in my opinion. People would rather others be alive and suffer for them, even if those suicidal people are just background characters in their lives? It doesn't make sense to me when the main character doesn't want to be there lol

 

[idontknow42]

I know you said that you don't want any convincing, but as someone who also suffers ALOT from SA, I want to share my idea. Have you thought about possibly moving city or country? To an environment where you are completely unknown and don't feel completely watched/you won't care (as much) what others think, they're random people in a big city, in a country you're not even from. This is the only thing making me try to hold on a bit longer so I can move and try out this idea. What do you think? You can always come back to this option if it doesn't work out.

 

[notsociallywired]

I know you said that you don't want any convincing, but as someone who also suffers ALOT from SA, I want to share my idea. Have you thought about possibly moving city or country? To an environment where you are completely unknown and don't feel completely watched/you won't care (as much) what others think, they're random people in a big city, in a country you're not even from. This is the only thing making me try to hold on a bit longer so I can move and try out this idea. What do you think? You can always come back to this option if it doesn't work out.

Hi, I did think about putting in my original post if anybody else suffers from SA like this too to hear from like minded people.

Tbh at every new step in my life (new school, new sixth form, new uni, new job etc) I have always hoped that I would be able to start fresh and be who I want to be not how I believe myself to be perceived as beforehand. But it has never worked for me. I have always reverted back to the shell of a person I am and as a person, I probably haven't differed from who I was at 14 to who I am now, nearly a decade later. There is something inherent about my SA and how I perceive myself and the world that I just can't budge.

Plus, there are logistics. I have a long term bf who I would plan to move out with if I stayed, who wouldn't want to isolate himself as much as that plan would require. He has a lot of family/friends I would have to see, and I have 2 family members I would have to see also.

Thank you for reaching out to me though. If it feels like i have an answer to everything it's because I've tried to ask myself questions to stay but I can't figure out any feasible way.

 

[alown]

life is not life here anyway, we are only passing through to suffer in one way or another, I wish you a pleasant journey to the land of eternal love and light if your decision does not change

 

[rs929]

How old are you OP? Not trying to invalidate you or anything but you sound pretty young. Would you still choose this path if you weren't so sad? Hugs
EDIT: I calculate you're 22-23 years old is that correct?

 

[notsociallywired]

Hi everyone. A bit disappointed and also relieved. I've woken up in a completely different mindset (this happens often to me, but I always end up resorting back to feeling suicidal soon after) but this feels almost like a revelation. I hope it sticks and it feels different to my other positive mood swings. Sorry for getting everyone's hopes up I feel a bit silly now. I may well be back but I won't be making a premature announcement like that again lol ffs. Is anybody else like this? I know a lot of people here idealise about suicide which I do to an extent, but does anybody else go through these extreme mood swings where it almost feels like whiplash?

 

[Ashley_1988]

Hi everyone. A bit disappointed and also relieved. I've woken up in a completely different mindset (this happens often to me, but I always end up resorting back to feeling suicidal soon after) but this feels almost like a revelation. I hope it sticks and it feels different to my other positive mood swings. Sorry for getting everyone's hopes up I feel a bit silly now. I may well be back but I won't be making a premature announcement like that again lol ffs. Is anybody else like this? I know a lot of people here idealise about suicide which I do to an extent, but does anybody else go through these extreme mood swings where it almost feels like whiplash?

you have never to feel for not ctb!, it is totally good that u did not go though with it cause u were obviously not ready...And i hope the best for u, but never feel like u have to do something in order to proof a point. Don´t set yourself under that kind of pressure, life is hard enough without blaming yourself. Take care

 

[Tree frog]

Hey that's wonderful to read you woke up feeling like that. The only hopes anyone would have I'm sure is you wouldn't do it if it doesn't feel right. So im very happy to read your update. Sounds really positive. Im sure things are still really hard no doubt but I'm really happy for you to have such a positive feeling today.
I can relate to the mood swings. Sounds like yours are quite full on though which must be hard. Glad your still with us

 

[exitbag.ftw]

I can relate a lot with what you said about SA and the way you feel. I struggle with that since I was a little kid. It started to ruined my life during teenage years where all my friends had outgoing personalities and I was the only introverted/shy person. I felt I wasn't part of the group and that killed my self steem sooo hard. Then I gradually became depressed and, as you said, living inside a shell.

I moved out of my parents home to attend university and for some months I had a great time. But as someone who suffers from SA I didn't have close friends and that brought me to the lowest point. I tried to ctb. I didn't seek help and I regret that A LOT. Things could be tottally different now if I had asked my parents for me to see a doctor or a therapist. But I didn't.

I have no ideia how I managed to get the degree and even a job. But as I didn't managed to cope with my SA, the problem continued. Just before the pandemic started I quitted a job with a great salary. All because I coudn't deal with the people. It wasn't a bad place to work, but my SA kicked so hard. I was living by myself at the time and had to move back to my parents.

I want you to know that you are not alone and that I'm glad you are feeling better.

 

[wanttodie]

good luck

 

[BehindTheWall]

Glad you're still with us.

Take care of you!