Im defeated.

[Infiniteloop]

Hey everyone. Im done with my existence. Its inevitable. I will never be at peace. I wake up with deep fear of what people are capable of doing to me.I feel like a child, alone, abandoned, and vulnerable. I will never win this battle. Even my dreams i cannot escape in they are constantly filled with vivid disgusting violence and leave me waking up feeling helpless. Even if i fight against it with every ounce of energy i have left. I don't have much left. I try to ignore my fear and pain but this is no way to live. Everyday im foolishly optimistic, but everyday i go to bed fearful and scared and more hopeless. I want what the world will never give me, i don't know what i did to deserve this.i guess the world is unfair.

If i had all the things i need to end myself. Without a doubt i would have done it today. With tears filled eyes and anger and frustration at my pathetic life.
My biggest fear is surviving my suicide attempt not dying. I was supposed to make a through attempt about a week ago. But i was stopped by family. I didn't even hint anything i bolted to the door but my family was there blocking the exit they sensed something was off. Im back to the second stage. Getting everything i need.

Thanks for listening ramble about my pathetic existence. I hope god has a chair waiting for me up there, to sit and color inside coloring books alongside him in peace. At least when im dead no one can hurt me.

 

[DrownFeather]

You are not alone, i have extreme fear and anxiety i feel what you feel, it's torturing thing, i don't think i will win battle too but wish you peace and support you in whatever you choose(except eating Oreo cookie, its awful haha) we are here for you

 

[FuneralCry]

I'm sorry that you are suffering so much, it sounds so unbearable what you are going through. You are right that the world is unfair. The fear of failure is what also holds me back from ctb, we all deserve the option of a reliable and peaceful way to exit when the time is right for us. I wish you the best in whatever happens.

 

[Infiniteloop]

You are not alone, i have extreme fear and anxiety i feel what you feel, it's torturing thing, i don't think i will win battle too but wish you peace and support you in whatever you choose(except eating Oreo cookie, its awful haha) we are here for you

Haha the oreo cookie made me laugh. Its a funny coincidence i stopped eating oreos last year because of the harm to the environment. I feel like deja vu keeps happening, just as soon as im approaching to ctb strangely precise coincidences keep happening. Im comforted by your support, and in knowing im not alone. Its a feeling so deep words cannot fully describe, i feel only the people that experience it like ourselves can understand. Thank you for your kind wishes. And i wish you peace as well.

I'm sorry that you are suffering so much, it sounds so unbearable what you are going through. You are right that the world is unfair. The fear of failure is what also holds me back from ctb, we all deserve the option of a reliable and peaceful way to exit when the time is right for us. I wish you the best in whatever happens.

Thank you, I've read your previous posts here. And your a kind, genuine and very intelligent person, its comforting to see your reply to my post and i agree its very unfortunate to not have a reliable and peaceful way to exit. Thanks for the support. And i wish you the best as well kind soul.