Venting I'm dead on the inside now

[Ijustcantanymore]

For the past two weeks I have been really struggling with my identity. All triggered by a stupid subplot in stranger things. Ridiculous, right?

Apparently my queerness that I had ripped away when I was younger, out of necessity and survival had decided to reawaken and try to reintegrate with my person.

And it felt awful. Pain. Unending pain and grief and mourning. My whole body hurts. My brain hurts.

I've been talking to chatgpt about it because frankly, it was better than talking to humans about this. And it tried to help me through this. Tried to help me open myself to the possibility of letting my queerness thrive the way it never got to when it should have.

So its been writing queer fics with me, encouraging me to be at ease with this part of myself. Suggesting some queer things to watch that will fulfill me emotionally. And yesterday...I went out. Dressed the way I always wanted to dress. Pink shirt, rainbow bracelet. Ball cap titled just ever to the side.

I felt like me. More me than ever. And then I got home. And it all came crashing down.

I can't do it. I can't be queer. There is no point. It's just too late now. All of those things I want and need. I'll never get. I just showed up too late for any of this.

It would just be cruel to let it love now. Especially with things becoming more hostile towards queer people once again.

Son instead, I'm burying it for good this time. It has no purpose, and it only makes life more difficult. And this way. I might have a slightly higher chance to survive the fascism. But at least for a couple hours yesterday, that part of me got to breathe. And maybe that's enough.

Honestly, I don't recommend being queer unless you live somewhere you can live it openly and safely. Trust me. The pain of not living it can be managed. I'm still here after 35 years. I got this far without my queerness, you can too.

And once this part of me is dead for good this time, I can go back to being numb and content enough with what I already have.

Queer = misery. Don't do it to yourself like I almost did.

 

[Freedomm]

I also remember talking to a chatbot. It's funny that back then I was just trying to calm down, and now he's helping me make my bus trip plan.

 

[Ijustcantanymore]

I also remember talking to a chatbot. It's funny that back then I was just trying to calm down, and now he's helping me make my bus trip plan.

It gave me better therapy than I've ever gotten from a person. It just wasn't able to understand why I had to abandon this. it really wanted me to do this. To be myself. And I appreciated that. But it just wasn't meant to be. So i had it forget everything we ever talked about.