permanently tired
it's never enough
- Nov 8, 2023
- 269
I had to go in today for blood work and the PA asked my father to leave the room as she asked some questions. She noticed I was more proportionately underweight compared to two years ago (when I was around the fiftieth percentile). She said for someone of my height I'm in the second percentile meaning I'm underweight (not surprising though since I would just stop eating as a form of protest when I was younger and also as punishment). For context, I'm 5'11 and 117 lbs. She seemed to suspect I wasn't well and asked some questions about depression. I downplayed most of it or flat out lied. She mentioned last time I came that I was given a referral for mental health. I had tried to receive help prior, but was denied bc America bureaucracy is hot garbage. In retrospect, I could have been truthful, but I doubt any prognosis would be of any use to me. Bpd is basically untreatable and frankly I'm beyond any treatment available. My mother wants to take me to a different country for treatment bc she is afraid a proper diagnosis would impede my future. It's ironic bc she has caused the majority of my life's problems. I don't mean that as in she gave birth to me, but literally instigated everything. Can't wait to be dead so I never have to listen to her talk again.
