Story I'm beyond help so I lied

[permanently tired]

I had to go in today for blood work and the PA asked my father to leave the room as she asked some questions. She noticed I was more proportionately underweight compared to two years ago (when I was around the fiftieth percentile). She said for someone of my height I'm in the second percentile meaning I'm underweight (not surprising though since I would just stop eating as a form of protest when I was younger and also as punishment). For context, I'm 5'11 and 117 lbs. She seemed to suspect I wasn't well and asked some questions about depression. I downplayed most of it or flat out lied. She mentioned last time I came that I was given a referral for mental health. I had tried to receive help prior, but was denied bc America bureaucracy is hot garbage. In retrospect, I could have been truthful, but I doubt any prognosis would be of any use to me. Bpd is basically untreatable and frankly I'm beyond any treatment available. My mother wants to take me to a different country for treatment bc she is afraid a proper diagnosis would impede my future. It's ironic bc she has caused the majority of my life's problems. I don't mean that as in she gave birth to me, but literally instigated everything. Can't wait to be dead so I never have to listen to her talk again.

 

[ImTelling]

Aye, BPD is a curse. If we had something like bipolar or schizotypal symptoms then maybe we could be treated but BPD is so stigmatized that we will never get any help.

The only cure seems to be Death. Awkward, embarrassing, stupid Death. Good luck with whatever you do.