I recently found out my husband has a harem of webcam women he spends 99% of his life talking to.
He needs to get a job but turns them down because of this addiction. It's like I was with codeine and benzos, it becomes the only thing that matters in your life, your next fix.
He has no control over his emotions and cried for two days over one of them last week.
I also found out he has sent them intimate pictures of himself.
He has tried to crush my spirit, but I am forced to live here as I have NOWHERE else to go. I do NOT want to live here anymore, but I have no money and no way out of this situation. I have been trying to find one for a long time now, and keep hitting the same brick walls.
He says once his money has all gone, money has had to beg my mum for, that he will walk out, so my only hope is to try and cut this money off, convince my mum not to pay him another penny, and let him walk out. I think this may be feasible. He has NO idea who I even am anymore, and how much damage he has done. I don't show how I feel, I don't walk around the house crying, that's not me.
It's mainly since the benzo withdrawal, I am not the person I was before that, I cannot hide behind drugs anymore, I am still facing the very reason I did that to myself, and that was to make the unlivable, livable.
I'm only still here thanks to one friend of mine who lives 500 miles away (otherwise I think we would probably be something by now, I really do like him, I don't think he knows or even feels the same way, but I do) I can talk to and for lack of a decent plan to ctb.
I do want to ctb, but I will no doubt screw that up too. I was going to make sure he didn't find me, mainly for the sake of my poor innocent dog, but now he can, if I do this, he will find me, I will make sure he has to live with that forever. I know this sounds horrible, but it wouldn't come close to what he has done to me.
My biggest fantasy is not winning the lottery, having a big house, marrying a billionaire, owning ten luxury cars or whatever, my biggest fantasies are to one be dead, always wondered what that's like, or two, get out of this place, that's it, I have never asked for a lot. I often wonder what that would feel like, and if I am going to CTB, I will make sure I find out by leaving for a day, and pretending I left for good, stupid I know, but I want to know what it would feel like to not have to come back home to this each time I go out, which isn't very often now I must admit.
Maybe even if I got out, the damage from the benzo withdrawal and this never ending prison sentence may just be too much for me after all, and I would still land up ctb, but at least I'd know for sure, it is looking like I never will know if this would have been possible, to live on my own, I am a survivor, I would have no problems with it physically. I do not need anyone else, period.
I don't get it, I survived the most horrific thing, the cold turkey benzo withdrawal, something that no human being is equipped to survive, just to land up like this anyway. The benzo withdrawal changed the very person I am, I went from being really 'needy' and 'emotional' to someone who is very strong, mentally anyway, logical and stoic. I learned how to react to situations and happenings better, and told myself that while I cannot change the situation itself, I can try and change how I react to it.
Also if there is one thing I DO understand, it is anyone who is in any kind of suffering. I understand you, I do not care what ails you, I get it, chronic pain, mental illness, I understand you now. I empathise with you.
Yes this used to be good, I did once love him like he was the last guy on Earth, but things change, people change, health problems come and that's the mainstay of this, this STUPID STUPID STUPID spinal condition of his has wrecked both of our lives to be fair.
I was thinking I could get some money whoring myself on the internet while he sleeps 15 + hours a day and use that to get out, I mean if he can do it, why can't I?. Sex sells, may as well sell the only thing of any value I have and use it against him. I'm not that attractive, but hey, tits are tits and pussy is pussy right?
He needs to get a job but turns them down because of this addiction. It's like I was with codeine and benzos, it becomes the only thing that matters in your life, your next fix.
He has no control over his emotions and cried for two days over one of them last week.
I also found out he has sent them intimate pictures of himself.
He has tried to crush my spirit, but I am forced to live here as I have NOWHERE else to go. I do NOT want to live here anymore, but I have no money and no way out of this situation. I have been trying to find one for a long time now, and keep hitting the same brick walls.
He says once his money has all gone, money has had to beg my mum for, that he will walk out, so my only hope is to try and cut this money off, convince my mum not to pay him another penny, and let him walk out. I think this may be feasible. He has NO idea who I even am anymore, and how much damage he has done. I don't show how I feel, I don't walk around the house crying, that's not me.
It's mainly since the benzo withdrawal, I am not the person I was before that, I cannot hide behind drugs anymore, I am still facing the very reason I did that to myself, and that was to make the unlivable, livable.
I'm only still here thanks to one friend of mine who lives 500 miles away (otherwise I think we would probably be something by now, I really do like him, I don't think he knows or even feels the same way, but I do) I can talk to and for lack of a decent plan to ctb.
I do want to ctb, but I will no doubt screw that up too. I was going to make sure he didn't find me, mainly for the sake of my poor innocent dog, but now he can, if I do this, he will find me, I will make sure he has to live with that forever. I know this sounds horrible, but it wouldn't come close to what he has done to me.
My biggest fantasy is not winning the lottery, having a big house, marrying a billionaire, owning ten luxury cars or whatever, my biggest fantasies are to one be dead, always wondered what that's like, or two, get out of this place, that's it, I have never asked for a lot. I often wonder what that would feel like, and if I am going to CTB, I will make sure I find out by leaving for a day, and pretending I left for good, stupid I know, but I want to know what it would feel like to not have to come back home to this each time I go out, which isn't very often now I must admit.
Maybe even if I got out, the damage from the benzo withdrawal and this never ending prison sentence may just be too much for me after all, and I would still land up ctb, but at least I'd know for sure, it is looking like I never will know if this would have been possible, to live on my own, I am a survivor, I would have no problems with it physically. I do not need anyone else, period.
I don't get it, I survived the most horrific thing, the cold turkey benzo withdrawal, something that no human being is equipped to survive, just to land up like this anyway. The benzo withdrawal changed the very person I am, I went from being really 'needy' and 'emotional' to someone who is very strong, mentally anyway, logical and stoic. I learned how to react to situations and happenings better, and told myself that while I cannot change the situation itself, I can try and change how I react to it.
Also if there is one thing I DO understand, it is anyone who is in any kind of suffering. I understand you, I do not care what ails you, I get it, chronic pain, mental illness, I understand you now. I empathise with you.
Yes this used to be good, I did once love him like he was the last guy on Earth, but things change, people change, health problems come and that's the mainstay of this, this STUPID STUPID STUPID spinal condition of his has wrecked both of our lives to be fair.
I was thinking I could get some money whoring myself on the internet while he sleeps 15 + hours a day and use that to get out, I mean if he can do it, why can't I?. Sex sells, may as well sell the only thing of any value I have and use it against him. I'm not that attractive, but hey, tits are tits and pussy is pussy right?
