Venting im begging the universe to give me a deep connection relationship

[catbunny]

I've felt so fucking lonely since the first day of university.

Back in high school, even when I wanted to be alone, I was never really alone. I still had people around me because we saw each other every single day, sat in the same classroom, talked between classes, went places together. It was just automatic. I never had to think about whether I'd have someone to talk to the next day.

But now everything feels so individual. Everyone has their own schedules, their own lives, their own people. And somehow, I feel like I'm constantly surrounded by people while still being completely alone.

It's not like I don't have friends. I do. But nothing feels deep. Nothing feels secure. Everything just feels so empty, and I feel so disconnected from everyone and everything around me. And I feel pathetic for clinging onto people this much. I hate how scared I am of losing them because I know that if I do, I'll be left alone. That genuinely scares me.

And friends are already one thing, but don't even get me started on dating and relationships. Fuck. How am I this pathetic? People keep saying, "Just focus on yourself," or "Why do you need a partner when you already have friends?" And yeah, I fucking know. But I am desperate for that kind of connection. I want someone who actually feels close to me. Someone I can be completely comfortable with. Someone who chooses me and stays. And honestly, I don't even feel like I have that many genuinely close friends to begin with, so why the fuck can't I want a relationship too? And you don't even understand how weird this feels to me because I used to be well-known? Social? I don't even know what to call it. I used to constantly have some kind of situationship going on. I swear I wasn't trying to be a player or treat people like shit. Things just happened, people came and went, and somehow I was always talking to someone.
And now?
Eight fucking months. Eight months without a single relationship or situationship. WTF. It sounds so stupid when I say it out loud, but after being used to constantly having someone there, suddenly having absolutely no one feels like such a huge fucking void. And on top of that, I feel like I'm losing friendships too. It's killing me.

I want a deep connection so badly. Whether it's friendship or a relationship, I just want something that actually feels real. Something where I don't constantly feel like I'm one step away from being forgotten or replaced.

And I don't know what the fuck is wrong with me. I've tried. I really have. I've tried meeting people, getting closer to people, putting myself out there, distracting myself, focusing on myself, telling myself I don't need anyone. But I still feel lonely. I still want someone. And I hate that I can't seem to make that happen.

I don't even know what I'm supposed to do anymore. I just know that I'm tired of feeling this fucking empty.

 

[DeathSweetDeath]

You cannot beg. Begging makes you a beggar, and that's not what you are, so never beg. Begging doesn't attract, it repels. Let's say you love butterflies (or cats, or bunnies, or whatever) and you'd like one to come to you. If you see one you like and you chase it, It'll fly away. If you beg it, that will be equally ineffective. But if you grow a garden that would be a good & healthy environment for butterflies, filled with the things that butterflies like, you'll start attracting butterflies. This may seem oversimplified, but work on yourself first, love and respect yourself first. Take whatever steps you need to to start being the best version of yourself. Do the inner work, become the (emotionally) healthiest version of yourself, learn to be ok vibing alone for a while. Learn to enjoy your own company. Begging the universe for something only pushes it further away. Never beg, never chase, only attract.

 

[pepperfarmer]

You should be very careful. Being desperate for a romantic relationship will bring you places you wouldn't normally go even with a gun.

 

[Hollowman]

The universe can't care.

 

[valar_morghulis21]

This is universal experience esp for young adults. I myself also. Unfortunately the only way is through, you gotta learn to be at peace with yourself, and be alone. Otherwise you will end up settle for friendship and relationship that eventually suck the life out of you. It's not worth it. Advice like join a club or organization sounds tedious but that's the only way you get to meet people consistently. Lots of people are malicious and transactional, and they can sniff the loneliness and they will exploit you if you aren't careful. We need connection but connection comes with a price. Protect your peace above all. Wish you the best

 

[Pluto]

 

[catbunny]

my miso does that too he slept on my pillow last night

 

[fantasticalreality]

a lot of what you wrote resonated with me very deeply. its hard to bridge the gap between casual almost acquaintance like friendship and true authentic connection. I've always felt sort of alien like, not in any cool outsider way, just in a way in which i can never fully reach people or feel connected. it feels like they never see the real me, but at the same time, i dont think there is a "real" me. just a collection of thoughts and actions. Being lonely is hard to admit to people, i remember reading that people are much more comfortable admitting theyre depressed or sad rather than "lonely" because theres a certain level of rawness to admitting you are not in fact above your primal social needs even in an age of "self love is the best love" and "you need to be happy on your own first". We arent programmed that way. I think some people have a much harder time navigating through friendships on a wavelength or instinctual level. Even in situations where i didnt know anyone and everyone was on equal terms, these subtle groups would still form. The popular likeable people that seem to be magnetized towards one another and the unlikeable or awkward people that gravitate towards each other. I came on this site tonight because I have things I want to say and people I want to talk and do things with but after checking every website, every app, every social media inbox, i realized i dont have anyone in this moment, not in a real way. Although loneliness is a terrible feeling, i always remind myself that when you feel alone you are feeling alone beside all the other lonely people out there. The first time i heard that it was worded better, and it stuck with me. When im sad and alone with no one to talk to i go outside for a few minutes and stare up at the moon. and i think about all the other people looking up at it too, even people that feel as desperately, uniquely, and intensely lonely as I do. Let me know if you ever need someone to talk to about this stuff, its a lot easier to in an environment like this where rawness and negative feelings are the norm.

 

[literallynoone]

I've felt so fucking lonely since the first day of university.

Back in high school, even when I wanted to be alone, I was never really alone. I still had people around me because we saw each other every single day, sat in the same classroom, talked between classes, went places together. It was just automatic. I never had to think about whether I'd have someone to talk to the next day.

But now everything feels so individual. Everyone has their own schedules, their own lives, their own people. And somehow, I feel like I'm constantly surrounded by people while still being completely alone.

It's not like I don't have friends. I do. But nothing feels deep. Nothing feels secure. Everything just feels so empty, and I feel so disconnected from everyone and everything around me. And I feel pathetic for clinging onto people this much. I hate how scared I am of losing them because I know that if I do, I'll be left alone. That genuinely scares me.

And friends are already one thing, but don't even get me started on dating and relationships. Fuck. How am I this pathetic? People keep saying, "Just focus on yourself," or "Why do you need a partner when you already have friends?" And yeah, I fucking know. But I am desperate for that kind of connection. I want someone who actually feels close to me. Someone I can be completely comfortable with. Someone who chooses me and stays. And honestly, I don't even feel like I have that many genuinely close friends to begin with, so why the fuck can't I want a relationship too? And you don't even understand how weird this feels to me because I used to be well-known? Social? I don't even know what to call it. I used to constantly have some kind of situationship going on. I swear I wasn't trying to be a player or treat people like shit. Things just happened, people came and went, and somehow I was always talking to someone.
And now?
Eight fucking months. Eight months without a single relationship or situationship. WTF. It sounds so stupid when I say it out loud, but after being used to constantly having someone there, suddenly having absolutely no one feels like such a huge fucking void. And on top of that, I feel like I'm losing friendships too. It's killing me.

I want a deep connection so badly. Whether it's friendship or a relationship, I just want something that actually feels real. Something where I don't constantly feel like I'm one step away from being forgotten or replaced.

And I don't know what the fuck is wrong with me. I've tried. I really have. I've tried meeting people, getting closer to people, putting myself out there, distracting myself, focusing on myself, telling myself I don't need anyone. But I still feel lonely. I still want someone. And I hate that I can't seem to make that happen.

I don't even know what I'm supposed to do anymore. I just know that I'm tired of feeling this fucking empty.

Wish I could give you any words of advice but I can't. Only thing I can say is I feel exactly and I mean EXACTLY the same. You've described what I've felt for the last 5 years to the T. Only time I've really felt heard and like someone gave a fuck was when I had a complete meltdown last year and me and my sister had a heart to heart. And once I got into a relationship I've realized it didn't fix that feeling at all, besides maybe just having someone to hug and cuddle with. I feel you dawg, I really do. Best of luck

 

[sadbh—itstimetogo🤎]

You cannot beg. Begging makes you a beggar, and that's not what you are, so never beg. Begging doesn't attract, it repels. Let's say you love butterflies (or cats, or bunnies, or whatever) and you'd like one to come to you. If you see one you like and you chase it, It'll fly away. If you beg it, that will be equally ineffective. But if you grow a garden that would be a good & healthy environment for butterflies, filled with the things that butterflies like, you'll start attracting butterflies. This may seem oversimplified, but work on yourself first, love and respect yourself first. Take whatever steps you need to to start being the best version of yourself. Do the inner work, become the (emotionally) healthiest version of yourself, learn to be ok vibing alone for a while. Learn to enjoy your own company. Begging the universe for something only pushes it further away. Never beg, never chase, only attract.

Agree, though much easier said than done to become a decent partner if you're not one already.

You should be very careful. Being desperate for a romantic relationship will bring you places you wouldn't normally go even with a gun.

Absolutely. It's pretty dangerous imo to get involved in romantic relationships when you're mentally unstable. So many abusive relationships begin because a vulnerable person didn't notice red flags (don't mean to victim blame).

The universe can't care.

Yes. I also feel like maybe the desire to be cared for dulls with age/time. It's pretty brutal to want love and not be able to get it as a young adult.

I think my only advice is to get busy. It's so much easier to manage mental health when you can't dwell on it. And, good friendships can almost be as emotionally fulfilling as romance.

Don't forget to be the person you want in your life. You don't really deserve someone to pour into you and save you if you're not already doing that for others.

 

[19-21-8-5-14-25]

Feeling desperation is honestly beautiful. Maybe it's a cope, but I keep telling myself that it makes me feel more human than those that don't feel these biological/social needs ingrained into humans.

In my opinion you don't have to have negative connotations with desperation. It's really something lacking in humans in general, not even on the relationship aspect. Desperation is a power that can be put to use and harnessed into drive and that drive can ascend you as a person and I wish this species would use it to ascend as a civilisation, but alas we must never show this vulnerability or all is lost (in their minds) unfortunately.

Just be careful with rash decisions and those that want to exploit your desperation. But I am a rare human (honestly don't think I am human with how most humans are) that appreciates desperation.

 

[Off_Switch]

As an adult, you don't usually start making friends until you start working. So, I would consider getting a part time job or putting your head down and knocking out uni so you can move to your career and start working ASAP. If neither of these is an option, then you'll probably have to scrub the internet for clubs and interest groups for things you like.