Venting im bad at titling these things

[thegreatminderaser]

howdy again. things are bad once again. not that things got much better since i left, i felt better for a bit but now i'm here because i don't know how to reach out for help. or maybe i do, i just don't like doing it. theres a lot less pressure telling a bunch of strangers online that i'm suicidal since everyone feels the same and nobody really cares (in the sense theres no major emotional reaction or urging to go to the er)

its taken me a bit to post this because every time i post i feel guilty, like i'm taking up space on that server that stores this whole website, as though there's no room to post? i hate my stupid fucking self obsessed brain that's always focused on me and convincing myself anything bad is my fault. i'm so tired.

 

[wordsoutb4sumnelsin]

Questioning help and self are such human things... Not having chosen to be born, need it be a wonder when we have to struggle with HUMAN things?... Easy to not be able to love ourselves. For what little it's worth, I appreciate these small connections I've already made simply reading posts here. Glad to write SOMETHING back... FWIW...

 

[thegreatminderaser]

im replying to this because it feels quieter and like i'm not taking up too much space whining since its my own post. my meds have worn off and i can never format my vent posts because they're streams of consciousness that i write out so they're just gonna be like this. i'm incapable of making a concise point

anyways i talked to one of my coworkers today about being suicidal after he talked about seeing a bookmark on a client's computer about suicide by jumping and that got me thinking about looking at suicide more seriously again. idk i know i Could potentially improve my life (i have serious doubts on my ability to build a happier life, i'm barely holding my shit together as is) but it all feels so useless. why should i try? sure, it's not too late for me, but i'd rather just be a corpse. just wipe the slate clean. its like when you fuck up so fantastically in a game you'd rather just reset instead of working what you've been given. i know (assume) i'm not getting a second chance, but i feel so lonely and like such a fuck up that it's just easier to just give up and die. i don't want to work with what i have.

Questioning help and self are such human things... Not having chosen to be born, need it be a wonder when we have to struggle with HUMAN things?... Easy to not be able to love ourselves. For what little it's worth, I appreciate these small connections I've already made simply reading posts here. Glad to write SOMETHING back... FWIW...

it's nice to hear from you, even if all you have to share is your thoughts. i always treat posting here like i'm yelling into the void, but it's nice when the void replies. being seen helps

 

[wordsoutb4sumnelsin]

Similar stuff about being "too whiny, in the way, a burden" came up recently with my sis. For reasons, I called her dumb and ugly and whatnot when we were kids. Took a long time to realize she truly internalized my dumbass hurt of her. Tried so much for years to rectify the wounding I caused. Reminding her of her beauty, that she is absolutely not dumb. Since we started watching anime together once she finally got to like puberty age, hell no, all I felt was love. In no way was she a burden or any of that shit...

Recently she was the only one kinda able to listen to me about wanting to die. But a past ex and a couple others having CTB, we hit a limit. But the limit ended up looping around, with her still feeling like a burden... I was just feeling sorry for AGAIN hurting her, in every way. Me not being able to have kept my shit to myself... I just felt like the POS... We both just got caught in our past traumas, even with our only sibling, that we both agreed there has been so much love we built into...

She might still be feeling her thing, as I've continued to feel mine: prefer to keep distance so that if/when I decide, it can hopefully be any bit less painful... All this to say, I doubt you're too much, take up too much space. Honestly, likely some shitty adults that hurt you when you were still developing. Someone shoulda taught you by giving you LOVE, just that simple. Hey, how about this? As my sis was so big about, Epstein and MFers like that. How many TRULY EVIL MFers are there? Like, we can point at them! Truly curious, can you truly compare?

 

[thegreatminderaser]

Similar stuff about being "too whiny, in the way, a burden" came up recently with my sis. For reasons, I called her dumb and ugly and whatnot when we were kids. Took a long time to realize she truly internalized my dumbass hurt of her. Tried so much for years to rectify the wounding I caused. Reminding her of her beauty, that she is absolutely not dumb. Since we started watching anime together once she finally got to like puberty age, hell no, all I felt was love. In no way was she a burden or any of that shit...

Recently she was the only one kinda able to listen to me about wanting to die. But a past ex and a couple others having CTB, we hit a limit. But the limit ended up looping around, with her still feeling like a burden... I was just feeling sorry for AGAIN hurting her, in every way. Me not being able to have kept my shit to myself... I just felt like the POS... We both just got caught in our past traumas, even with our only sibling, that we both agreed there has been so much love we built into...

She might still be feeling her thing, as I've continued to feel mine: prefer to keep distance so that if/when I decide, it can hopefully be any bit less painful... All this to say, I doubt you're too much, take up too much space. Honestly, likely some shitty adults that hurt you when you were still developing. Someone shoulda taught you by giving you LOVE, just that simple. Hey, how about this? As my sis was so big about, Epstein and MFers like that. How many TRULY EVIL MFers are there? Like, we can point at them! Truly curious, can you truly compare?

saying things like that when you're young is normal - not good, but normal if you're traumatized. have you ever said "i said these things because i was a fucked up kid, and none of it was ever your fault"? reminding her of that whenever she describes herself as a burden or otherwise might be good, even if its just to make up for what you did. i don't think you can take the entire responsibility of her viewing herself this way, it sounds like she has more going on

& lmao no i don't think i'm evil as a pedophile pimp, it's a pretty low bar. i don't think i'm evil, just self-obsessed, self-pitying & likely ignorant of the privileges and joys i have. i don't think i'm a bad person (most of the time), just not particularly good at anything or functional. it's not about being the worst, it's more about not being happy or satisfied with the way i am

 

[wordsoutb4sumnelsin]

hehe yep neither me or the sis are that young anymore, and perfect! exactly, that's what both I've said to her and her knowing things are complicated too... and damn, im having to stop myself from being mr. therapist. gotta say at least that I've worked with plenty people with these qualities, and ITS TOTALLY NORMAL, workable... I don't wanna be that guy here. And no pushes in any direction.
But FWIW, I'm mostly not feeling much of anything. BEEN happy before, tried my best to share it even. Getting to a place of nothing at all though feels like sumn else... Hell, getting to a place of not wanting/being able to play a game for the first time in my life has been a whole thing in itself