Venting I'm bad at living AND dying, it seems!

[Spiny Lobster]

Every time I've tried to complete a suicide, it's always been a "gesture." Minimal overdoses, buying a rope but failing to tie the noose, then finally making a noose years later only to stick my head in it and chicken out.

I'm not even trying to kill myself at this point -- I'm trying to self-harm, but I can't seem to be able to cut deep enough. How am I so bad at living that I'm bad at harming myself, too? There's either something wrong with the knife, something wrong with me, or both. Maybe my inhibition isn't low enough. Next time I should be drunk.

Ugh, either way, I am feeling downright stupid, which makes the pain even worse. I am clearly incapable of putting myself out of my misery. I hope natural selection will kick in for me sooner than later.

What am I doing wrong?

 

[drwt]

You're not giving it all you got. You're stuck in a halfway state where you refuse to give life 100% or death 100% and it's torturing you because you can't be happy but you can't end it either. You have to make a choice. Continue living like that will only prolong the suffering.
Maybe sit down and brainstorm it or talk to a friend about the pros and cons and try to figure out what you really want.

 

[Spiny Lobster]

You're not giving it all you got. You're stuck in a halfway state where you refuse to give life 100% or death 100% and it's torturing you because you can't be happy but you can't end it either. You have to make a choice. Continue living like that will only prolong the suffering.

I feel so foolish that I'm unable to make that choice. I'm afraid of living, but I'm afraid of dying, too. Go figure.

Maybe sit down and brainstorm it or talk to a friend about the pros and cons and try to figure out what you really want.

You know how the conversation would go if I brought it up to a friend. They're obligated to say live, don't give up on yourself, so on and so forth. But the only people that could actually walk a mile--no, an entire lifetime--in my shoes are my fellow forum members here. Thank you for being the people I can talk to about this.

 

[elfgyoza]

Probably just the way I read it (I'm awful at interpreting tone), but @drwt 's reply seemed harsh. Well, maybe not harsh, more like a reality check? And it honestly might be what you needed to hear. I know I did at least...
I think I'm similar to you, it's like I can't commit to bettering myself or killing myself, and I'm scared of doing either. There's not a chance in hell I'm staying alive for another 40+ years, but I can't seem to just take my chances at dying, just sounds really pathetic lol. And idk what to do...hopefully we'll figure it out eventually?

 

[newave3]

You ain’t alone OP. We are all trapped. Our parents sure didn’t do us any favors by bringing us into this world. I actually admire people who kill themselves. It takes big brass balls to do it.

 

[drwt]

I feel so foolish that I'm unable to make that choice. I'm afraid of living, but I'm afraid of dying, too. Go figure.

I feel the same but then only hate myself more for it because it feels awful being weak.
I'm glad I found this forum though. I already had ordered my SN and wanted to die but ever since I started posting here, I feel more positive because I don't feel so alone with my misery. I didn't give life an absolute YES but for now I am trying everything I can to live. And I wanna help the people here that I can help with my words, and sorry if I sound blunt and get straight to the point (autism lol ) but a pro-suicide influence killed my gf while I tried so hard to keep her alive and it pisses me off. I don't want to see people die. You're all wonderful and capable of doing things you don't even know but the negative thoughts keep you down. I can understand that some people have almost no choice (way too many problems, and unable to fix) but not everybody is like that and cure does exist. Don't be afraid of healing if it's possible .