Story I'm back - SN overdose 3 month update.

[bpdandme]

I was previously on this site as BPDME - I wasn't the most talkative or active but I remember most members (a lot of the old members have been crossed out now, which is bittersweet - I hope they have all found peace).

I took SN and overdosed in November. I did not take any anti emetics, only fasted for about 12 hours. It's so scary wanting to take your own life, I have a massive fear of death and I was scared that I knew I could go through with it. I was scared because I knew I was going to do it.

SN tastes AWFUL to me, salty beyond sea water. I'm not fussy and can drink spirits straight with no issues but SN is gross!! I only had about 3 sips of the solution (following Stan's regimen). In about 10 minutes my heart rate was through the roof. I was already anxious about CTB and tried to not shout for help. I felt light headed, sick, nervous and went scarily pale. When the ambulance came it was blue lights, my heart rate was 190, I had to be put on 100% oxygen because my oxygen levels were very very low (I think 65%), I turned blue and my blood was dark brown when I saw them take my blood. A paramedic told me I was going to make it and if I wanted them to tell my mum. I was put in HDU, had to drink charcoal, stay on oxygen, be on a drip and take methanyl blue through an IV.

SN is very dangerous even in small doses. It is not painful, but very very scary. I did not feel like I was dying.

I regret that I didn't go through with it, hence why I'm back. I feel like I'm meant to kill myself. I can't believe I was so close but asked for help. I hope I can go through with it for real soon.

 

[brokerofsecrets]

Welcome back. I'm tied between SN and hanging, but the taste just throws me way off. The only comparable experience I have is I dissolved hundreds of aspirin tablets in a large pint glass and chugged that, it instantly made me throw up because the taste was so rank. I can't imagine SN being much better.

 

[LegaliseIt!]

Welcome back.
Thank you for sharing your SN/SI experience. A very helpful and kind act.
Whatever you choose, I am glad that you feel comfortable here.
Sending hugs and strength

 

[Brick In The Wall]

Welcome back, sounds like a scary episode. I've seen you around here before under your other username. Good to see you're okay! Thank you very much for the update as well.

 

[bpdandme]

Welcome back. I'm tied between SN and hanging, but the taste just throws me way off. The only comparable experience I have is I dissolved hundreds of aspirin tablets in a large pint glass and chugged that, it instantly made me throw up because the taste was so rank. I can't imagine SN being much better.

Thank you! I hope you find peace whatever your decision may be. SN is definitely the worst thing I've ever drank but its also easily reversible in comparison to hanging if the regret kicks in like it did for me. It was comforting knowing if I chose not to go through with it I could easily contact an ambulance.

Welcome back.
Thank you for sharing your SN/SI experience. A very helpful and kind act.
Whatever you choose, I am glad that you feel comfortable here.
Sending hugs and strength

Back to you - thank you! This forum has some of the best people in, it makes me so sad we're all feeling like we can't go on.

Welcome back, sounds like a scary episode. I've seen you around here before under your other username. Good to see you're okay! Thank you very much for the update as well.

Thank you so much!

 

[aloneintheworld]

Thank you! I hope you find peace whatever your decision may be. SN is definitely the worst thing I've ever drank but its also easily reversible in comparison to hanging if the regret kicks in like it did for me. It was comforting knowing if I chose not to go through with it I could easily contact an ambulance.

Were you the one who called for the ambulance after you took the SN? How are you doing now?

 

[brokerofsecrets]

Thank you! I hope you find peace whatever your decision may be. SN is definitely the worst thing I've ever drank but its also easily reversible in comparison to hanging if the regret kicks in like it did for me. It was comforting knowing if I chose not to go through with it I could easily contact an ambulance.


Back to you - thank you! This forum has some of the best people in, it makes me so sad we're all feeling like we can't go on.

I hope you find peace in the end, however you feel necessary to do so.

 

[Brick In The Wall]

Thank you! I hope you find peace whatever your decision may be. SN is definitely the worst thing I've ever drank but its also easily reversible in comparison to hanging if the regret kicks in like it did for me. It was comforting knowing if I chose not to go through with it I could easily contact an ambulance.


Back to you - thank you! This forum has some of the best people in, it makes me so sad we're all feeling like we can't go on.


Thank you so much!

If you're back here then you're still struggling with this in some capacity. If you ever need to talk about it my inbox is always open!

 

[saintives]

welcome back hope the heart thing wasnt too scary for u :(

 

[Backwood_tilt]

wow, sorry for your experience. You know, as much as we might think we are totally prepared to CTB, who can tell what will really happen when the time comes. I hope you are not beating yourself up about it. It is such a challenging and emotional thing, after all.

Will you be attempting a different method moving forwards?

 

[bpdandme]

Were you the one who called for the ambulance after you took the SN? How are you doing now?

I planned it for when both of my parents were out, but I heard some noise from my brothers room, turns out he was off work that day and I just went it and told him I overdosed and he phoned the ambulance. The hospital had never heard of it, mental health crisis team turned up 48 hours later and when I went to the doctors I got dismissed as usual because I don't "look" depressed - my male doctor said to me "you're good looking and have a nice figure, what do you have to be depressed about? come back in six months if you're still feeling bad." I'm so tired of being dismissed. I'm on mitzrapine now, which has helped for anxiety but my moods are worse.

I started a new job and thought everything was going to turn around but I'm exhausted and think I'll get fired soon, I have no energy to do it and I have awful brain fog all the time. I must seem so dumb to my managers. I need to CTB asap, but unsure on what method I would choose. I guess I know SN has an effect on me but also it wasn't a good experience and don't want to get saved again in my panic.

Thanks for asking!

If you're back here then you're still struggling with this in some capacity. If you ever need to talk about it my inbox is always open!

Thank you so much, you're so kind. Back at you

 

[bpdandme]

wow, sorry for your experience. You know, as much as we might think we are totally prepared to CTB, who can tell what will really happen when the time comes. I hope you are not beating yourself up about it. It is such a challenging and emotional thing, after all.

Will you be attempting a different method moving forwards?

Thank you! It's so true, the concept of death and knowing it's going to happen is very overwhelming and a massive decision. I always saw posts about N and SN and thinking if I was them I would drink it as soon as possible, but it's not like that at all when you're face with your own mortality.

I think I am drawn to hanging but I only really have access to low points so it would have to be partial, not near any trees or anything like that, also maybe jumping. At least with SN I know it'll work for me and easy for me to get. I just don't want to repeat the cycle of making an attempt and saving myself when I need to CTB.

 

[Quarky00]

Welcome back.Your ctb sounds scary anxiety-ridden traumatic blowup I think because it was so scary visually and physically, and your heart was racing, you've had to call for help. I'd do the same. So I hope you feel okay about it. Your description is so valuable and also the note about SN dangerous in small dose (and recovery possible).

What happened in recent months, are you okay?

Some here used a straw, would that solve taste? Others reported stinging throat, did not happen to you? Did you use anything to calm your nerves? Would that helped? Just wondering, you do not have to answer:) Welcome back again

Oxygen and charcoal are so useless. I wonder why they keep using that... Stupid docs

 

[Ghost2211]

welcome back, thank you so much for sharing your experience with us. This is very similar to what I would've expected it to be like. Your heart rate was more likely your fear of the situation than the SN itself. I would expect Mild to Moderate tachycardia from anything that causes that much stress to the system, but it sounds like you had quite an adrenaline reaction going.

SN is definitely very deadly, but also there is a lot of room for regrets and seeking medical attention. The other High Point is how easily reversible it is, and you won't have permanent damage as a result. I hope your health is doing well, and even more so that you are feeling better.

now that you have tasted death and returned do you still have a desire to ctb?

 

[Backwood_tilt]

...

Someone posted a great article about overcoming survival instinct recently, maybe you will find this helpful:

Practice makes deadly perfection, FSU suicide researcher says

Basically the idea is like youre getting good at anything else: practice. and to that, i would add, VISUALIZE.

Practicing with hanging would be like, trying to find your sweet spot, practicing compressing your carotid arteries with your hands, etc. I hope you are luckier than I was with partial - i could not get it at all so i moved on to something else.

 

[bpdandme]

You got all those symptoms but didn't feel any pain? Being sick? Sick in the stomach, maybe? What kind of "sick" .
And you didn't pass out not just for a moment only? You were all time awake or aware of everything?

I think panic overrode pain, my heart rate was so high I think adrenaline must of kicked in, I felt very very light headed and thought I was going to pass out. I was trying really hard to stay awake. I felt sick but it wasn't and insane urge to feel sick, I actually tried to make myself sick but couldn't do it. The sickness wasn't notable in comparison to the panic.

I think panic overrode pain, my heart rate was so high I think adrenaline must of kicked in, I felt very very light headed and thought I was going to pass out. I was trying really hard to stay awake. I felt sick but it wasn't and insane urge to feel sick, I actually tried to make myself sick but couldn't do it. The sickness wasn't notable in comparison to the panic.

Not sure why they said nitrate, I think this was an error by them.

Someone posted a great article about overcoming survival instinct recently, maybe you will find this helpful:

Practice makes deadly perfection, FSU suicide researcher says

Basically the idea is like youre getting good at anything else: practice. and to that, i would add, VISUALIZE.

Practicing with hanging would be like, trying to find your sweet spot, practicing compressing your carotid arteries with your hands, etc. I hope you are luckier than I was with partial - i could not get it at all so i moved on to something else.

Thank you so much! Before I got SN, I used to try with partial every day for about a year but I just couldn't do it. Similar to you, I just could not get it! What method are you drawn to now?

welcome back, thank you so much for sharing your experience with us. This is very similar to what I would've expected it to be like. Your heart rate was more likely your fear of the situation than the SN itself. I would expect Mild to Moderate tachycardia from anything that causes that much stress to the system, but it sounds like you had quite an adrenaline reaction going.

SN is definitely very deadly, but also there is a lot of room for regrets and seeking medical attention. The other High Point is how easily reversible it is, and you won't have permanent damage as a result. I hope your health is doing well, and even more so that you are feeling better.

now that you have tasted death and returned do you still have a desire to ctb?

I had it note that I had sinus tachycardia but it did not say at what level! I definitely agree my anxiety was the point of fear! They shouted cardiac in the ambulance and I got myself into a massive panic too.

I definitely agree, it is kinda comforting to know it is reversible but also very tempting to in the state of panic and SI to reverse it.

Thank you so much! I thought about it less for a couple of months, then occasionally I'd think about it and check here, now I can't stop thinking about it and back to making an account here.

I wish the desire to ctb would subside or I wish I could just go through with it.

 

[Yaalya]

did u vomit? after what time did the ambulance arrive after taking SN? im sorry for you bad expirience. hope you find peace

 

[bpdandme]

Welcome back.Your ctb sounds scary anxiety-ridden traumatic blowup I think because it was so scary visually and physically, and your heart was racing, you've had to call for help. I'd do the same. So I hope you feel okay about it. Your description is so valuable and also the note about SN dangerous in small dose (and recovery possible).

What happened in recent months, are you okay?

Some here used a straw, would that solve taste? Others reported stinging throat, did not happen to you? Did you use anything to calm your nerves? Would that helped? Just wondering, you do not have to answer:) Welcome back again

Oxygen and charcoal are so useless. I wonder why they keep using that... Stupid docs

Thank you so much, you're so sweet. I started a new job but that is going to shit now, I can't think or concentrate and just super exhausted. It's such a bitchy work environment and I keep messing up. If people knew they would treat me different and that annoys me. I think I am getting worse unfortunately, but maybe more content with death now.

I'm not sure about the straw personally, maybe if it was pushed further down the throat. I did not get any burning sensation. I didn't have anything to calm my nerves but I thought no matter how nervous I was that I wouldn't get help, but it was too much for me even though I had planned it for so long.

Thank you for your kindness!

did u vomit? after what time did the ambulance arrive after taking SN? im sorry for you bad expirience. hope you find peace

I did not vomit - I even tried to induce vomiting! I felt more light headed and nervous than sick but I had much lower than the suggested dose so maybe that's why. SN just seemed to effect me even with a small dose.

The ambulance arrived in 25 minutes I'd say, which they said was a close call and lucky they got there when they did.

After the methanyl blue, I was stable completely.

 

[Backwood_tilt]

Thank you so much! Before I got SN, I used to try with partial every day for about a year but I just couldn't do it. Similar to you, I just could not get it! What method are you drawn to now?

Exit Bag/Inert Gas, nitrogen specifically.

If you've already practiced and it hasn't worked, you might also want to consider a different method. Individual anatomy supposedly plays a big part. Even with tourniquet, i only got my "sweet spot" one time, and it was on a practice run. Never on any of my actual attempts.

 

[csharp]

Thanks for the details. Hope you can find peace eventually.

 

[bpdandme]

Exit Bag/Inert Gas, nitrogen specifically.

If you've already practiced and it hasn't worked, you might also want to consider a different method. Individual anatomy supposedly plays a big part. Even with tourniquet, i only got my "sweet spot" one time, and it was on a practice run. Never on any of my actual attempts.

I should! I think partial is very much down to the individual. Its like how I took SN with no anti emetics and did not vomit but some people would have. There are many factors to consider in most methods. I think I was similar, maybe once or twice, but SI kicked in. I hate SI, I want to die! I think because im a self sabotager and it feels like this is being continued in my attempts.

 

[Amossoma543]

Someone posted a great article about overcoming survival instinct recently, maybe you will find this helpful:

Practice makes deadly perfection, FSU suicide researcher says

Basically the idea is like youre getting good at anything else: practice. and to that, i would add, VISUALIZE.

Practicing with hanging would be like, trying to find your sweet spot, practicing compressing your carotid arteries with your hands, etc. I hope you are luckier than I was with partial - i could not get it at all so i moved on to something else.

I am so grateful you posted this. I feel traumatized by this poster's account. I am sure I want to go...but I am terrified of BEING terrified, and reading many of the posts I've read today...is making me terrified, making me feel trapped, making me feel like I have no way out, because if it was so bad for this person, perhaps I will also become terrified at the moment I decide and then my life would be far, far worse than what it is. My anxiety now is way up and I feel like I'm trapped and don't have an escape route.

My SN is right there on the dresser...and I've been planning for the day...and now I'm just so scared. I'm not scared of dying. I'm scared of being SCARED. I've been afraid my whole life, and now I feel like I can't even end my life.

FUCK I wish there was just a simple, terror-free way of just injecting heroin or something so that I could drift away. I'm so weary of being anxious and afraid. I shouldn't be reading these horror stories about it, I suppose. But then on the other hand, my inner voice tells me that I have to at least look at it realistically.

Sigh...

 

[bpdandme]

I am so grateful you posted this. I feel traumatized by this poster's account. I am sure I want to go...but I am terrified of BEING terrified, and reading many of the posts I've read today...is making me terrified, making me feel trapped, making me feel like I have no way out, because if it was so bad for this person, perhaps I will also become terrified at the moment I decide and then my life would be far, far worse than what it is. My anxiety now is way up and I feel like I'm trapped and don't have an escape route.

My SN is right there on the dresser...and I've been planning for the day...and now I'm just so scared. I'm not scared of dying. I'm scared of being SCARED. I've been afraid my whole life, and now I feel like I can't even end my life.

FUCK I wish there was just a simple, terror-free way of just injecting heroin or something so that I could drift away. I'm so weary of being anxious and afraid. I shouldn't be reading these horror stories about it, I suppose. But then on the other hand, my inner voice tells me that I have to at least look at it realistically.

Sigh...

I'm sorry... I just wanted to share my personal experience. I have very severe anxiety and fear of death/existentialism. I didn't meant to scare you with my experience I just wanted to inform. Things are different for everyone.

 

[Backwood_tilt]

FUCK I wish there was just a simple, terror-free way of just injecting heroin or something so that I could drift away. I'm so weary of being anxious and afraid. I shouldn't be reading these horror stories about it, I suppose. But then on the other hand, my inner voice tells me that I have to at least look at it realistically.

I mean there are definitely other methods for you to consider. N if you can get it, F as well.

Generally though, i'm of the attitude that there will always be fear, up until the very last moment. How could there not be? We are walking into oblivion, into the abyss where our very concept of self and the base of our experiences will disappear into nothingness. No matter how reasonable or preferable CTB might seem, it is still a terrifying state.

As Vladimir Nabokov writes, "life is just one small piece of light between two eternal darknesses". We've known it before and we will know it again.

 

[Sadddd]

Thanks for sharing this, I'm relatively new to the site and a bit overwhelmed with methods etc.. sorry you're having a tough time at work and with meds.
I'm also on mirtazapine and having the same issues, foggy and feeling stupid

 

[Amossoma543]

We are walking into oblivion, into the abyss where our very concept of self and the base of our experiences will disappear into nothingness.

Great. Just the reassurance I was hoping for. This would make a great Hallmark card. You should become a therapist for end-of-life treatment. /sarcasm :P

 

[mpnf]

I am so grateful you posted this. I feel traumatized by this poster's account. I am sure I want to go...but I am terrified of BEING terrified, and reading many of the posts I've read today...is making me terrified, making me feel trapped, making me feel like I have no way out, because if it was so bad for this person, perhaps I will also become terrified at the moment I decide and then my life would be far, far worse than what it is. My anxiety now is way up and I feel like I'm trapped and don't have an escape route.

My SN is right there on the dresser...and I've been planning for the day...and now I'm just so scared. I'm not scared of dying. I'm scared of being SCARED. I've been afraid my whole life, and now I feel like I can't even end my life.

FUCK I wish there was just a simple, terror-free way of just injecting heroin or something so that I could drift away. I'm so weary of being anxious and afraid. I shouldn't be reading these horror stories about it, I suppose. But then on the other hand, my inner voice tells me that I have to at least look at it realistically.

Sigh...

We're on the same boat. I have the exact sensations about being scared of being scared. I'm afraid of life and the moment I ctb, I don't know if I could handle it.
A few days ago before getting back into the forum ,again for like two or three months after I left, felt really determined to quit my life for once with no doubts but thinking on the possible regrets. But after reading a lot of bad experiences here with Sn , it has made me less determined and I hate it . It double scares of all the possible wrongs that happen.... I feel like a phone rat , all the time learning new information about possible methods but at the same time getting myself more and more anxious about it. And making me crazy cause until you don't experience it by yourself , you won't know what real outcome will be for yourself.
So yeah stories like @bpdandme gives you some hope that If you mess it up , you can have a second chance with zero physical or mental damage. That it doesn't mean I don't want to CTB , I really do with all my heart and lungs, but mostly with all my heart , to stop all this nonsense called existing.

 

[bpdandme]

I mean there are definitely other methods for you to consider. N if you can get it, F as well.

Generally though, i'm of the attitude that there will always be fear, up until the very last moment. How could there not be? We are walking into oblivion, into the abyss where our very concept of self and the base of our experiences will disappear into nothingness. No matter how reasonable or preferable CTB might seem, it is still a terrifying state.

As Vladimir Nabokov writes, "life is just one small piece of light between two eternal darknesses". We've known it before and we will know it again.

I love that quote - thank you for sharing!

Thanks for sharing this, I'm relatively new to the site and a bit overwhelmed with methods etc.. sorry you're having a tough time at work and with meds.
I'm also on mirtazapine and having the same issues, foggy and feeling stupid

Thank you so much. Here if you need someone to chat to!

We're on the same boat. I have the exact sensations about being scared of being scared. I'm afraid of life and the moment I ctb, I don't know if I could handle it.
A few days ago before getting back into the forum ,again for like two or three months after I left, felt really determined to quit my life for once with no doubts but thinking on the possible regrets. But after reading a lot of bad experiences here with Sn , it has made me less determined and I hate it . It double scares of all the possible wrongs that happen.... I feel like a phone rat , all the time learning new information about possible methods but at the same time getting myself more and more anxious about it. And making me crazy cause until you don't experience it by yourself , you won't know what real outcome will be for yourself.
So yeah stories like @bpdandme gives you some hope that If you mess it up , you can have a second chance with zero physical or mental damage. That it doesn't mean I don't want to CTB , I really do with all my heart and lungs, but mostly with all my heart , to stop all this nonsense called existing.

Sorry experiences posted on this site have made you feel like that, but I don't think its fair to shame the posters for sharing their experiences and being able to vent in a safe place. Talking about this made me feel better! Sorry if that has upset you.

 

[Defenestrator]

Welcome back. I'm tied between SN and hanging, but the taste just throws me way off. The only comparable experience I have is I dissolved hundreds of aspirin tablets in a large pint glass and chugged that, it instantly made me throw up because the taste was so rank. I can't imagine SN being much better.

This is why antiemetics are recommended... I get the urge to puke when things taste gross too, most of us do.

I planned it for when both of my parents were out, but I heard some noise from my brothers room, turns out he was off work that day and I just went it and told him I overdosed and he phoned the ambulance. The hospital had never heard of it, mental health crisis team turned up 48 hours later and when I went to the doctors I got dismissed as usual because I don't "look" depressed - my male doctor said to me "you're good looking and have a nice figure, what do you have to be depressed about? come back in six months if you're still feeling bad." I'm so tired of being dismissed. I'm on mitzrapine now, which has helped for anxiety but my moods are worse.

I started a new job and thought everything was going to turn around but I'm exhausted and think I'll get fired soon, I have no energy to do it and I have awful brain fog all the time. I must seem so dumb to my managers. I need to CTB asap, but unsure on what method I would choose. I guess I know SN has an effect on me but also it wasn't a good experience and don't want to get saved again in my panic.

Thanks for asking!


Thank you so much, you're so kind. Back at you

Wait so the follow up from your attempt was nothing? You've literally been left to it? You're in the UK, right?

 

[bpdandme]

This is why antiemetics are recommended... I get the urge to puke when things taste gross too, most of us do.

Wait so the follow up from your attempt was nothing? You've literally been left to it? You're in the UK, right?

Yep UK, no follow up. HDU for two days, mental health crisis team turned up 42 hours after I arrived in the hospital, got a doctors appointment told I didnt look ill enough and shouldn't be depressed because I was stereotypically attractive , thrown on anti depressants and not given the option for therapy.

Quite used to being dismissed now.