I don't expect any responses or anything. I just want to write my thoughts and it's comforting some people might read them. I guess if I'm targetting anyone, it's the young people on the site. I signed up to this site years ago and have felt like CTB for longer. Mid 30s now.
I don't plan to CTB. I've tried and I can't. Am I too weak to commit? Is my innate will to live too strong? I don't know. What I do know is that I've tried acquiring the necessary resources and setting up attempts involving gas, hanging, jumping and SN. Every time it came down to the moment, I just couldn't do it. Closest I got was the last time I tried with a shallow hanging. I passed out briefly and regained consciousness in a panic. Every part of my body was telling me to get air into my lungs. In dizziness, I got up, loosened the noose and started breathing deeply. The world and my psyche was pins and needles. Once I recovered, I called my sister and told her what I'd done. She drove me back to her place and let me stay, after asking if I needed to go to the hospital.
Since then, I haven't viewed CTB as an option. No matter how shit I feel mentally, my body and my biology want to continue and I know this. I know that no matter how awful I feel in any given moment, I've tried to CTB in numerous ways and can't do it. I had to accept the 'definition of insanity' and just not entertain the idea. No matter how committed I felt; I wasn't. Can't blame me. I have a blessed life. In the past years, I've found myself with a stable job and housing, loving family, close friends, good health and enough money to pursue hobbies. Some of this allowed by my support network and some of it hard worked for; through despair and self hatred it was worked for.
If I had CTB successfully on my first attempt at an attempt, I would have been dead in 2015. Drove all the way to an infamous spot, got past the railing and was picked up by police to be taken to the psychiatric ward. I guess a good Samaritan saw me sitting and contemplating on the edge. If I had jumped that day and not delayed out of fear/strength, depending on who you ask and what mood I'm in, I wouldn't have experienced some things I love. I wouldn't have seen 'The Sopranos', I wouldn't have heard 'Grey Skies and Electric Light' by Woods of Ypres, I wouldn't have taken the plunge into 'Magic the Gathing', I wouldn't have seen Vio-lence, Emperor, Napaplm Death, Wormrot or Despise You live. I wouldn't have played Doom 2016 and started making maps for the original games, I wouldn't have seen 'Bad Boy Bubby' and I wouldn't have started my childhood fantasy garden. I wouldn't have gone to Thailand, driven/owened a go-kart, snorkled with the clown fish in Venuatu and I wouldn't have met someone I came to love deeply. In amongst those experiences were further suicidal thoughts, planning, attempts at attempts and a general feeling of flatness, lonliness and psychological isolation. It never went away, yet those experiences stand out to me as being "worthed lived for".
I came back to this site tonight because I truly felt like CTB again. Now that I've listed all those things, I feel pretty fucking stupid. I may hate myself now and probably will tomorrow, but that doesn't mean I can't love things. By not CTB, I've experienced things I love and logic dictates that all I have to do to experience further things I love is to not CTB. No matter how much my mind hates things, I don't have to hate things.
I don't plan to CTB. I've tried and I can't. Am I too weak to commit? Is my innate will to live too strong? I don't know. What I do know is that I've tried acquiring the necessary resources and setting up attempts involving gas, hanging, jumping and SN. Every time it came down to the moment, I just couldn't do it. Closest I got was the last time I tried with a shallow hanging. I passed out briefly and regained consciousness in a panic. Every part of my body was telling me to get air into my lungs. In dizziness, I got up, loosened the noose and started breathing deeply. The world and my psyche was pins and needles. Once I recovered, I called my sister and told her what I'd done. She drove me back to her place and let me stay, after asking if I needed to go to the hospital.
Since then, I haven't viewed CTB as an option. No matter how shit I feel mentally, my body and my biology want to continue and I know this. I know that no matter how awful I feel in any given moment, I've tried to CTB in numerous ways and can't do it. I had to accept the 'definition of insanity' and just not entertain the idea. No matter how committed I felt; I wasn't. Can't blame me. I have a blessed life. In the past years, I've found myself with a stable job and housing, loving family, close friends, good health and enough money to pursue hobbies. Some of this allowed by my support network and some of it hard worked for; through despair and self hatred it was worked for.
If I had CTB successfully on my first attempt at an attempt, I would have been dead in 2015. Drove all the way to an infamous spot, got past the railing and was picked up by police to be taken to the psychiatric ward. I guess a good Samaritan saw me sitting and contemplating on the edge. If I had jumped that day and not delayed out of fear/strength, depending on who you ask and what mood I'm in, I wouldn't have experienced some things I love. I wouldn't have seen 'The Sopranos', I wouldn't have heard 'Grey Skies and Electric Light' by Woods of Ypres, I wouldn't have taken the plunge into 'Magic the Gathing', I wouldn't have seen Vio-lence, Emperor, Napaplm Death, Wormrot or Despise You live. I wouldn't have played Doom 2016 and started making maps for the original games, I wouldn't have seen 'Bad Boy Bubby' and I wouldn't have started my childhood fantasy garden. I wouldn't have gone to Thailand, driven/owened a go-kart, snorkled with the clown fish in Venuatu and I wouldn't have met someone I came to love deeply. In amongst those experiences were further suicidal thoughts, planning, attempts at attempts and a general feeling of flatness, lonliness and psychological isolation. It never went away, yet those experiences stand out to me as being "worthed lived for".
I came back to this site tonight because I truly felt like CTB again. Now that I've listed all those things, I feel pretty fucking stupid. I may hate myself now and probably will tomorrow, but that doesn't mean I can't love things. By not CTB, I've experienced things I love and logic dictates that all I have to do to experience further things I love is to not CTB. No matter how much my mind hates things, I don't have to hate things.
