angelhopes
:)
- Mar 15, 2026
- 35
I told myself I'll take a break and I did. I went outside and hangout with my friends but I still feel empty and I genuinely couldn't find pleasure on everything anymore. I tried everything these past months even professional help but to no avail.
On top of that, I can tell that my mom is growing stressed and tired and I couldn't help but feel so shitty. She told me she thought I was doing better and she was happy up until she saw me relapsing again. I feel like a burden right now to everyone. My mom would also notice me staring at nothingness while I have a video playing on my phone.
I genuinely feel nothing but dread. I feel like a burden to everyone and I started distancing myself to my close friends hoping that if I ever catch the bus they wouldn't be so devastated. I've been rolling a dice too once a day and if I got my birth date then I will start buying the things I need to ctb. Doing this gives me some sort of calmness knowing its something I can control.
I also started idealizing planning on what I will do like making the letters recording my last goodbye to all of them and planning to scheduling a message if it's christmas,their bday etc.
Also side irrelevant side note but I've been listening to "Somewhere Over the Rainbow" while typing this :). This would be the last song I would be playing if I ever commit CTB.
On top of that, I can tell that my mom is growing stressed and tired and I couldn't help but feel so shitty. She told me she thought I was doing better and she was happy up until she saw me relapsing again. I feel like a burden right now to everyone. My mom would also notice me staring at nothingness while I have a video playing on my phone.
I genuinely feel nothing but dread. I feel like a burden to everyone and I started distancing myself to my close friends hoping that if I ever catch the bus they wouldn't be so devastated. I've been rolling a dice too once a day and if I got my birth date then I will start buying the things I need to ctb. Doing this gives me some sort of calmness knowing its something I can control.
I also started idealizing planning on what I will do like making the letters recording my last goodbye to all of them and planning to scheduling a message if it's christmas,their bday etc.
Also side irrelevant side note but I've been listening to "Somewhere Over the Rainbow" while typing this :). This would be the last song I would be playing if I ever commit CTB.
