Venting I'm At My Limit

[WaitingForTheBusInTh]

I have a rope coming on Monday. I wanted to wait until after xmas but I dont think I can anymore.
I'm working 45 hours, 6 days a week. I've been at this job for 2.5 months to escape my last awful job and they expect me to know how to do everything with no training. I'm paying out of pocket (currently at about $600) to cover up my mistakes because if my bosses find out they'll keep going at me about how I'm costing them so much money (even though they're absolutely loaded). The one boss is irritated every time he has to talk to me. I bend over backwards and work my butt off and its customer service in a rich people town.
I cant keep doing this. I'm not meant for this world. Every time I try to pick myself up and get better someone shoves my face back in the cement. It's either I CTB or get myself admitted indefinitely.
I know I've said multiple times here that I never would go to a psych ward again but if I cant off myself I dont see another choice.
Good people die every day. Why cant I take the place of one of them

 

[mikenoir]

My friend, if you have a source of income, why don’t you wait and order N as soon as it is in stock? It is a bit expensive, but it seems not out of your reach (?), and it will aid you in one of the most important acts of your life and provide you with a much more dignified way out. Of course, it’s not so simple. But that’s what I would try to do. I respect whatever decision you make as I’m not in your situation.

 

[WaitingForTheBusInTh]

My friend, if you have a source of income, why don’t you wait and order N as soon as it is in stock? It is a bit expensive, but it seems not out of your reach (?), and it will aid you in one of the most important acts of your life and provide you with a much more dignified way out. Of course, it’s not so simple. But that’s what I would try to do. I respect whatever decision you make as I’m not in your situation.

I tried to get SN for a good while but my country has pretty strict rules on who can have it and it doesnt go well through customs. I cant risk police at my door because I live in a basement apartment. If you ment N as in nitrogen I was gonna wait for it but again procurement is gonna a take a hot minute. I dont want to use the rope, its among my least desired methods but if i have no other accessible option then i gotta do what i gotta do. Thanks for your concern though