Venting I’m at a losing battle with my own brain

[リンさん]

I'm gonna talk about my ADHD experience here, because I really feel like venting now.

I am so, so tired of constantly playing the game of living from one hyperfixation to another. Constantly needing to find something to fixate on, something that will give me dopamine as fast as possible. It feels like life doesn't exist if I am not actively interested in something that consumes my entire life.

And then the interest expires, and I am searching again. And again. And again. And I am so exhausted, because I know how it works, and I know that the cycle will never end for as long as I am alive. I fucking wish I got fixated on something useful for once, but no, unless it's extremely stimulating to me, I'm never doing it.

Probably one of my funniest and most ironic hyperfixations is suicide. I poured hours into researching every method I could find, constantly switching my "preferred" one. And the fact that I couldn't get myself to do it distressed me, while also being fully aware I'm not ready to die and won't be for the next few years or so.

My brain was upset because I couldn't reward it with killing itself. It sounds so ridiculous to me, but I genuinely wished I could have a reason to CTB just so I could satisfy my hyperfixation. I am so lucky to have never really gotten into drugs, because I know for a fact I'd get addicted if I had just one positive experience.

(Not on any meds right now due to personal reasons but I guess it's pretty obvious lol)

Anyway, yeah. That's it. Can't sleep so decided to complain a little, not that it's gonna help my insomnia anyway :p

 

[uzuf86]

I am probably ADHD, but I can tune my mind to anything I want to achieve. Hyper-fixating is fine.
Find something that will allow you to be hyper-fixated for long enough (I am talking about months/years together), and get into the practice of daily workout/meditation. Please mark these words very carefully since they're important to you in life. In the long term you will thank yourself for it.

I am saying it as someone who didn't do any of those and didn't take care of themselves and completely ruined their own life over the course of years, feeling completely defeated. I would like to let you know what I learned from not doing the right things, so that you can save your life and live happily at least.

 

[imdepressed999]

I struggle with the same issues, always looking for that next Hit. I think social media and the way everything is now contributes to a lot of that. I always have been obsessed with suicide and death, daydreaming about how people around me will be like when i am gone. It's a weird obsession like i want my suicide to have an impact in a way.

 

[logi3535]

I felt every word poured into this, I also struggle with ADHD and never really stopped to consider that almost all the problems i struggle with daily are because of ADHD. It's always feeling like nothing can ever satisfy me for long, I lose motivation so quickly and even then I never felt like there was much passion or drive poured into it, only that I did it just so I could pass the time and feel like i was doing something beneficial, its so exhausting. I hate myself that I can't feel so strongly about some things like others do, and when i'm told that feeling is normal, it just makes me feel even more alone