I’m alive. please read.

[Ben]

Hello friends. Allow me to explain myself.


I've now shown I'm incapable of ensuring my pursuit of death is an absolute one. So next time I say goodbye, keep this in mind.


Before my next attempt, I promise to include my gratitude for all of you Along with my farewell. I'm disgusted that I left without a final interaction with the people who clearly care about me. That was beyond selfish, so I apologize to anybody i left without getting a chance of some sort of closure with me.


This now makes my third failure at KTB. I'll detail what happened with me after I made what I thought was my final post here.


Then, I will explain what my current plans are.


There are plenty of little lakes and rivers and just large bodies of water surrounding my city. I can't count the amount of times I spent as a teenager, wandering into the trees with friends to find a drinking spot.


These range road areas are very secluded, only

getting used when a resident of the area needs to make it to town; or an occasional trucker trying a shortcut.


I packed my backpack, only filled with a bottle of whiskey, big flashlight (it gets dark at 930 here now) and an external phone battery. Had a look at google maps to find a good location, and jumped on the bus.


The bus ride was 1.5 hours with 3 transfers. It was hard to not break down during the ride. It felt like that bus was my coffin and the driver was the grim reaper. I was scared and nervous, but still able to confirm to myself, this is what I want. I thought about not getting on the next bus each time I had to transfer. I was so in my own world, I didn't notice I was probably acting like a weirdo lol.


I arrived in the small sister town attached to my cities nutsack. before dark thank god. The Forrest starts almost immediately as you travel one block down outside their perimeter. The location I scouted on the google maps was a 40 min walk away still. During my walk, I started to experience the beginning of what lead to my eventual failure. The cold.


I knew my window to do this the way I want to, is closing rapidly with winter knocking at the door...Which was Another deciding factor in my sudden departure. However, it hasn't been cold long enough, or consistently enough for all the bodies of water to be frozen over. I dressed warm, and I intended to do a quick cardiovascular workout beforehand, so I was not worried about the cold. It's not -40 here, not yet anyway lol.


I started drinking while walking. Sure enough, when I found the water i was looking for, it was not frozen. Almost as cold as water can get without being ice, but not frozen. It was starting to get dark, and I didn't like that. I got half of my bottle down at this point. I got to doing jumping jacks, and just generally whipping my body about.


Working out was a great distraction from having any second thoughts. Even though these were supposed to be my last moments, I felt very focused on spending all the energy I had in me. After 15 (I think?) mins I'm sweating, out of breath, and ready to start hyperventilating. This was it, I was going to do it. I've tested my ability to blackout before, my confidence this would work was unbendable to me.


I approached the water, and walked in knee deep. Fucking freezing cold water. I did my breathing for what felt like 10 minutes, but surely far longer then i needed to according to my trials


I'm crying while I'm writing this by the way. Lightheaded, dizzy, head throbbing, perfect conditions. Already left my backpack behind, I dove in. Shoes, socks, pants, underwear, belt, shirt and sweater, I just dove in. As soon as I did, I felt a sharp pain in my whole body, and my balls shot up into themselves. I felt myself running out of breath very quickly, and I couldn't of been more aware of that. I couldn't stay under...I didn't instantly blackout. It isn't supposed to happen instantly though, I know this, just well within the amount of time you can hold your breath for. It must of been due to the cold for whatever reason...I was not able to stay submerged for longer then what felt like 5 seconds.


Now the only thing I'm able to focus on is how bloody cold I am. My first thought was to get out, do another workout to regain some body heat, and try again. I couldn't stop my teeth from chattering, making keeping my mouth closed difficult.


I dragged my soaked body out of the water, and realized...this is a lost cause at this point. I'm shaking very intensely, and I'm sure that hypothermia is right around the corner. I have no dry clothing, and I'm a 40 minute walk from any chance of getting dry. Sounds like It would of been easy to just crack the rest of the bottle and attempt to ride it out. I probably wouldn't of lasted the cold night if I passed out before getting dry. Unfortunately it takes more than one bottle of whiskey to actually knock me out.


I didn't have a change of heart; wanting to live now. I was upset I am still alive. All I wanted, was to not be so fucking cold. It multiplies all misery by ten, and is no way to spend your last moments here.


Thank god I didn't dive with my phone in my pocket, because I immediately called a cab. I told them which range roads to pick me up at, grabbed my bag, and I fuckin RAN there. I needed to move quickly if I wanted to alleviate the pain of the cold. Dripping wet, squishing with every step.


I met the cab, and apologized for being wet after falling into a puddle. It was obvious I was extremely cold, so I think that's why he didn't hesitate letting me in. Not his fault at all, but he would of left me in a very bad position if he refused my fare. I tipped him as well as I could.


I bought a cheap hotel room in town, because I didn't want to arrive back home like that. the people in my townhouse complex are very nosy, and likely to create a big deal out of seeing me like I was. The receptionist must of been a mother, because I got the "oh you poor thing" treatment, and gave me a stack of extra towels with my room key.


Ran a warm shower the second I walked in. I got the cold out of my bones, and broke down in the shower. I spent SO MUCH time and energy in this, and look where it got me...in a cheap hotel, alive and defeated.

(1/2) I reached the 10000 char limit so I am splitting this into two sections.

 

[Ben]

(2/2)

The bottom of my feet are in rough shape, from soaking and all the traveling I did in them while they were soaked. They are sore even today. I took a picture of it because I was shocked to see my foot still looking like it did.


This is long after my feet had any contact with water, but they are still wrinkled and uncomfortable to walk on:

https://imgur.com/a/XZ9GYIT


I didn't log onto anything that night, didn't even browse the internet. I turned on the TV, watched a episode of Forged in Fire, and fell asleep. Woke up, checked out, bussed back home...and here I am. It's worse then square one, because I was confident the first time I was at square one. Now I'm at square one again WITH this bullshit experience to accompany me.


I've now read the responses I received on my goodbye post. My eyes filled with tears and I became angry with myself. I thought there was no way I can come back and make the grieving for nothing. I've been very vocal about how I feel about that, so don't bother throwing my own words in my face please. I'm doing what I said should lower the impact of a second goodbye post here. Like I said above, you cannot trust me when I say goodbye anymore. Whatever you felt for me when you thought I was gone, please do your best to not go through that again when I make another attempt. I wanted to try and try again before I came back here...but I'm returning after the one failed attempt, in case my next one works, and I didn't share my experience. It breaks my heart to return here after all this, but I'm alive, and at the very least, I owe you all an update. My next attempt will be on the last day of September, I will say goodbye more respectfully at that time.


I still have faith in my method, but i was a fool to try it outside given the time of year. My time limit when I joined this site, was the end of the month, so I don't plan on being here much longer anyway.. but I'll be available for the next few days at least. It was an impulse to not bother enjoying the few days I have left with a roof over my head. I cannot pay rent, and will not be able to stay another month if I don't come up with the money. I only have one source of income, and it's not looking like it will generate enough money in time without something major happening. I will not accept a penny from anybody here, send them to the admins of this site if you want to do that. This site gives me a reason to wait until my expiration date.


I've been homeless before for a 3 month period, and I'm not willing to be in that situation ever again. It's hard enough to KTB with the resources provided by a household and steady income...so your options are extremely limited when on the streets.


Before I discovered SWB, my plan was to do partial hanging. If SWB fails me in my tub, I will go with plan B. I'm still confident SWB is the choice for me, but it is clearly not fool proof. I'm usually very methodical, and my failure stems from my emotions getting the best of me. I just pulled the trigger without lining up my shot. I don't plan on letting impulsive behaviours interfere with a well developed strategy again.


One thing I would take away from my experience, is you don't have to accept a users departure from this site, as a absolutely certainty they have KTB. If it gives you peace to think that they are still alive, then don't let speculation take that from you. Of course, we understand the embrace of death to be a kindness to willing recipients...but once all contact is lost, you believe what you want to believe, and don't take anybodies conflicting opinion as fact.


So, I'm back for now. I'll continue trying to be a positive part of this community while I'm here.


To everyone who replied with messages, I will PM you this post, instead of replying to you individually on previous threads (unless it was a private conversation that you would like to continue via PM). If you spot me in the wild before seeing this, and ask me what happened, I'll link you here.


It's bitter sweet to return. Bitter, because nothing has changed. Sweet, because I can bug you guys for a bit longer :)

 

[Miss clefable]

Hugs your very brave don't let this put you down you can try again

 

[Deleted member 847]

Don't worry many of us have made goodbye posts and didn't die. Just forget about it and relax. Maybe next time do it in a bathtub.

 

[Ben]

Hugs your very brave don't let this put you down you can try again

Thank you miss. I was stressing very heavily about the decision to return after my failure.

 

[Ben]

Don't worry many of us have made goodbye posts and didn't die. Just forget about it and relax. Maybe next time do it in a bathtub.

I will get over it, but I will not forget about it.

 

[Deleted member 847]

So many of us are so confident about our methods, but then when the time comes we fail for some reason. Almost makes me scared of drinking that poison without having a plan b at hand.

 

[Ben]

So many of us are so confident about our methods, but then when the time comes we fail for some reason. Almost makes me scared of drinking that poison without having a plan b at hand.

I feel like it was my fault, not the methods fault, I failed. It certainly made me more knowledgeable on the method, actually field testing it. Even after all this, it's still my main plan, I'll just prepare a back up now.

 

[Giih]

Hello friends. Allow me to explain myself.


I've now shown I'm incapable of ensuring my pursuit of death is an absolute one. So next time I say goodbye, keep this in mind.


Before my next attempt, I promise to include my gratitude for all of you Along with my farewell. I'm disgusted that I left without a final interaction with the people who clearly care about me. That was beyond selfish, so I apologize to anybody i left without getting a chance of some sort of closure with me.


This now makes my third failure at KTB. I'll detail what happened with me after I made what I thought was my final post here.


Then, I will explain what my current plans are.


There are plenty of little lakes and rivers and just large bodies of water surrounding my city. I can't count the amount of times I spent as a teenager, wandering into the trees with friends to find a drinking spot.


These range road areas are very secluded, only

getting used when a resident of the area needs to make it to town; or an occasional trucker trying a shortcut.


I packed my backpack, only filled with a bottle of whiskey, big flashlight (it gets dark at 930 here now) and an external phone battery. Had a look at google maps to find a good location, and jumped on the bus.


The bus ride was 1.5 hours with 3 transfers. It was hard to not break down during the ride. It felt like that bus was my coffin and the driver was the grim reaper. I was scared and nervous, but still able to confirm to myself, this is what I want. I thought about not getting on the next bus each time I had to transfer. I was so in my own world, I didn't notice I was probably acting like a weirdo lol.


I arrived in the small sister town attached to my cities nutsack. before dark thank god. The Forrest starts almost immediately as you travel one block down outside their perimeter. The location I scouted on the google maps was a 40 min walk away still. During my walk, I started to experience the beginning of what lead to my eventual failure. The cold.


I knew my window to do this the way I want to, is closing rapidly with winter knocking at the door...Which was Another deciding factor in my sudden departure. However, it hasn't been cold long enough, or consistently enough for all the bodies of water to be frozen over. I dressed warm, and I intended to do a quick cardiovascular workout beforehand, so I was not worried about the cold. It's not -40 here, not yet anyway lol.


I started drinking while walking. Sure enough, when I found the water i was looking for, it was not frozen. Almost as cold as water can get without being ice, but not frozen. It was starting to get dark, and I didn't like that. I got half of my bottle down at this point. I got to doing jumping jacks, and just generally whipping my body about.


Working out was a great distraction from having any second thoughts. Even though these were supposed to be my last moments, I felt very focused on spending all the energy I had in me. After 15 (I think?) mins I'm sweating, out of breath, and ready to start hyperventilating. This was it, I was going to do it. I've tested my ability to blackout before, my confidence this would work was unbendable to me.


I approached the water, and walked in knee deep. Fucking freezing cold water. I did my breathing for what felt like 10 minutes, but surely far longer then i needed to according to my trials


I'm crying while I'm writing this by the way. Lightheaded, dizzy, head throbbing, perfect conditions. Already left my backpack behind, I dove in. Shoes, socks, pants, underwear, belt, shirt and sweater, I just dove in. As soon as I did, I felt a sharp pain in my whole body, and my balls shot up into themselves. I felt myself running out of breath very quickly, and I couldn't of been more aware of that. I couldn't stay under...I didn't instantly blackout. It isn't supposed to happen instantly though, I know this, just well within the amount of time you can hold your breath for. It must of been due to the cold for whatever reason...I was not able to stay submerged for longer then what felt like 5 seconds.


Now the only thing I'm able to focus on is how bloody cold I am. My first thought was to get out, do another workout to regain some body heat, and try again. I couldn't stop my teeth from chattering, making keeping my mouth closed difficult.


I dragged my soaked body out of the water, and realized...this is a lost cause at this point. I'm shaking very intensely, and I'm sure that hypothermia is right around the corner. I have no dry clothing, and I'm a 40 minute walk from any chance of getting dry. Sounds like It would of been easy to just crack the rest of the bottle and attempt to ride it out. I probably wouldn't of lasted the cold night if I passed out before getting dry. Unfortunately it takes more than one bottle of whiskey to actually knock me out.


I didn't have a change of heart; wanting to live now. I was upset I am still alive. All I wanted, was to not be so fucking cold. It multiplies all misery by ten, and is no way to spend your last moments here.


Thank god I didn't dive with my phone in my pocket, because I immediately called a cab. I told them which range roads to pick me up at, grabbed my bag, and I fuckin RAN there. I needed to move quickly if I wanted to alleviate the pain of the cold. Dripping wet, squishing with every step.


I met the cab, and apologized for being wet after falling into a puddle. It was obvious I was extremely cold, so I think that's why he didn't hesitate letting me in. Not his fault at all, but he would of left me in a very bad position if he refused my fare. I tipped him as well as I could.


I bought a cheap hotel room in town, because I didn't want to arrive back home like that. the people in my townhouse complex are very nosy, and likely to create a big deal out of seeing me like I was. The receptionist must of been a mother, because I got the "oh you poor thing" treatment, and gave me a stack of extra towels with my room key.


Ran a warm shower the second I walked in. I got the cold out of my bones, and broke down in the shower. I spent SO MUCH time and energy in this, and look where it got me...in a cheap hotel, alive and defeated.

(1/2) I reached the 10000 char limit so I am splitting this into two sections.

God... You're alive...

I was worried...

 

[Giih]

I feel like it was my fault, not the methods fault, I failed. It certainly made me more knowledgeable on the method, actually field testing it. Even after all this, it's still my main plan, I'll just prepare a back up now.

I know how you're feeling

 

[Duqu]

I have the exact same experience with really cold water (I was wearing a life vest though); my body just freaks out and I can't take how it feels. Mind, I was SWIMMING not KTB at the time but I wanted out of that water like nothing else. I've avoided large bodies of water/cold water ever since because I still remember that feeling (and it was like 20 years ago) and never want to experience it again. You are very brave.

 

[Ashpac]

The thing with the drowning method is you have to find somewhere that has a strong current. If not, your survival instincts just wont let you.

A place in the Northeast of England has a good strong current but because a few people have died there accidentally they closed the gate. However, its very easy to climb. I know this because I considered it.

Its called ''High Force'' in County Durham. If anyone wanted to look it up. That current will take anyone down.

 

[RottingFlowerBrains]

Omfg you have no idea how happy I felt when I saw your name on shoutbox.. i valued your opinions so much I felt so sad at the thought of someone so cool n genuine like you passing I even teared up. All my love!!

 

[Ben]

God... You're alive...

I was worried...

Don't be worried about me still being alive. I failed, this is what I want. While I greatly appreciate the sentiment, I will be at peace when I'm gone.

 

[Ben]

I have the exact same experience with really cold water (I was wearing a life vest though); my body just freaks out and I can't take how it feels. Mind, I was SWIMMING not KTB at the time but I wanted out of that water like nothing else. I've avoided large bodies of water/cold water ever since because I still remember that feeling (and it was like 20 years ago) and never want to experience it again. You are very brave.

Thank you for sharing your similar experience. I can't believe I never accounted for the temperature looking back now. It's almost the end of September and I live in Canada...I just decided that day...is it. I didn't even have the energy to think anymore. I was convinced I was in the best mind state I could achieve to attempt to KTB, so i acted on it.

 

[Giih]

Don't be worried about me still being alive. I failed, this is what I want. While I greatly appreciate the sentiment, I will be at peace when I'm gone.

I know, but, I like you here...
I know everybody here will say "Oh ben, the next you can" "Shit" and after all will say "peace bro", damn, fuck them.

I Just liked your posts, It will be nice you here again.

 

[Ben]

The thing with the drowning method is you have to find somewhere that has a strong current. If not, your survival instincts just wont let you.

A place in the Northeast of England has a good strong current but because a few people have died there accidentally they closed the gate. However, its very easy to climb. I know this because I considered it.

Its called ''High Force'' in County Durham. If anyone wanted to look it up. That current will take anyone down.

Yes, with a pure drowning method, you're right, more factors are in play then included in the SWB method.

But strong currents played no role in my failure, nor should the lack of it, be the cause of failure of anybody else attempting the SWB method.

SWB occurs naturally, from everyone to a child playing in a hotels pool, to professional divers exercising theirs skills in the harshest of environments.

 

[Ben]

Omfg you have no idea how happy I felt when I saw your name on shoutbox.. i valued your opinions so much I felt so sad at the thought of someone so cool n genuine like you passing I even teared up. All my love!!

That means a lot to me, really. I would love to open a dialogue with you through PMs if you're interested. Sometimes the lack of having a relevant experience can cause you to go without a reason to relply to anything...I enjoy just talking for the sake of talking if you're bored!

 

[Ben]

I know, but, I like you here...
I know everybody here will say "Oh ben, the next you can" "Shit" and after all will say "peace bro", damn, fuck them.

I Just liked your posts, It will be nice you here again.

Thank you very much, comments like that tell me I made the right decision by not shying away from returning.

 

[Tiburcio]

Hey I fucking love what ur putting out there, not asking for sympathy, not expecting users to post "OMG THIS PERSON DIED". It's easy to tell who was serious about their intentions by the lack of that user posting...not to discredit failed attempts...but don't you EVER expect somebody to go through greif more then once.

If you say your dead, and make all the right moves to make us believe you, only to have you return a few days later saying "lul I couldn't do it". You can take any sympathy I had for you on your first attempt, and slice that MORE then IN HALF if it's your "second goodbye"

If you accept the sympathy of other accpectiing your death, only to return a few days later? Yea, you're gunna get the boy who cried wolf treatment!

If you say you are going to die just for returning some days later, don't exoect sympathy.

Absolutely anything more to say.

 

[Giih]

Thank you very much, comments like that tell me I made the right decision by not shying away from returning.

You're welcome, If you want to talk, you can send a message ^^

 

[RottingFlowerBrains]

If you say you are going to die just for returning some days later, dob't exoect sympathy.

Absolutely anything more to say.

Shit Tiburcio you really know how to bust balls!

 

[skyofAuroras]

I'm sorry you went through all that. Its very discouraging planning and taking all the necessary steps just to fail. Although, as much as a I am pro-choice when it comes to suicide, I am glad you are still here. It's okay to fail an attempt. You'll always be welcomed here.

 

[Ben]

If you say you are going to die just for returning some days later, dob't exoect sympathy.

Absolutely anything more to say.

Let me quote myself, from the post I'm assuming you didn't read in full, based on that reply:


"I've been very vocal about how I feel about that, so don't bother throwing my own words in my face please. I'm doing what I said should lower the impact of a second goodbye post here. Like I said above, you cannot trust me when I say goodbye anymore. Whatever you felt for me when you thought I was gone, please do your best to not go through that again when I make another attempt"

I've also publicly apologized for how I worded that statement

I'm still here, not expecting any sympathy. So what is your point.

 

[Ben]

Shit Tiburcio you really know how to bust balls!

Not really. I anticipated this response because I know what I've said here, so I preemptively responded it to in my post. My guess is they saw I'm back, immediately jumped to quote me on a statement I've apologized for, without hearing what I have to say beforehand

 

[Phro]

It's good to see you, Ben. I'm glad you're okay.

 

[Ben]

I'm sorry you went through all that. Its very discouraging planning and taking all the necessary steps just to fail. Although, as much as a I am pro-choice when it comes to suicide, I am glad you are still here. It's okay to fail an attempt. You'll always be welcomed here.

Thank you sky. I really hope I don't have to spend much more time further explaining myself on this thread. I said everything I had to, and I would prefer if I could just go back to regular interactions before my attempt.

Im just going to continue doing what I was doing before, spending all my time here before I leave lol

 

[Ben]

You're welcome, If you want to talk, you can send a message ^^

I will :)

 

[Ben]

It's good to see you, Ben. I'm glad you're okay.

I'm glad to see positive reactions to my returning, but I can't share anybody's glee for me still being here. Thank you :)

 

[NOISYMIND]

By just reading your words breaks my heart... I surely missed your last goodbye post because of my inactivity, and I am so sorry you went through all that. You've been a good friend to many of us here and I am glad to see you back again Ben. Whatever you're going to do next, you have my support. :)