I'm afraid of failure

[Judy Garland]

My method is SN. And I can't stop hearing and seeing everyone whose been in my life in my head. They tell me, "It's not going to work, it's just going to make you very sick", they even mock me and say, "Drink your salt!". As the time gets closer to when I will attempt to die, I have this feeling of failure, like I already failed. My gut says that drinking my SN will be useless and because I will fail. I have Olanzapine which can be used as an antiemetic, but I know my body. If I throw up the first glass, I don't know if I'll be strong enough to drink the second. Not because I would be giving up, but because my body might have a reflex to immediately throw up the second glass. I might be too nauseated to drink the second glass. I feel like I'm going to fail. And if I fail, I see no end to my suffering in this life. I can't keep living like this. I can't let this continue. I hope I don't fail, but I'm scared.

 

[picklemick]

My method is SN. And I can't stop hearing and seeing everyone whose been in my life in my head. They tell me, "It's not going to work, it's just going to make you very sick", they even mock me and say, "Drink your salt!". As the time gets closer to when I will attempt to die, I have this feeling of failure, like I already failed. My gut says that drinking my SN will be useless and because I will fail. I have Olanzapine which can be used as an antiemetic, but I know my body. If I throw up the first glass, I don't know if I'll be strong enough to drink the second. Not because I would be giving up, but because my body might have a reflex to immediately throw up the second glass. I might be too nauseated to drink the second glass. I feel like I'm going to fail. And if I fail, I see no end to my suffering in this life. I can't keep living like this. I can't let this continue. I hope I don't fail, but I'm scared.

Been staring at my sn feeling the same way for a month

 

[~Q~]

Offering advice on these things is difficult without it seeming like its pushing you one way or the other. I will take a purely medical stance in this case. From everything i have seen, read, heard it works as intended. Personal body aside if you follow the instructions it will work. Fear is your brains way of trying to control the situation.

I strongly urge you to step back and logically consider the choice. Which ever way you land i wish you a safe journey.
~Q

 

[Judy Garland]

Offering advice on these things is difficult without it seeming like its pushing you one way or the other. I will take a purely medical stance in this case. From everything i have seen, read, heard it works as intended. Personal body aside if you follow the instructions it will work. Fear is your brains way of trying to control the situation.

I strongly urge you to step back and logically consider the choice. Which ever way you land i wish you a safe journey.
~Q

"Fear is your brains way of trying to control the situation". What a perfect why to state that. I know it's not a matter of if, but it's a matter of when. I can't keep going for too much longer. I live no kind of life.

 

[Idontmatter]

Failure is one of my biggest fears as well. I keep reading the successful sn threads to make myself feel better. In 2 weeks I'm going for it. I have sn from DD and I also got the SN from Turkey so 2 different sources so I'm ready and have my fingers crossed.

 

[Theanswer]

Anyone know where the post is with the video of PN talking about vomiting and the fear of?

I hear you. I think about failing with SN, too. But I am becoming much more confident because I have researched sooo much and it will work. I think fear of failure might be normal. Agree with previous poster that it's the brain auto function. There was a post somewhere on the threads that I can no longer find with PN speaking about vomiting and the fear of.

 

[Judy Garland]

Failure is one of my biggest fears as well. I keep reading the successful sn threads to make myself feel better. In 2 weeks I'm going for it. I have sn from DD and I also got the SN from Turkey so 2 different sources so I'm ready and have my fingers crossed.

You have the exact same sources that I have! I have Turkey and DD too. I plan on using the Turkey brand first (and hopefully only), and if for some reason it doesn't work, then I have DD. And I hope it doesn't take a second time.

 

[Idontmatter]

You have the exact same sources that I have! I have Turkey and DD too. I plan on using the Turkey brand first (and hopefully only), and if for some reason it doesn't work, then I have DD. And I hope it doesn't take a second time.

I actually was going to do the reverse.. lol. I can post my experience here when I do it as I'm able to. Just depends on how fast things work. At a certain point I'm just going to rest until i fall asleep

 

[Judy Garland]

I actually was going to do the reverse.. lol. I can post my experience here when I do it as I'm able to. Just depends on how fast things work. At a certain point I'm just going to rest until i fall asleep

Yeah I was thinking of posting my experience too. I know I'll have good music playing, but I'm not sure if I'll end up on the couch or in bed. Hopefully I don't end up on the bathroom floor.

 

[Idontmatter]

I'm going to be sitting up in bed probably at first with my vomit bin just in case. I'm hoping if I fast then everything will go pretty fast.

 

[Judy Garland]

A vomit bin! I'm using two large city trash bags. One on the bed, one on the couch. And I'm wondering if I should lay plastic at the foot of my bed in case I vomit in my sleep. I plan on complete fasting for two days. I'm trying to tap into spiritual guidance. We'll see if I actually do that. I want everything expelled from my body, before I drink SN. That way I don't "shit" myself at the same time as throwing up. I read the one article, we all know it, someone woke up in vomit and feces. I do not want that happening with me.

 

[Theanswer]

I'm going to be sitting up in bed probably at first with my vomit bin just in case. I'm hoping if I fast then everything will go pretty fast.

Same. Sit upright in bed right after drinking.

 

[Doombox]

I share your fear. For some people, drinking SN seems calm and like no big deal. For others, it's horrible and they bring it right up, AE or not. It's horrible to not know which side of the fence I would land.

 

[FuneralCry]

I'm sorry that you have these fears. We have already suffered so much in life, so we should not have to suffer as we plan to exit. To me SN does not sound as bad as many other methods and of course many people have succeeded with it, but it is understandable having the fear of failure. I think that often if someone wants something badly, they start to imagine the ways in which it can go wrong. Best wishes. I hope that you find what you are looking for.

 

[Shu]

Completely understandable. For some reason though I don't have the fear of failure whatsoever. I know it's going to work. Especially since I'm using DD. Haven't seen one thread of any failure using DD. I guess maybe I'll bag a little extra with me in case for some reason I do feel I think that's part of the reason why I'm getting the tent as well in case if I do feel I'll wake up and I'll be inside of my tent and not just laying in the middle of the woods and pitch black darkness and not be able to see where I'm going to get back home. I can just hangout in the tent. Actually come to think about it I have had a fear failure a couple of times I just haven't thought about it recently because I feel like it's going to work but if it doesn't work that's going to suck and I hope that I don't sleep longer than the time that my email is scheduled to send out. THAT would be a terrible situation. Come to think about it maybe i should schedule it to send 2 days after. Wishing you the best Judy.

A vomit bin! I'm using two large city trash bags. One on the bed, one on the couch. And I'm wondering if I should lay plastic at the foot of my bed in case I vomit in my sleep. I plan on complete fasting for two days. I'm trying to tap into spiritual guidance. We'll see if I actually do that. I want everything expelled from my body, before I drink SN. That way I don't "shit" myself at the same time as throwing up. I read the one article, we all know it, someone woke up in vomit and feces. I do not want that happening with me.

This is a fear as well the pooping in the past part but going back to that article that person probably didn't fast and didn't do anything properly and for all we know they didn't even drink water with it.
I definitely don't want to vomit and shart at the same time. That would be shitty.

 

[Idontmatter]

That makes

Completely understandable. For some reason though I don't have the fear of failure whatsoever. I know it's going to work. Especially since I'm using DD. Haven't seen one thread of any failure using DD. I guess maybe I'll bag a little extra with me in case for some reason I do feel I think that's part of the reason why I'm getting the tent as well in case if I do feel I'll wake up and I'll be inside of my tent and not just laying in the middle of the woods and pitch black darkness and not be able to see where I'm going to get back home. I can just hangout in the tent. Actually come to think about it I have had a fear failure a couple of times I just haven't thought about it recently because I feel like it's going to work but if it doesn't work that's going to suck and I hope that I don't sleep longer than the time that my email is scheduled to send out. THAT would be a terrible situation. Come to think about it maybe i should schedule it to send 2 days after. Wishing you the best Judy.

This is a fear as well the pooping in the past part but going back to that article that person probably didn't fast and didn't do anything properly and for all we know they didn't even drink water with it.
I definitely don't want to vomit and shart at the same time. That would be shitty.

that make's feel better about mine. I'm lugging my whole 2lb container with me to the hotel..

 

[Theanswer]

That makes

that make's feel better about mine. I'm lugging my whole 2lb container with me to the hotel..

For me, easy lug : )

 

[locked*n*loaded]

I want everything expelled from my body, before I drink SN. That way I don't "shit" myself at the same time as throwing up.

Can't you just use Syrup of Ipecac to expel everything out of your stomach before taking SN?

 

[Judy Garland]

Can't you just use Syrup of Ipecac to expel everything out of your stomach before taking SN?

That's a good idea, but I hate throwing up so I'm not going to do that route. However, I did buy two fleet enemas to give myself before I drink my SN.

 

[locked*n*loaded]

That's a good idea, but I hate throwing up so I'm not going to do that route. However, I did buy two fleet enemas to give myself before I drink my SN.

I understand that, and I don't like throwing up, either, but wouldn't clearing your stomach help with the nausea from the SN, which is probably going to make you throw up, anyway?

 

[Judy Garland]

I understand that, and I don't like throwing up, either, but wouldn't clearing your stomach help with the nausea from the SN, which is probably going to make you throw up, anyway?

I'm just going to fast. I prefer that anyway because I'm hoping to get in touch with my spirit to gain some clarity. My stomach will be clear, no worries. :-)

 

[Shu]

I'm just going to fast. I prefer that anyway because I'm hoping to get in touch with my spirit to gain some clarity. My stomach will be clear, no worries. :-)

This made me think I actually did a 23 day water fast I wonder if I should fast for three or four days before I do this. Good idea Judy.

 

[MisFortunate]

My method is SN. And I can't stop hearing and seeing everyone whose been in my life in my head. They tell me, "It's not going to work, it's just going to make you very sick", they even mock me and say, "Drink your salt!". As the time gets closer to when I will attempt to die, I have this feeling of failure, like I already failed. My gut says that drinking my SN will be useless and because I will fail. I have Olanzapine which can be used as an antiemetic, but I know my body. If I throw up the first glass, I don't know if I'll be strong enough to drink the second. Not because I would be giving up, but because my body might have a reflex to immediately throw up the second glass. I might be too nauseated to drink the second glass. I feel like I'm going to fail. And if I fail, I see no end to my suffering in this life. I can't keep living like this. I can't let this continue. I hope I don't fail, but I'm scared.

I'm scared too JG. My plan is fasting, benzos and my big bottle of SN, that's it. No other add-ons. CTB is already so difficult. I have to stop overthinking everything because it's physically and mentally exhausting. At some point I just have to trust the process.

 

[Judy Garland]

I'm scared too JG. My plan is fasting, benzos and my big bottle of SN, that's it. No other add-ons. CTB is already so difficult. I have to stop overthinking everything because it's physically and mentally exhausting. At some point I just have to trust the process.

Yeah I have to stop overthinking things too. I guess it's natural for us to be worried because this is diving into the unknown.

 

[MisFortunate]

A vomit bin! I'm using two large city trash bags. One on the bed, one on the couch. And I'm wondering if I should lay plastic at the foot of my bed in case I vomit in my sleep. I plan on complete fasting for two days. I'm trying to tap into spiritual guidance. We'll see if I actually do that. I want everything expelled from my body, before I drink SN. That way I don't "shit" myself at the same time as throwing up. I read the one article, we all know it, someone woke up in vomit and feces. I do not want that happening with me.

Yep, I have my contractor trash bags and maybe I will also buy a pack of disposable adult diapers.

 

[Idontmatter]

Trash bags are a good idea. I'm just trying to have to get out of bed. Don't want to risk collapsing and making a bunch of noise

 

[Tmbass]

I feel you, I got everything I need and have already booked plans in the next couple weeks but I trust Stan's guide. Seems to have good feedback and well researched.
Really just wish It will go smoothly you know. Sat on the couch, fave album on, I can take a bit of discomfort but as you say, I just hope my body won't be the one to screw me over when the time comes.

 

[Judy Garland]

I feel you, I got everything I need and have already booked plans in the next couple weeks but I trust Stan's guide. Seems to have good feedback and well researched.
Really just wish It will go smoothly you know. Sat on the couch, fave album on, I can take a bit of discomfort but as you say, I just hope my body won't be the one to screw me over when the time comes.

The only things I have on the list is the Olanzapine for the AE, Ibuprofen, and Tagamet (acid reducer, which is no longer recommended). I don't' have any fancy benzos or anything to calm me down. It feels like I'm going in head first. I'm planning on doing this next Friday. I'm going to have the whole weekend where people aren't going to be bothering me. When I don't show up for therapy on Monday, this will be the first instance where my therapist might be worried and would do a courtesy call with police. She may not though, but it's not like me to miss a session. I HOPE I'm NOT sick in bed the whole weekend due to a botched suicide attempt. That would make me feel awful, with no way out. I hope I left enough time to not be bothered. I could do it earlier in the week, but there is a leak in my bathroom ceiling and maintenance is supposed to make an appearance. Not sure when so that's why I think Friday is the better choice.

 

[toasterbath]

Yeah I know I have to choose this route too eventually and the fear of failure definitely holds me back too. I'm scared of being found and saved too. I don't trust hotels and even being in nature there's alway that "what if?". I overthink and over analyze literally everything. I don't want to mess up and chicken out and end up in the hospital. Then what do you even tell them? Probably have to make up some lie that you were eating salted meat?? I don't want to be involuntarily committed somewhere and my SN taken away.

 

[Judy Garland]

Yeah I know I have to choose this route too eventually and the fear of failure definitely holds me back too. I'm scared of being found and saved too. I don't trust hotels and even being in nature there's alway that "what if?". I overthink and over analyze literally everything. I don't want to mess up and chicken out and end up in the hospital. Then what do you even tell them? Probably have to make up some lie that you were eating salted meat?? I don't want to be involuntarily committed somewhere and my SN taken away.

Yeah, all of those scenarios go through my head too. What's been going through my head with being found is, what happens if a neighbor (I live in an apartment) hears me groan or really loud snoring? What happens if they call the police. How are the police going to get through my door, they'll have to break it open....great. Then they take me in an ambulance while what, my apartment is wide open for people to steal my stuff? And then I think, what am I going to wear while released from the hospital, they'll probably have to cut my clothes off. So what do I do wander on the street in hospital clothes? And what is my landlord going to do if the police do break the door down? How am I going to get back in my apartment....all wearing hospital clothing? So hopefully my neighbors do what they do now....they don't care a lick about me and don't pay attention to any noises. I hope they just ignore any groaning and snoring. They should. But get this. One of my neighbors was talking to our other neighbor and I heard her say, "Yeah he says he wants to die, that he wants to kill himself". She clearly heard me as she was walking by my bedroom window. Because I say it all the time, "I need to die, I've got to go soon". So they were definitely talking about me. They haven't done anything though....I just hope they won't be on any type of alert.