I'm a piece of shit

[Angst Filled Fuck Up]

My girlfriend and I have been together 7 years. We met in an outpatient therapy group in 2015. At first she says she found me tall, good looking, funny, smart, opinionated. She liked my accent. But over the years she became so much more functional than me. She excelled, got a well-paying job, and now I'm left in the dust. Stuck at home, looking after the dog and consuming pointless media.

I knew at the time that my issues weren't passing, that my mystery illness would keep me limited in terms of energy and functioning in general. Many people in that therapy group were in their early twenties and had temporary behavioral or anxiety-related issues. And not to be reductive towards that, but I realized at the time that a lot of those problems were associated with youth. In line with that, she's much younger than me and essentially outgrew her problems like I knew many of those people would.

Over the course of our time together, I have not been able to beat my condition. At times it felt worse, but throughout it all, it has sort of waxed and waned. It makes me dizzy, extremely brain fogged, and exhausted all the time. All I really look forward to is music or watching a movie, and eating something good. Maybe a quick walk or trip to the store. But above all, just going to sleep.

As more time passed, I became less and less interested in things like sex. I'm not proud of this, but my energy has been so low these days that my only release is porn, which of course is a big drain on a person's partner. I asked for her understanding on that one. Again, it's not how I would have wanted things, but I'm just not up to being intimate.

Lately she's so angry towards me, almost vengeful. It's like she hates me but she still won't leave. I overheard her say she resents me and that I don't deserve anything. How she's wasted her love on me. For my part, I feel like I'm a slave to my condition and can only do what I'm up to. But I do also acknowledge there isn't much in this for her anymore. Although I am always there for her, I have her back on anything I possibly can. I think I'm empathetic and a good cuddler and communicator.

In any case, I know it's not enough. And I can't just take off myself because I have nobody else and would struggle to pay bills alone, but would likely also experience crippling isolation and loneliness that I fear would push me over the edge.

I guess her and I are more like roommates now, trapped, and can't really escape, although she could ditch me if she really wanted to. I just feel very alone, and scared for my future. I often can't see a way out other than ctb. I know I'd run into these same issues with someone new too, so it's not like I can just find someone else.

I'm just ranting I guess. There are no good solutions that I can come up with. Thanks for reading.

 

[Suicidebydeath]

That's awful. I don't know why she says that, but its awful when relationships turn sour. I know her words hit the hardest but I don't think you're a piece of shit and I don't think you deserve nothing. For now I think you can only ignore & try to forget she said that. She might apologise eventually.

I think the only other thing you can do is try to repair the relationship somehow. I know that's easier said than done, I'm sure you're already giving 100%. Like you said, there's no good solutions, if I knew a better answer I would give it. Just putting myself in your place. 7 years is a long time.

If you want to stay with her, you will have to give up the porn I think. The alternative of losing her sounds worse to me. Again, if I was in your position.

 

[Julgran]

My girlfriend and I have been together 7 years. We met in an outpatient therapy group in 2015. At first she says she found me tall, good looking, funny, smart, opinionated. She liked my accent. But over the years she became so much more functional than me. She excelled, got a well-paying job, and now I'm left in the dust. Stuck at home, looking after the dog and consuming pointless media.

I knew at the time that my issues weren't passing, that my mystery illness would keep me limited in terms of energy and functioning in general. Many people in that therapy group were in their early twenties and had temporary behavioral or anxiety-related issues. And not to be reductive towards that, but I realized at the time that a lot of those problems were associated with youth. In line with that, she's much younger than me and essentially outgrew her problems like I knew many of those people would.

Over the course of our time together, I have not been able to beat my condition. At times it felt worse, but throughout it all, it has sort of waxed and waned. It makes me dizzy, extremely brain fogged, and exhausted all the time. All I really look forward to is music or watching a movie, and eating something good. Maybe a quick walk or trip to the store. But above all, just going to sleep.

As more time passed, I became less and less interested in things like sex. I'm not proud of this, but my energy has been so low these days that my only release is porn, which of course is a big drain on a person's partner. I asked for her understanding on that one. Again, it's not how I would have wanted things, but I'm just not up to being intimate.

Lately she's so angry towards me, almost vengeful. It's like she hates me but she still won't leave. I overheard her say she resents me and that I don't deserve anything. How she's wasted her love on me. For my part, I feel like I'm a slave to my condition and can only do what I'm up to. But I do also acknowledge there isn't much in this for her anymore. Although I am always there for her, I have her back on anything I possibly can. I think I'm empathetic and a good cuddler and communicator.

In any case, I know it's not enough. And I can't just take off myself because I have nobody else and would struggle to pay bills alone, but would likely also experience crippling isolation and loneliness that I fear would push me over the edge.

I guess her and I are more like roommates now, trapped, and can't really escape, although she could ditch me if she really wanted to. I just feel very alone, and scared for my future. I often can't see a way out other than ctb. I know I'd run into these same issues with someone new too, so it's not like I can just find someone else.

I'm just ranting I guess. There are no good solutions that I can come up with. Thanks for reading.

You mention that you have a mysery illness and other illnesses - which are those..? It seems like your girlfriend grew tired of the current life that you two have shared, and is looking for something better, so do you believe that your illnesses are keeping you from trying to achieve a higher education or a better job..?

 

[Angst Filled Fuck Up]

That's awful. I don't know why she says that, but its awful when relationships turn sour. I know her words hit the hardest but I don't think you're a piece of shit and I don't think you deserve nothing. For now I think you can only ignore & try to forget she said that. She might apologise eventually.

I think the only other thing you can do is try to repair the relationship somehow. I know that's easier said than done, I'm sure you're already giving 100%. Like you said, there's no good solutions, if I knew a better answer I would give it. Just putting myself in your place. 7 years is a long time.

If you want to stay with her, you will have to give up the porn I think. The alternative of losing her sounds worse to me. Again, if I was in your position.

I think so too. I mean I try to keep things innocent and just play like a video game instead of opting for that. But I still have urges, oftentimes combined with virtually zero energy. At the same time, I know she feels betrayed by it on some level. So I feel stuck there. Thanks for your reply.

You mention that you have a mysery illness and other illnesses - which are those..? It seems like your girlfriend grew tired of the current life that you two have shared, and is looking for something better, so do you believe that your illnesses are keeping you from trying to achieve a higher education or a better job..?

I just do some gig work like driving for Uber when I am having a good phase. The condition I have is multi-symptomatic so it's difficult to know what parts of it are due to that and what are other things/just getting older. I have back pain, IBS, muscle twitches and jerks etc. In addition to the dizziness, brain fog, and fatigue, all of which are quite intense. I feel like I couldn't really study or do a 9-5 at this point.

 

[WhiteRabbit]

I'm in the same boat. I think a lot of chronically ill people are. My husband isn't outwardly resentful yet, but he also isn't someone who shows his cards like that, so idk what he's really thinking. I actually used to make more money than him in the beginning, but now he's become the successful one and I've become a total burden. I hate the guilt and fear of being ill and not being able to support myself, I see no real future. I know that one day he's going to want leave me, and tbh I don't really want to live to see that.

 

[rainbowbright]

I can relate to this soooo much on several points!

 

[Yavannah]

regarding your mysterious illness:
have you ever seen an endocrinologist to check your adrenal and thyroid hormones?
im suffering from Addison disease and hypothyroid and the symptoms you experience i know to well
what are your other symptoms if i may ask?

 

[Angst Filled Fuck Up]

regarding your mysterious illness:
have you ever seen an endocrinologist to check your adrenal and thyroid hormones?
im suffering from Addison disease and hypothyroid and the symptoms you experience i know to well
what are your other symptoms if i may ask?

I don't think I've seen that particular specialist but I've done just about everything else. Had all the MRIs, blood tests, spinal taps, etc. I have a lot of medical debt from all this crap and still no answers.

Plus it's just so hard to know what obscure rabbit hole to go down. Lyme disease, adrenal fatigue, vitamin D deficiency, chronic fatigue, etc etc.

In the end I got overwhelmed with all the doctors looking at me like I was crazy and also racked up too much debt to really pursue this anymore. Half of them don't even believe in some of the more niche conditions, so I sometimes couldn't even get referrals. My own diagnosis is just simply "fucked".

 

[newave3]

Dear Angst, none of what you say makes you a piece of shit. You are a kind, thoughtful and well regarded member of the SS community. You are suffering from an undiagnosed mental or medical condition that manifests itself in the symptoms you describe. It sounds like Major Depressive Disorder to me. I also am fatigued and only look forward to music, eating and sleeping.I don't give a damn about anything else.
Try not to be so hard on yourself. The true pieces of shit are people that deal drugs, rob people, murder, rape or vote for democrats.
Being alone ain't so bad. You can get used to it. Lord knows, I have. You might qualify for SSI or SSDI in your state. You can supplement that with an off the books gig like Uber. You can make it. Don't fear being alone. It can be very peaceful and stress free. You're a good guy. Things will work out.

Newave

 

[Angst Filled Fuck Up]

Thanks for the support guys. Part of me wants love and more money in my life to strike out and be independent and maybe get some answers, with a good support system.

The other part just wants to end it all and "go see the manager" up there. I genuinely feel like I've been saddled with too much shit to cope with.

Dear Angst, none of what you say makes you a piece of shit. You are a kind, thoughtful and well regarded member of the SS community. You are suffering from an undiagnosed mental or medical condition that manifests itself in the symptoms you describe. It sounds like Major Depressive Disorder to me. I also am fatigued and only look forward to music, eating and sleeping.I don't give a damn about anything else.
Try not to be so hard on yourself. The true pieces of shit are people that deal drugs, rob people, murder, rape or vote for democrats.
Being alone ain't so bad. You can get used to it. Lord knows, I have. You might qualify for SSI or SSDI in your state. You can supplement that with an off the books gig like Uber. You can make it. Don't fear being alone. It can be very peaceful and stress free. You're a good guy. Things will work out.

Newave

That is really kind, man. Thanks a million. If you ever want to talk more about the stuff you go through, you can always get a hold of me. You are honestly a really good dude.

 

[rainbowbright]

Dear Angst, none of what you say makes you a piece of shit. You are a kind, thoughtful and well regarded member of the SS community. You are suffering from an undiagnosed mental or medical condition that manifests itself in the symptoms you describe. It sounds like Major Depressive Disorder to me. I also am fatigued and only look forward to music, eating and sleeping.I don't give a damn about anything else.
Try not to be so hard on yourself. The true pieces of shit are people that deal drugs, rob people, murder, rape or vote for democrats.
Being alone ain't so bad. You can get used to it. Lord knows, I have. You might qualify for SSI or SSDI in your state. You can supplement that with an off the books gig like Uber. You can make it. Don't fear being alone. It can be very peaceful and stress free. You're a good guy. Things will work out.

Newave

What a wonderful reply, lovely way with words

 

[WhiteRabbit]

I don't think I've seen that particular specialist but I've done just about everything else. Had all the MRIs, blood tests, spinal taps, etc. I have a lot of medical debt from all this crap and still no answers.

Plus it's just so hard to know what obscure rabbit hole to go down. Lyme disease, adrenal fatigue, vitamin D deficiency, chronic fatigue, etc etc.

In the end I got overwhelmed with all the doctors looking at me like I was crazy and also racked up too much debt to really pursue this anymore. Half of them don't even believe in some of the more niche conditions, so I sometimes couldn't even get referrals. My own diagnosis is just simply "fucked".

This is so common. There is so much the medical community is in the dark about. Before I got sick I used to think that there was a drug or procedure for just about everything, but the truth is there's a lot of people suffering with no effective treatment or no diagnosis at all.

Hell, I actually have diagnosed, recognized illnesses, and they have very little treatment. Mostly just "lifestyle changes" to try and manage symptoms. And one of the medications they gave me to try and help ended up making me permanently worse. Now I have an autonomic nervous system condition that I didn't have before.

It's all bullshit, tbh.

 

[Angst Filled Fuck Up]

This is so common. There is so much the medical community is in the dark about. Before I got sick I used to think that there was a drug or procedure for just about everything, but the truth is there's a lot of people suffering with no effective treatment or no diagnosis at all.

Hell, I actually have diagnosed, recognized illnesses, and they have very little treatment. Mostly just "lifestyle changes" to try and manage symptoms. And one of the medications they gave me to try and help ended up making me permanently worse. Now I have an autonomic nervous system condition that I didn't have before.

It's all bullshit, tbh.

I'm sorry to read that. It's really not right. Like it's up to us to self-diagnose? Why do we have to be the only ones fighting for ourselves? Isn't that their job? Then you get the "that's cute, but no" spiel once you actually do your research and come in to see them with an idea.

Imagine if your car broke down and you had to figure it out yourself before you took it to the mechanic.

It makes me sick.

 

[Supersadmommy90]

Wish you would consider quitting porn and fixing your sex life as that seems the obvious answer, unless that is completely foregone option. You are a porn addict and that is what the problem is. You need to do a dopamine fast and deprogram your brain from needing that stim. Do you not find your gf attractive or just feel the relationship is past point of being fixed. Having sex with her and saving and presenting her with boner would be a start. Although she may reject just keep saving and showing her you are hard for her. The worst she can do is seethe and turn it down but you might catch her sometime while horny and you may have sex. You have to be the one to show interest and fix the probllem you caused, donèt be deterred by rejection after a;ll, you were the first to reject her sexually. Keep offering would be only advice if you wanted to try to fix as sex is the glue that binds although not all important it is not to underappreciate

 

[whatevs]

That's awful. I don't know why she says that, but its awful when relationships turn sour.

Not a mystery. Most people resent their partner if they "grow" and they don't. Of course, having a chronic illness should ellicit compassion, but it doesn't really change how a person feels if they're averagely selfish.

Why not give ditching porn a go? Basedmom is right. If you give her something of what she wants the situation will be less tense.

 

[Yavannah]

I don't think I've seen that particular specialist but I've done just about everything else. Had all the MRIs, blood tests, spinal taps, etc. I have a lot of medical debt from all this crap and still no answers.

Plus it's just so hard to know what obscure rabbit hole to go down. Lyme disease, adrenal fatigue, vitamin D deficiency, chronic fatigue, etc etc.

In the end I got overwhelmed with all the doctors looking at me like I was crazy and also racked up too much debt to really pursue this anymore. Half of them don't even believe in some of the more niche conditions, so I sometimes couldn't even get referrals. My own diagnosis is just simply "fucked".

im sorry for your suffering and believe me i understand i really do!
if you find the energy search for a reputable endocrinologist that checks your cortisol and aldosterone levels and does a FULL thyroid panel: TSH,T3,T4,rT3,rT4,MAK,TRAK,TAK
most physicians only test for TSH in blood work which is not enough to rule out hypothroid or hashimotos (autoimmune thyroid disorder) thats one of the reason many stay undiagnosed and are suffering in silence getting prescribed antidepressants that to nothing because the root of the problem is not addressed
if your adrenals and/or thyroid dont produce enough hormones your whole body cant function properly
low libido is a typical symptom too - i thought and was told that im asexual
and thats not something you can fix with nutrition and supplements and meditating
body needs hormon substitution therapy!
a psychiatrist told me that back then in medical school they learned to send patients with depression,anxiety, OCD to an endocrinologist before starting therapy to rule out hormon imbalances.
wishing you the best my friend

 

[Angst Filled Fuck Up]

@whatevs yeah I agree I should but it's a bit more nuanced. The fatigue is really bad which affects my ability to perform. So it's not like I just stopped finding her attractive and got addicted to porn. It was more like it became more comfortable to be alone and there was no pressure on me to "do well". Thanks for your insight.

im sorry for your suffering and believe me i understand i really do!
if you find the energy search for a reputable endocrinologist that checks your cortisol and aldosterone levels and does a FULL thyroid panel: TSH,T3,T4,rT3,rT4,MAK,TRAK,TAK
most physicians only test for TSH in blood work which is not enough to rule out hypothroid or hashimotos (autoimmune thyroid disorder) thats one of the reason many stay undiagnosed and are suffering in silence getting prescribed antidepressants that to nothing because the root of the problem is not addressed
if your adrenals and/or thyroid dont produce enough hormones your whole body cant function properly
low libido is a typical symptom too - i thought and was told that im asexual
and thats not something you can fix with nutrition and supplements and meditating
body needs hormon substitution therapy!
a psychiatrist told me that back then in medical school they learned to send patients with depression,anxiety, OCD to an endocrinologist before starting therapy to rule out hormon imbalances.
wishing you the best my friend

That's really helpful to know, thanks. I had also been feeling borderline asexual at times.

Strange how they don't suggest this stuff off the bat, but I guess it's like we said, sometimes you have to really prod them. Hope you feel better in the future.

 

[CTB Dream]

Not worry not piece shit, see age time move make thi g hard still possible overcome some if think so, sorry this happen relation make suffer hope feel ok

 

[WhiteRabbit]

I'm sorry to read that. It's really not right. Like it's up to us to self-diagnose? Why do we have to be the only ones fighting for ourselves? Isn't that their job? Then you get the "that's cute, but no" spiel once you actually do your research and come in to see them with an idea.

Imagine if your car broke down and you had to figure it out yourself before you took it to the mechanic.

It makes me sick.

Yep. The dismissive attitude kills me, they're like "um, yeah, good luck with that". Meanwhile your whole life is falling apart.

You really do have to be your own advocate, which can be tough when you feel like shit and they aren't listening anyway. And of course here in the US you often can't even get all the testing you need to figure things out because it's so expensive. Like you, I also have medical debt from all the specialist visits, testing, and pain management.

Honestly, this shit has made me kind of bitter. I hate it. I would give anything to feel good and be pain free again.

 

[Angst Filled Fuck Up]

Yep. The dismissive attitude kills me, they're like "um, yeah, good luck with that". Meanwhile your whole life is falling apart.

You really do have to be your own advocate, which can be tough when you feel like shit and they aren't listening anyway. And of course here in the US you often can't even get all the testing you need to figure things out because it's so expensive. Like you, I also have medical debt from all the specialist visits, testing, and pain management.

Honestly, this shit has made me kind of bitter. I hate it. I would give anything to feel good and be pain free again.

I wish you could get better help too. This low effort cookie cutter treatment nonsense is so draining.

 

[whatevs]

Honestly man, give up the doctor carousel. I did and now I am doing what I can with my illness. I spent 6 years throwing money, time and hope to doctors and quacks, including psychologists. I had 2000 posts in a forum dedicated to talking about "free test", "prolactin" , "intestinal inflammation", "the methylcobalamin protocol", etc. I'm telling you that was a huge fucking waste of time. I even got freaking genetic tests done. I went to an actual exorcist, for fuck's sake.

There's no cure in that direction IMO, not for me at least. I met someone here and we chat everyday, I got a programming job, my life feels less empty. I'm haggard and exhausted everyday still, but my parents buy shit, cook most of the time and even drive me to work.

I'm just enjoying the time that is left, or better said, filling it with something. I have a feeling this won't last.

 

[Angst Filled Fuck Up]

Honestly man, give up the doctor carousel. I did and now I am doing what I can with my illness. I spent 6 years throwing money, time and hope to doctors and quacks, including psychologists. I had 2000 posts in a forum dedicated to talking about "free test", "prolactin" , "intestinal inflammation", "the methylcobalamin protocol", etc. I'm telling you that was a huge fucking waste of time. I even got freaking genetic tests done. I went to an actual exorcist, for fuck's sake.

There's no cure in that direction IMO, not for me at least. I met someone here and we chat everyday, I got a programming job, my life feels less empty. I'm haggard and exhausted everyday still, but my parents buy shit, cook most of the time and even drive me to work.

I'm just enjoying the time that is left, or better said, filling it with something. I have a feeling this won't last.

Sorry man, that's really shitty. I stopped going to docs a while back, but every once in a while I think "just one more test might uncover it".

At least this guy gives me some purpose.

 

[NumbItAll]

Did something happen around the time those symptoms started that could possibly have something to do with it? That is very frustrating trying everything and not getting answers.

 

[Angst Filled Fuck Up]

Did something happen around the time those symptoms started that could possibly have something to do with it? That is very frustrating trying everything and not getting answers.

A few things happened prior to it. First I caught Mono. Then a bit later I randomly got Campylobacteriosis from some bad chicken. I was in hospital with that for 4 days because I had such a severe reaction and couldn't keep any liquid down. Soon after that, I was discharged and started developing all these symptoms.

I started to think about some infection reactivation or a triggered immune-based response that won't go away. But idk. That was in 2014 and I'm still suffering. This has been going on for 8 years now. My day to day functioning is basically that of a mid-to-late stage cancer patient, only I'm not terminal.

 

[whatevs]

Sorry man, that's really shitty. I stopped going to docs a while back, but every once in a while I think "just one more test might uncover it".

At least this guy gives me some purpose.

View attachment 99247

I see your cute joyful dog. Here's mine! She looks sad but she isn't.

 

[Someone123]

I don't think I've seen that particular specialist but I've done just about everything else. Had all the MRIs, blood tests, spinal taps, etc. I have a lot of medical debt from all this crap and still no answers.

Plus it's just so hard to know what obscure rabbit hole to go down. Lyme disease, adrenal fatigue, vitamin D deficiency, chronic fatigue, etc etc.

In the end I got overwhelmed with all the doctors looking at me like I was crazy and also racked up too much debt to really pursue this anymore. Half of them don't even believe in some of the more niche conditions, so I sometimes couldn't even get referrals. My own diagnosis is just simply "fucked".

Sadly, every year new medical conditions are discovered and you may have one that science has not discovered or understood yet. Do you have a plan for if she leaves? This may happen. Medical debt could be cleared through bankruptcy potentially but then what? I am very sorry for your very difficult situation.

 

[Angst Filled Fuck Up]

Sadly, every year new medical conditions are discovered and you may have one that science has not discovered or understood yet. Do you have a plan for if she leaves? This may happen. Medical debt could be cleared through bankruptcy potentially but then what? I am very sorry for your very difficult situation.

Yeah it's a tough one. I have a little in savings but would definitely have a monthly/structural problem if something happens.

All things considered it is likely that I do have something science hasn't figured out yet. Just seems too tough to live out a natural lifespan with this. I mean I'm still quite young.

 

[Someone123]

Yeah it's a tough one. I have a little in savings but would definitely have a monthly/structural problem if something happens.

All things considered it is likely that I do have something science hasn't figured out yet. Just seems too tough to live out a natural lifespan with this. I mean I'm still quite young.

Have any type of treatments for symptoms helped at all? Is it possible that maybe there are still known medical conditions that could be explored?

 

[Angst Filled Fuck Up]

Have any type of treatments for symptoms helped at all? Is it possible that maybe there are still known medical conditions that could be explored?

I've only really tried psych meds, supplements, and lifestyle changes. No real improvement. I can't find anything else to try because I can't get a diagnosis, so it's hard to know what to do. I'm sure there are potential conditions that explain it, but it's nothing the docs have heard of, so it's just been me Googling to no avail. It could be any number of obscure conditions.

 

[locked*n*loaded]

There aren't too many women in this world who will acceptingly play second fiddle to a porn addiction from their man. At least not for long. A woman needs to feel that she is the only one that her man desires, that when she looks into his eyes, that she is the only one. That she is the most special person to you in every way. I don't think you mentioned it, but if your porn addiction leads you to self gratification, that is indeed a large blow to your gf's ego. She is not being fulfilled and this is not going to be sustainable in the long term. Whether or not you have the energy to fulfill her is immaterial to her. The way she, most likely, sees it is if you have enough energy for porn, you should have enough energy for her. She needs to know that when you look at her that you want to devour her. As a young woman, I'd be surprised if she hung around too long under the circumstances you describe. You're not in a "for better or for worse" situation here as husband and wife. You're in a girlfriend - boyfriend relationship. I don't know where you see your relationship with her going, but she's going to think long and hard about going to the next step with you, if the current step isn't even where it should be.