I'm a Monster and I need to ctb to protect others from me.

[intothenight]

I thought I could shake these feelings, I really did. Thought I could lead a normal life. Thought I could belong.

But I can't.

It would be easy to say that this is my dark side, everyone has one... fuck that. This isn't simply a side, this is me and as much as I want to not be this, I am.

I want to meet you, I want to hurt you, I want to rape you and then make the light leave your eyes.

I'd ctb right after, 'cause this is something I could never come back from.

I simply can't shake this. I've wanted to do it for as long as I can remember. You can say it's merely a fantasy, I can go to some bdsm websites and find someone to do this with in a safe way as a roleplay - I've done that and it's not satisfying.

I can't do it. But I feel the urge getting stronger everyday.

I have to ctb.

 

[NonEssential]

There's sometimes an Intrusive thought regarding doing terrible things to feel in control or have any sort of power. Hopefully you can keep those as mere fantasies and maybe find some kind of help if you truly fear you're a danger to others.

 

[lookingglassinsect]

Many antidepressants and antipsychotics can reduce libido.
I've read about some guys who take oral contraceptives to kill they libido.

 

[Apathy79]

Yeah ctb seems the better of the 2 options if you can't find another way.

 

[intothenight]

There's sometimes an Intrusive thought regarding doing terrible things to feel in control or have any sort of power. Hopefully you can keep those as mere fantasies and maybe find some kind of help if you truly fear you're a danger to others.

I tried therapy, as soon as you mention any sort of sexual fantasies, most therapists will shut down and are unwilling to discuss it open-mindedly. They'll label you as a Monster, which, thanks I know I am. Fuck you.
I've tried cnc (roleplay), which doesn't go far enough. Apparently a woman pretending to not enjoy sex while being horny as fuck isn't realistic enough.

 

[intothenight]

Yeah ctb seems the better of the 2 options if you can't find another way.

Well thanks, same to you.

Many antidepressants and antipsychotics can reduce libido.
I've read about some guys who take oral contraceptives to kill they libido.

Yeah, but they make me feel numb in too many other areas. Living like a zombie isn't how I'd want to continue.

 

[darksouls]

I am so sorry you are suffering so much
that all sounds very cruel
you seem to have a good heart
hope you find the relief you search for
I am sending you hugs and love

 

[bankai]

I'm on your side. You explicitly state that you don't want to do it. A lot of people have violent compulsions or obsessions. The important thing is not to indulge in them.

But I read that you say you want to CTB right after. Please don't.Don't use that as an excuse. No one deserves that, do they? That kind of thing happening to them. I have people I don't like in my life. I wouldn't do anything to harm them even if I took my own life.
Sometimes I imagine it though.What it would be like to take someone out who has harmed me? I know it might not be the exact same as your compulsion though.

But let me tell you what you're doing that's very different from people that go through with it. You're trying to discuss it here. Psychopaths or sociopaths will just go through with it with no remorse. I hope you see that you are definitely not in that category.

 

[intothenight]

I'm on your side. You explicitly state that you don't want to do it. A lot of people have violent compulsions or obsessions. The important thing is not to indulge in them.

But I read that you say you want to CTB right after. Please don't.Don't use that as an excuse. No one deserves that, do they? That kind of thing happening to them. I have people I don't like in my life. I wouldn't do anything to harm them even if I took my own life.
Sometimes I imagine it though.What it would be like to take someone out who has harmed me? I know it might not be the exact same as your compulsion though.

But let me tell you what you're doing that's very different from people that go through with it. You're trying to discuss it here. Psychopaths or sociopaths will just go through with it with no remorse. I hope you see that you are definitely not in that category.

Thank you, that means a lot.
I wouldn't hurt anyone I know, that's not the urge.
I actually met someone online a few years ago who said I could do it, as long as I end her after... I didn't go through with it. I know I'm not a sociopath, but I have tendencies in that direction. And urges that I have to constantly fight. It's exhausting.

 

[nobodycaresaboutme]

i'm really sorry you are in this distress.
sounds like you are a kind soul that doesn't want to harm anyone else at all rather than you are a monster
you deserve compassion, we are here for you

 

[bankai]

Thank you, that means a lot.
I wouldn't hurt anyone I know, that's not the urge.
I actually met someone online a few years ago who said I could do it, as long as I end her after... I didn't go through with it. I know I'm not a sociopath, but I have tendencies in that direction. And urges that I have to constantly fight. It's exhausting.

Ah,I feel for her.She must have suffered so bad to get to that point. I've seen people make posts and threads like that on this site.

You're a good guy, don't doubt yourself.

 

[NonEssential]

I tried therapy, as soon as you mention any sort of sexual fantasies, most therapists will shut down and are unwilling to discuss it open-mindedly. They'll label you as a Monster, which, thanks I know I am. Fuck you.
I've tried cnc (roleplay), which doesn't go far enough. Apparently a woman pretending to not enjoy sex while being horny as fuck isn't realistic enough.

Yeah, honestly seems getting help for this kind of thing is very difficult. Ngl, I got some pretty fucked up fantasies too, but I'd never admit to that outside of an anonymous forum like this.

 

[Tired_birth_1967]

The mind can have unexplainable disorders. Rationally, this seems as bad to me as life itself. Try to reprogram it. You end up becoming what life is to me: indifferent, cruel, murderous. Before that, it's better not to exist. The positive point here is that you recognize that you are a monster. I hope you stop being one.

 

[eattwinkiesseejesus]

I need to ctb to save others from me too (we don't share the same struggle) but we share the same mindset behind it - I'm here if you need or want someone to talk to (I might be able to offer some direction in your current dilemma as well if your interested)

 

[bankai]

Thank you, that means a lot.
I wouldn't hurt anyone I know, that's not the urge.
I actually met someone online a few years ago who said I could do it, as long as I end her after... I didn't go through with it. I know I'm not a sociopath, but I have tendencies in that direction. And urges that I have to constantly fight. It's exhausting.

similar situation here. I have to contend with a baseline of emptiness. I'm not happy at all. so everyday is just going through the motions. there's nothing to live for really. if I had a passion that made me happy It would be a life worth living. anything, any hobby but no nothing really does it.

The mind can have unexplainable disorders. Rationally, this seems as bad to me as life itself. Try to reprogram it. You end up becoming what life is to me: indifferent, cruel, murderous. Before that, it's better not to exist. The positive point here is that you recognize that you are a monster. I hope you stop being one.

very true. people can call it evil but the truth is it's just our chemistry. nothing we can do about it.

 

[intothenight]

similar situation here. I have to contend with a baseline of emptiness. I'm not happy at all. so everyday is just going through the motions. there's nothing to live for really. if I had a passion that made me happy It would be a life worth living. anything, any hobby but no nothing really does it.

I think it's a slightly different situation. I know what would make me... not happy I guess, but content. It feels like my mind might be quiet afterwards. But of course, the hurt I've caused isn't worth that.

 

[bankai]

I think it's a slightly different situation. I know what would make me... not happy I guess, but content. It feels like my mind might be quiet afterwards. But of course, the hurt I've caused isn't worth that.

lol, I guess so.mainly because that isn't happiness, it's just pleasure. happiness doesn't come easy.

it's just like food, no matter how much you eat, you'll get hungry again later on.

very deep I know

 

[intothenight]

lol, I guess so.mainly because that isn't happiness, it's just pleasure. happiness doesn't come easy.

it's just like food, no matter how much you eat, you'll get hungry again later on.

very deep I know

It's true though. Happiness doesn't last. Any form of satisfaction we achieve isn't our baseline. We are eternally unsatisfied, hungry, thirsty, horny, tired, whatever. And we constantly have to do something to not feel like this. We've built our entire society around exploiting each other for these brief moments of satisfaction, we work jobs we hate to be able to afford food which satisfies us for brief moments. When you think about it, it's a fucked up system.

 

[finalgoodbye:(]

we work jobs we hate to be able to afford food which satisfies us for brief moments

Reminds me of the line from Fight club,
We work jobs we hate so we can buy shit that we don't need