I'm a gross, depraved loser.Is it truly the end for me

[kmjosh]

Hi SaSu.
I'm m20.
I'm a new user and probably not too long for this Earth lol.
I have recently begin to make my mind up about ending my life, which isn't the basic suicidal ideation stuff anymore.

I'm genuinely planning to buy a cutter from our local bookstore and bleed to death.

I have realized that I am quite literally a detestable, perverted, sick and depraved person that has done embarrassing things that will never make me not ashamed. Even with how many times I try to repent and improve myself.
(And no, you sick fucks nothing minor or pdf related. I'm not too depraved for that shit).

Case in point, I am a very morbid person. I am addicted to watching gore clips/materials to the point I'm desensitized to horrific videos. Stuff like cartel beheadings or flaying, or stuff like Ronnie McNutt.

For some fucking reason, I always get some sick thrill with showing friends or family (and even on public transportation) these material. At first it was unintentional. Me being so desensitized, thinking other people can handle it. But once I start feeling ashamed, and noticed people thinking I'm an actual psychopath.

I doubled down and continued to grow even worst. Like it's form of self flagellation and punishment but also something that just feels right but wrong.

And yes, as of late. I've burned all existing bridges that I have with other people. People that still want to be friends with me, I avoid. And don't feel that I deserve to talk to them.

But then, I feel ashamed. Angry. Disgusted that I stooped so low to this level of inherent wrongness. But I just couldn't stop. I know I'm gross. I know I'll never be normal.
I see my colleagues do normal things like go to parties, have relationships, listen and watch mainstream stuff. And here I am, engrossed in my sick little world watching someone from Russia be hammered to death with a claw hammer.

I think that's basically how I feel.
I feel like I'm a mentally ill loser who's never meant to reach anything in life.
So what's the point of living anymore?
All it takes is to cut that small vein below your thumb.

Maybe like in the concept of Darwinism.
Some people just don't really "make it" and just die out for the sake of other dominant gene to thrive. Maybe, I'm the stupid fish that died out so dolphins can exist.

 

[pepperfarmer]

I feel you. I was exposed to racist shock humor online since I was 10 and got groomed by white supremacists at around age 13-14, to the point I'd expose innocent people in games online to it as 'humor' accompanied by said supremacists to get their validation. I was only able to shake them off of me at age 17 and the guilt eats me alive, thinking about how many innocent kids my age or less I could've hurt.

I don't know your life story, but I'd personally invite you to evaluate the context of your behavior. If you've been exposed to it from an early age and/or have a history of being abused, it is valuable context to understand your behavior. For me both things were true, and since I was so used to being verbally and physically abused, I thought anyone offended by my racist behavior/'humor' must've been weak. Your self perception can also play a big role. Someone convinced they're a certain way will inevitably act out such 'role', as it becomes part of their identity. I know it played a big role in my past behavior, too.

Obviously I don't mean to bring this up as an excuse to absolve yourself, but as a way to understand yourself and why you did what you did. To me it sounds like you were put through a lot and sadly responded in a destructive way, which is way different from just being a 'depraved person'. A healthy process of accountability, self-examination, and redemption could put you back on the right track and let you become someone you'd be proud of. What you might've done is gross, but you can do better and be better. If you can, apologize to people you've upset or hurt, unless it has been a long time. Don't expect forgiveness, but also understand that you don't need to be forgiven to be a better person.

All of that aside, if you still want to CTB, wrist cutting is a nonmethod. It has an extremely low success rate, will waste your time, possibly get you institutionalized and be overall just a bad experience. Sticky threads has a lot of information on effective methods so I'd check them out if I were you.

 

[kmjosh]

I feel you. I was exposed to racist shock humor online since I was 10 and got groomed by white supremacists at around age 13-14, to the point I'd expose innocent people in games online to it as 'humor' accompanied by said supremacists to get their validation. I was only able to shake them off of me at age 17 and the guilt eats me alive, thinking about how many innocent kids my age or less I could've hurt.

I don't know your life story, but I'd personally invite you to evaluate the context of your behavior. If you've been exposed to it from an early age and/or have a history of being abused, it is valuable context to understand your behavior. For me both things were true, and since I was so used to being verbally and physically abused, I thought anyone offended by my racist behavior/'humor' must've been weak. Your self perception can also play a big role. Someone convinced they're a certain way will inevitably act out such 'role', as it becomes part of their identity. I know it played a big role in my past behavior, too.

Obviously I don't mean to bring this up as an excuse to absolve yourself, but as a way to understand yourself and why you did what you did. To me it sounds like you were put through a lot and sadly responded in a destructive way, which is way different from just being a 'depraved person'. A healthy process of accountability, self-examination, and redemption could put you back on the right track and let you become someone you'd be proud of. What you might've done is gross, but you can do better and be better. If you can, apologize to people you've upset or hurt, unless it has been a long time. Don't expect forgiveness, but also understand that you don't need to be forgiven to be a better person.

All of that aside, if you still want to CTB, wrist cutting is a nonmethod. It has an extremely low success rate, will waste your time, possibly get you institutionalized and be overall just a bad experience. Sticky threads has a lot of information on effective methods so I'd check them out if I were you.

I think it was because I geniuely was given unrestricted internet access as a kid and watched loads of messed up shit even around 10-16. Stuff like hardcore porn, and the aforementioned beheadings. Doesn't help I'm currently part of an internet forum called WPD (honestly it's the only site I feel like I belong to, after knowing I'll never be normal). I want to leave the site. But I already experienced how it feels to be lonely and sick in the head. I know it's wrong. God I'm having the worse cognitive ex-dissonance in my life.
Honestly, I'm not one to self forgive. Once I am mess up with someone, I will forever torture myself with that thought even years later.
I'm honestly envious you managed to get free of this cycle and return to normalcy. But for me, yeah. I definitely messed up big time. I think death is really the option for me.

 

[sadbh—itstimetogo🤎]

1. Have you ever considered therapy?
2. How can you replace the sense of belonging you have at WPD?
3. If you're going to try to kill yourself vis cutting, pack a bag for the psych ward too

 

[kmjosh]

1.Unfortunately where I live the process of application, quality therapist and price is way more than the effort. Suicide is geniuely more affordable
2. I tried joining forums of my favorite video games. But I feel like since I've "proven" that gore is geniuely what interests and reels me back, I suppose being an avid, disturbed gorehound is who I am.
3.Why are people saying bleeding is stupid. Man, I feel even more useless and pathetic. See? Even in death I am stupid.