Venting I'm a failure and couldn't end it again

[EmbraceOfTheVoid]

I took aspirin, meto, and Xanax this morning and I still couldn't drink my SN. I laid on my bed for a while listening to my dog barking and felt so guilty. I tried convincing myself that it's for the best and I know it is but I still couldn't get past my survival instinct. I ended up shaking and just started screaming from it all.

I ended up telling my brother like a dumbass and thankfully I'm not going to the psych ward. He said he wants to help me but doesn't realize how horrible my life is and that suicide is a inevitability. I even mentioned our moms abuse and how I hate her but he told me I hate the things she does and not her, wtf.

I don't know what to do anymore. He expects me to get all this "help"

I wish I could feel at peace ending it but I don't know what to do anymore. I ruined another chance and who knows if I'll be kept under surveillance now. I'm such a moron.

Two Xanax couldn't calm me...So sick of myself.

 

[WornOutLife]

You are no failure at all. CTB is extremely difficult. Some people think drinking SN is easy. "come on, alcohol is worse to gulp" and the truth is SI is a bish!

Most people around you will suggest that you go to a psych ward. At least that's what they did when I failed to ctb last year. It sucked.

Just try to calm down. There will be another chances. The important thing now is to prevent your family from sending you to a psych ward, that's the worst-case-scenario.

 

[EmbraceOfTheVoid]

You are no failure at all. CTB is extremely difficult. Some people think drinking SN is easy. "come on, alcohol is worse to gulp" and the truth is SI is a bish!

Most people around you will suggest that you go to a psych ward. At least that's what they did when I failed to ctb last year. It sucked.

Just try to calm down. There will be other chances. The important thing now is to prevent your family from sending you to a psych ward, that's the worst-case-scenario.

Thanks, my brother promised not to tell my parents so I might be okay. I was so panicked this morning because I couldn't figure out my passwords to cancel my delayed emails which would've landed me in the ward. I already told him the ward would make me worse and more suicidal.

 

[Gonjoolie]

SI is an absolute bitch and pretty much all of us go through it in the moment. You are not a failure.

 

[GenesAndEnvironment]

Even if you'd get strapped down and injected with estrogen or whatever the fuck they usually do, you'll come out of it and keep posting. You and the Argentinian guy are the two most familiar people on here for me, you must survive.