Venting Im a complete failure

[Molotongo]

The way I feel is not even valid
Nothing really bad happened that I feel this way but it started when I was 13, I had no hobbies, no life no meaning and started to think how much better I would be if I just never existed
I started building hatred for all people in general and started venting online because I had no real life friends, I never had anyone the only people I talk to irl are my mom and my sister
Anyway then the police called my mom and I just claimed to be joking because my mom would be really really sad if she found out I really want to kill myself
My moms life was hard and if I did it I don't think she would ever be happy again
I had to go to the psychologist, school psychologist and a doctor then but nothing helped, on school days I felt Horrible, they always made fun of me ,told me I look ill, I look like a school shooter, that I'm scary and made fun of anything
I never did anything wrong I was quiet, polite
and kind and the world paid me back with silence and rejection
I really hate myself still, I never got any better it just keeps getting worse but for no reason at all
My mom was great to me and I had a pretty nice childhood, even tho I never had any friends
I started isolating myself at the age of 10 and since then I do nothing all day, I'm 19 now and nothing changed, just that it keeps getting worse
I feel wrong for feeling this way because there's people that have it much worse and I feel like this for no reason at all, some weeks I feel completely empty and normal and suddenly I just start crying and just want it to end
Even after okay days I fall in my bed and just want it all to end
I have no purpose and no meaning and no way to get it, I tried many hobbies and I really mean a lot I tried everything
I tried sports like football, basketball, climbing, sprinting, and way more
I tried urban exploration, urban climbing just anything I tried like 50+ hobbies in the past years but nothings fun I am not able to have any fun I Just want to die already


Please don't mind misspellings I'm a retard

 

[JustDreamer]

I understand the feeling. I too started to isolated myself around the same age at the time I did it because I wanted to die and felt it would be easier if I kept away from everyone. I never made friends, never had hobbies, never joined a club or played a sport. I was and still am lonely and cry most days.

I wouldn't say our feelings aren't valid. I don't think there's such a thing as an invalid feeling. It seems like you're lonely and feel rejected even after you seem to try so hard to enjoy those hobbies.

Personally, I enjoy playing video games or reading fanfic… I'd consider those hobbies and when I'm not too down I can enjoy them… sometimes it helps. Do you have anything small like that, that maybe you don't consider a hobbies compared to the other things you've been doing?

I'm sorry you're feeling this way. Sending love.

 

[Molotongo]

I understand the feeling. I too started to isolated myself around the same age at the time I did it because I wanted to die and felt it would be easier if I kept away from everyone. I never made friends, never had hobbies, never joined a club or played a sport. I was and still am lonely and cry most days.

I wouldn't say our feelings aren't valid. I don't think there's such a thing as an invalid feeling. It seems like you're lonely and feel rejected even after you seem to try so hard to enjoy those hobbies.

Personally, I enjoy playing video games or reading fanfic… I'd consider those hobbies and when I'm not too down I can enjoy them… sometimes it helps. Do you have anything small like that, that maybe you don't consider a hobbies compared to the other things you've been doing?

I'm sorry you're feeling this way. Sending love.

Much love Bhai, I hope you feel better soon
I genuinely do nothing I have no real hobby I enjoy, I have no money and no social life
I sometimes climb trees but only when I build up the energy to get out of bed

 

[JustDreamer]

Much love Bhai, I hope you feel better soon
I genuinely do nothing I have no real hobby I enjoy, I have no money and no social life
I sometimes climb trees but only when I build up the energy to get out of bed

I get it. Even I have days where it's hard to even enjoy the few things I do enjoy. But I'd argue that climbing trees is at least something, and seems cool. I've certainly never climbed one lol.