Venting I'm a burden, Considering CTB

[C:/]

My entire fucking life I've been known as the person not to trust, the asshole, failure, etc. I turned 18 last month but can't move out due to college being local and I don't have the funds to move out. My mom and I just had the dumbest fucking argument ever about an admin password on a computer, information that doesn't exist because THERE ISNT AN ADMIN ACCOUNT. I DELETED IT ALREADY AND MADE HER THE ADMIN ACCOUNT. I'm labeled as everything under the fucking sun. My little brothers told me they wish I was dead and that I'm a shit brother. I don't respect my mom because she's an alcoholic prick that lives in Lala land.

I don't have any friends to goto and I'm financially crippled so I'm out of options. They all say they love me and care for me but most times I'm just a fucking burden to them. I want to ctb and relieve them of the mental burden my mere existence brings on them, and now I'm the selfish one? I have accepted that I'm a fucking loser and others have confirmed my suspicions. There hasn't been a single fucking day in years that I have not felt self doubt or hatred towards myself.

My entire existence is to just exist for no inate reason in a constant state of melancholy. I can laugh and appear to be happy to those around me but at the end of the day here I am on a suicide forum venting away. I don't cry anymore, it stopped years ago and I'm used to it.

I'm a worthless pathetic human and i believe that when I ctb the world will be a extremely better place, especially for my family. I've already wasted 18 years of their life and resources, why waste more? I have not once in years gotten any form of acknowledgement for any achievement, it usually isn't enough. Then they say because of them I succeeded.

I have a rifle with rounds readily available and can just ctb whenever I want. I am not yet ready to ctb, and I will attempt to continue going.

 

[Holu]

It's reading stories like this which just make me feel hopeless for you. Honestly, I wish I could just give you a hug. It's the least you deserve.

I'm just a random stranger on the internet, a pfp with some words, so I know it doesn't mean much but you have my support.

I'm really sorry for what you have and are going through. If you ever need someone to vent to just pop me a dm. Otherwise the rest of the community is here for you.

Oh, and know that despite what your family says, you are very strong. You deadass made it to 18 with their toxic asses degrading and holding you down. Pushing all those years with such abuse it's nothing but phenomenal.

Keep your chin up soldier. We got ur back til the bitter end

 

[niki wonoto]

I can relate with being a failure & burden. I'm 40 yrs old here, so you can probably imagine how much a lot worse it is, of what I feel/think about me & my life.

Everyday I have passive suicidal ideation, always constantly thinking about suicide.

 

[BloomingStrella]

Your life is straight out of a horror movie. In a weird sort of way, you're crazy strong for living 18 years of this nightmarish life, even if it's purely just to spite your family. Whatever you decide on, I'll always support you. It's only fair to feel this way, after all. I also feel like a burden to others, but unfortunately am too much of a coward to attempt anything, on top of the fact that there is no availability for any kind of method, except something dumb like slitting my wrist, which'll never work. Your family should all jump off a cliff, to be honest. Hopefully you feel better sometime.

 

[FuneralCry]

It's just so horrible how humans can be so incredibly cruel and insensitive, making the existences of other people much more torturous. This world is undeniably such a hellish place but I can imagine that it must be a relief just having the option of a way to leave so you aren't so trapped here but anyway best wishes.