gonegal95
Member
- Aug 30, 2024
- 15
My quality of life is quickly deteriorating. It is a matter of a few months before I'm homeless and will have to be a hooker for cash. I narrowly avoided homelessness a few months ago by finding a place that doesn't check income and is super cheap, but I won't be able to pay for it my March. It just bought me some time.
I am educated and made six figures. But I came from a profoundly abusive upbringing and never got healthcare. Discovered in my first few years of my career that I was PMDD, OCD, now autistic. Now I can't work anymore. My lack of executive functioning is severely disabling. My sensory processing is profoundly slow. I struggle at any job, struggle with relationships, I am unemployable and lonely. I am not likeable or charismatic. But somehow also "book smart". Know a lot, just can't use it. Have no other skills or talents. Been too busy in survivor mode all my life. The only thing that kept me going was knowing I could have stability by my 30s. Now that is not going to happen. I didn't know when I was young that I was so defected. My last boyfriend abused me and left me on the street with no care in the world, like all partners do. They all get sick of me. Because I have nothing of value. I need a caretaker. I am not abusive. I am not borderline or bipolar. I am simply profoundly neurodivergent and without family support. This makes me objectively a leper / undesirable among society, unloveable and doomed to a life of loneliness, because nobody can be with me because I need care right off the bat. Unfortunately there is no support services for adult diagnosed autism in my country. I'm on my own.
Im ready to go. It's a matter of time before things get worse. I am on my last bit of savings and have spent the last few years doing everything I can to find work. Tried every minimum wage job. Tried to keep my career. Nothing sticks. I have too many sensory problems. And I picked the wrong career to pursue with my education. And can't compete in a competitive world. Had to resort to sex work. I'm profoundly depressed. And not a person who can bring value to any community, just problems, another mouth to feed. Im ready to go. I'm firm on my decision. There is no going up from here.
Ive been suicidal for my entire life. Attempted a few times. But this is the first time I have no negative emotions towards it. I feel like it is simply the logical choice and that it's actually the most caring, kind thing I can do for myself at this point. I don't want to be alive anymore. It is constant suffering and loneliness. I cant survive this any longer, my quality of life is extremely low and only getting worse. I will be homeless come March.
This is the reality of not having a family and being disabled in the USA. I live in an individualist society and objectively bring no value to anyone. What my future holds is a dark life of sex work because it's the only job I can get that pays a living wage with flexible work hours and no training. It's absurd. I would rather die.
Im either going thru the pain of hanging or hopefully I can get my hands on some SN. Wish me luck. The date is March 1st. The only reason why I delayed this since October is because I found a new job but it didn't work. And honestly I'm just tired. It's always like this. I find a little bit of relief but Im too retarded to stick with it, I get fired, and I am too retarded to be deserving of love, because I objectively need a caretaker not a lover, and nobody is going to do that for me. Nobody is going to be the family I never had. Im tired of being abused, being abusive, being poor, and failing at everything. In your 20s there's hope but entering my 30s this year, it's just pathetic. At this point to only have sex work or a man saving me as my options are just … profoundly upsetting and disturbing. I can do house chores and cook well, also am attractive, but I've done the relying on a man thing already, it never works. They always leave me because ultimately I'm unskilled and too disabled. And everytime they leave, they leave me with nothing. I don't want to do this anymore. I am tired of falling for people I can't have because I'm disabled, and treating love like a business deal that my life depends on.
I will not allow myself to turn 30 under any circumstances. The kindest thing I can do for myself, and for everyone (not that there is anyone in my life who cares) do is die. I don't see a future for myself - there is no place in society for someone like me. Simple as that.
I am educated and made six figures. But I came from a profoundly abusive upbringing and never got healthcare. Discovered in my first few years of my career that I was PMDD, OCD, now autistic. Now I can't work anymore. My lack of executive functioning is severely disabling. My sensory processing is profoundly slow. I struggle at any job, struggle with relationships, I am unemployable and lonely. I am not likeable or charismatic. But somehow also "book smart". Know a lot, just can't use it. Have no other skills or talents. Been too busy in survivor mode all my life. The only thing that kept me going was knowing I could have stability by my 30s. Now that is not going to happen. I didn't know when I was young that I was so defected. My last boyfriend abused me and left me on the street with no care in the world, like all partners do. They all get sick of me. Because I have nothing of value. I need a caretaker. I am not abusive. I am not borderline or bipolar. I am simply profoundly neurodivergent and without family support. This makes me objectively a leper / undesirable among society, unloveable and doomed to a life of loneliness, because nobody can be with me because I need care right off the bat. Unfortunately there is no support services for adult diagnosed autism in my country. I'm on my own.
Im ready to go. It's a matter of time before things get worse. I am on my last bit of savings and have spent the last few years doing everything I can to find work. Tried every minimum wage job. Tried to keep my career. Nothing sticks. I have too many sensory problems. And I picked the wrong career to pursue with my education. And can't compete in a competitive world. Had to resort to sex work. I'm profoundly depressed. And not a person who can bring value to any community, just problems, another mouth to feed. Im ready to go. I'm firm on my decision. There is no going up from here.
Ive been suicidal for my entire life. Attempted a few times. But this is the first time I have no negative emotions towards it. I feel like it is simply the logical choice and that it's actually the most caring, kind thing I can do for myself at this point. I don't want to be alive anymore. It is constant suffering and loneliness. I cant survive this any longer, my quality of life is extremely low and only getting worse. I will be homeless come March.
This is the reality of not having a family and being disabled in the USA. I live in an individualist society and objectively bring no value to anyone. What my future holds is a dark life of sex work because it's the only job I can get that pays a living wage with flexible work hours and no training. It's absurd. I would rather die.
Im either going thru the pain of hanging or hopefully I can get my hands on some SN. Wish me luck. The date is March 1st. The only reason why I delayed this since October is because I found a new job but it didn't work. And honestly I'm just tired. It's always like this. I find a little bit of relief but Im too retarded to stick with it, I get fired, and I am too retarded to be deserving of love, because I objectively need a caretaker not a lover, and nobody is going to do that for me. Nobody is going to be the family I never had. Im tired of being abused, being abusive, being poor, and failing at everything. In your 20s there's hope but entering my 30s this year, it's just pathetic. At this point to only have sex work or a man saving me as my options are just … profoundly upsetting and disturbing. I can do house chores and cook well, also am attractive, but I've done the relying on a man thing already, it never works. They always leave me because ultimately I'm unskilled and too disabled. And everytime they leave, they leave me with nothing. I don't want to do this anymore. I am tired of falling for people I can't have because I'm disabled, and treating love like a business deal that my life depends on.
I will not allow myself to turn 30 under any circumstances. The kindest thing I can do for myself, and for everyone (not that there is anyone in my life who cares) do is die. I don't see a future for myself - there is no place in society for someone like me. Simple as that.
Last edited:
