illicit diaries - entry two - this in-between moment

[exiled]

hi, i'm illicit.
this is just another entry; i'm following up on my first one.
i've been staying with this family for two weeks now and my dog and i feel like we are actually in a safe, loving home for the first time.
my dog and their dog are both golden retrievers and it's the sweetest, most beautiful thing to watch them get along and be happy together.
this family has shown me what it feels like to be in a healthy home - a home where husband loves wife, wife loves husband, kids are respectful but a little sassy, pursuing their dreams and getting into college, a dog that's a little bit naughty but so well loved. a dinner table where dad asks mom politely to pass the salt, and not name calling when dinner doesn't taste up to standards. it's a foreign world. most importantly, no one hits each other. no one threatens to kill each other. no one rapes each other. i didn't know that that's a family.

this morning, we all woke up at the crack of dawn to walk the dogs and head to church. the dad was awfully quiet and for a moment i wondered if i had been taking up too much space or if he wanted me gone. it made me feel really awful and out of place because he was just painfully silent and i already feel like i'm intruding. though, they had spent the last two weeks promising me they love having me and that i'm hardly even noticeable because i'm so respectful + out of the way.

the car ride to church was miserable. thirty minutes of awkward silence and angry sighs. i was reminded of the times my own mom and dad had just gotten done fighting, and the silence that would follow after my dad beat up my mom. but, the mom of my brand new family did not get beat up by her husband. but apparently, they are fighting.

my new "mom" and i took the dogs out for a walk after church and she admitted to me that they're fighting. that they are struggling in their marriage. that marriage is damn hard and they don't think they are moving in the same direction anymore. they have two (nearly) adult daughters and the husband fought through and survived stage four cancer recently. i thought this family was tight as can be but i'm learning there IS no such thing as perfect.

my heart breaks. it really feels awkward right now because they are helping me but they won't talk to each other and i feel even more out of place. i'm too scared to even try and get my own place again, i don't know how to do anything.

i'm so uncomfortable and it's so awkward. i selfishly wish they'd stop fighting; i'm triggered and i want to die.

 

[RemainingDubious]

it's a foreign world. most importantly, no one hits each other. no one threatens to kill each other. no one rapes each other. i didn't know that that's a family.

i'm sorry to hear that that's been a foreign world to you and you had abuse in your family

i thought this family was tight as can be but i'm learning there IS no such thing as perfect.

i struggle to imagine a perfect family exists. We don't often get to see and/or hear what goes on behind closed doors.



"You know how they say you only hurt the ones you love? Well, it works both ways" - Chuck Palahniuk

i'm so uncomfortable and it's so awkward. i selfishly wish they'd stop fighting; i'm triggered and i want to die.

Unfortunately you have no power over their issue. Would it be possible to talk to one of them alone next time you walk the dogs and ask if they would like you to leave? Getting clarification if you're still welcome may give you some comfort. i assume you will be and that they wouldn't want you to leave.

Is it a possibility you may be projecting? Before you knew this family they may of had fights like this before that they've overcome.

 

[wastingpotential]

read your first entry. you're so incredibly strong, i commend you for all you've been through and are still making it through the days.

as for the family issues at hand, as much as it sucks to say, we can't control what happens between them next (husband & wife) but they seem like good people given that they've welcomed you with open arms and such.

wishing you the best going forward, from one swiftie to another

 

[casual_existence]

Families are never perfect unfortunately but hopefully this family can give you a better life than the last one. If you can get into some kind of therapy with their help while it doesn't work for everyone it wouldn't hurt to try.

 

[Aim]

I know this might seem very hard, buti think my best advice would be try to not focus so much on them, and their problems. But nstead the relationship that you have with both of them. Even if that I'm sure is hard when it gets tense. But It seems like they are all in all good and healthy people, that would hopefully and probably no matter what outcome try and fix this (whatever reason ) in a mature healthy way.
I cross my fingers for you, and hope it works out in the best possible way.

 

[LifeIsCrazyNemb]

hi, i'm illicit.
this is just another entry; i'm following up on my first one.
i've been staying with this family for two weeks now and my dog and i feel like we are actually in a safe, loving home for the first time.
my dog and their dog are both golden retrievers and it's the sweetest, most beautiful thing to watch them get along and be happy together.
this family has shown me what it feels like to be in a healthy home - a home where husband loves wife, wife loves husband, kids are respectful but a little sassy, pursuing their dreams and getting into college, a dog that's a little bit naughty but so well loved. a dinner table where dad asks mom politely to pass the salt, and not name calling when dinner doesn't taste up to standards. it's a foreign world. most importantly, no one hits each other. no one threatens to kill each other. no one rapes each other. i didn't know that that's a family.

this morning, we all woke up at the crack of dawn to walk the dogs and head to church. the dad was awfully quiet and for a moment i wondered if i had been taking up too much space or if he wanted me gone. it made me feel really awful and out of place because he was just painfully silent and i already feel like i'm intruding. though, they had spent the last two weeks promising me they love having me and that i'm hardly even noticeable because i'm so respectful + out of the way.

the car ride to church was miserable. thirty minutes of awkward silence and angry sighs. i was reminded of the times my own mom and dad had just gotten done fighting, and the silence that would follow after my dad beat up my mom. but, the mom of my brand new family did not get beat up by her husband. but apparently, they are fighting.

my new "mom" and i took the dogs out for a walk after church and she admitted to me that they're fighting. that they are struggling in their marriage. that marriage is damn hard and they don't think they are moving in the same direction anymore. they have two (nearly) adult daughters and the husband fought through and survived stage four cancer recently. i thought this family was tight as can be but i'm learning there IS no such thing as perfect.

my heart breaks. it really feels awkward right now because they are helping me but they won't talk to each other and i feel even more out of place. i'm too scared to even try and get my own place again, i don't know how to do anything.

i'm so uncomfortable and it's so awkward. i selfishly wish they'd stop fighting; i'm triggered and i want to die.

Hello, nice to hear an update from you.
What an incredible journey!

I think you are realising the real truth: there is no such thing as a perfect family or life, and thats ok. The important thing here is that you finally have a safe and healthy enviromnent to restart your new life.

For now, i'd recommend you to start planning more deeply about your nexts steps, taking advantage of the nice enviroment and support you have. Also its important to try to involve your new family in this planning, and let them know that you want to move forward and that their help is very important for you. They will be surelly be happy knowing that you are planning and would like to move forward in life.

This plan could be elaborated slowly and carefully but its important that you put some clear goals in topics such as :
- education. I dont know whats your background but education/ school is a key point and a way to be properly insert in society. Is it acessible/easy to look for a school?
- acess to good good professional therapist : given your traumatc experience in ur original family, its extremely important to find a therapy. Arent there any health government plan that you have acess to?
- jobs: maybe a entry level part-time job (anything) can help you in this process of ressocialization. Also its health to be not 100% of the time inside the house, so your new family also has some hours where they can have little privacy.


Good luck and keep updating us.